Blurry Days
by BrownBunny1976
Summary: Dir en grey Kyo/Kaoru
1. Chapter 1

It's been a year, four months and eighteen days.

Not knowing a single thing about him. Not knowing whether he was alive or dead. Now knowing where exactly he was. Not knowing if he was suffering or if he was quite alright. Was he hungry, cold, scared, alone and hurt? Or was his body lying somewhere by the road, rotting away for months, with the white bones shining in the sun?

Fuck, I don't know how long I will be able to take it. Every day starts with checking all the news in the internet, hoping to find some news. Any news. I know I should give up all hope by now, but I just can't. I desperately want him alive. I can't bare the mare thought of him being dead. Please, no… not him and not now…

Coffee smells good and I take a little sip of it, even though my mood is already fucked up this early in the morning. I hadn't slept well this night. I dreamed of him. Again.

He was lying on the stage floor, near the mic stand, starring at the lights above him, his blond hair sticking out to all directions, shining in the artificial lighting. I was just a few steps away from him, but I couldn't move. I knew if I would take a step, he would disappear, so I stood still, so that I could just watch him. And he lay there, on the ground, starring at the lights above him. His skin would slowly start to rot, maggots would appear all around him, eating his flesh. And when the red meat would finally show up, when the white worms would be deep enough, he would slowly turn his head to where I was and would mouth the words to me, but I couldn't hear him. I never hear the words. His eyes plead me to stop the pain and I can't take it any more – I start walking towards him. And as soon as I move, he starts screaming from pain, clawing with his hands at his chest, his stomach, his legs, trying to get rid of the maggots, and even though I start running towards him, I never reach him. And then I usually wake up all drenched in sweat and trembling.

I had this nightmare again tonight and I just didn't want to go back to sleep, even if I felt tired. It was almost six in the morning. No use of going through the same nightmare twice in the same night.

Shit, I need to buy some tranquilizers again. Something to help me have a dreamless night. Just drift into blackness and then wake up. I miss this luxury.

It's only 7:38 now. People are already heading off to their jobs. I have already checked the internet for news, flipped the pages of the most important newspapers I get at my mailbox. No news of Kyo.

It's been a very long time already that the newspapers stopped writing about him. At first they grabbed the story as something to fill in their first pages. They wrote everything there was on what had happened, made hundreds of their theories as to what might have happened to him. They even investigated into Kyo's life. Dug up the information from his school and older bands, interviewed people whom Kyo knew in school and after that. They even somehow convinced Kisaki to talk to them of what had broke up the La Sadies. They harassed his ex-girlfriend who broke up with him and left him heartbroken when he was in the band Masquerade. They bothered Kyo's parents and his sister with questions about Kyo's childhood and many other things only his relatives could now.

They even dug out a guy who claimed that he was dating Kyo in Macabre times, around the year 2000. Some pictures appeared on the internet and later in newspapers of the guy and Kyo, in his Taiyo no Ao outfit, the background looking exactly like the one where we were filming our PV. Kyo was smiling shyly at the camera that the guy held in his one hand, his other hand around Kyo's shoulders. Kyo looked shy, but genuinely happy.

I tried my hardest to remember the guy, but failed. Only Toshiya said he vaguely remembered him. He was the guy that Kyo took along with himself on the day we were filming video for Taiyo No Ao. But I couldn't remember seeing the guy. During that entire day I was stressed over the work and every free minute I had I was busy with something and Kyo would always disappear right after the break would be announced.

I don't know how I managed to be so blind. I had feelings for Kyo already back then. But we were always surrounded by many people during the shows or the shootings of some new video, so I guess I didn't even thought twice after seeing Kyo talk to some guy during a break.

For me, these news were not so unexpected, because I sometimes doubted Kyo's preferences in lovers' gender. But it was a huge thing for the press and public. We had a hard time ignoring all the questions directed at us about Kyo's love life. We declined to answer anything at all.

I'm happy that the guy at least was decent enough and didn't really want to harm Kyo in any way by revealing their relationship. At least these photos of him hugging Kyo might have really meant nothing at all. But he said they dated, but Kyo left him as Dir en grey was getting more and more popular and he got scared of being discovered. Of being seen with his lover – a guy.

Not everyone believed his story and I was glad of it, because it was soon forgotten and left in peace. But Kyo's parents believed it to be true. And they were very disappointed. I hated them that day so much. They visited the four of us and demanded to tell them the truth. I asked if that really mattered at all. Wasn't it more important to find Kyo?

But they were persistent and I told them I had thought that perhaps Kyo might have been bi. Shinya nodded agreeing with me. Die and Toshiya said they didn't really have any knowledge of any of Kyo's lovers, female or male.

I saw the disappointment in Kyo's mother's face and pure anger in his father's eyes. After reading so much articles about Kyo's life and from what Kyo told me himself, I knew Kyo was not an easy child to raise. Not the most easy teenage to educate. A violent and rebellious young man much later. And now – at least bi, if not gay, singer of a rock band, which often entertained their fans with kissing his band mates.

After five more months Kyo's parents didn't object when the police stopped looking for Kyo intensely and just left him in the MISSING list. No more search organized for him, no more public attention. The articles stopped showing up, the police stopped looking for him, his parents already buried him in their hearts, wanting to forget the shame of ever having a son who never lived up to their expectations and who had a male lover.

We disbanded, of course. What else was there for us to do? After Kyo's disappearance, just two months have passed and the Code of Vulgar[ism] DVD was released. None of the four of us had to do anything with it. Management said it was to honor Kyo and not to waste the material we already had prepared for release. But if you asked me, I would say the fucktards just wanted to earn some more money of the band that would soon cease to exist. As Kyo was missing, the band got so much attention as never before, so the DVD was sold very well. It was the most popular DVD in Japan that year.

I refused to take any money from that. It sickened me. Kyo was missing, he might even be dead, but they were still making money out of him, out of his tragedy. At least Shinya, Toshiya and Die were of the same opinion as me. They did everything they could to find him. We all did. But it was all in vain.

I can't even understand how on earth it all happened. It's as if we lost him. We lost him somewhere along the way from Hiroshima to Tokyo. Sometime during our ride back home to Tokyo, during one of the times the bus stopped for a break, Kyo had gone missing. And none of us or the stuff noticed until we had to leave the bus in the morning.

Kyo's things were on his seat, with the little blanket he always used during the rides on the bus to cover himself and his smallish green pillow he would always bring. His bag, his wallet, his passport, his money and credit cards, his mobile phone and his jacket. Everything was there, except for Kyo himself.

No one knew where Kyo was. No one had even the slightest idea.

Later, after police questioned everyone who was on the bus that night, it turned out that after we boarded the bus together until the morning, nobody saw Kyo except me. I remember during the night when we stopped for a short break, I was getting out for a smoke and passed by Kyo's place, he was still there. Sleeping what seemed to be an uncomfortable position on the two seats. But even though as hard as I tried, I couldn't remember if he was there when I got back. I was dead tired, and had four beers after the concert. And I just didn't notice anything.

Putting together the schedule and other testimonies, it must have been around 3 o'clock at night when Kyo was last seen, by me. Others were sleeping in the front of the bus, so they hadn't seen Kyo after they boarded the bus at all. No one saw Kyo get off the bus at any point during the whole ride. And I still can't understand how it can be true. Was he kidnapped from the bus while he was asleep? Did he go out of the bus when it stopped and something happened to him? Did we leave him by an accident with no money and no way to contact anyone? Was he maybe attacked while he went to the gas station to buy something when the bus stopped?

There were just too many options and possibilities, but no clues.

I remember…

I wish I could forget, but I can't. His reaction… It was pure shock at first. He stared at me, his eyes wide, hoping that I was joking perhaps. But saw that I wasn't and just tried to come up with words. But he never did. Someone suddenly entered the dressing room and told us to hurry up and go, the bus had to leave. And I was so tired, and a little dizzy and just wanted to give up. It was stupid for me to give into my emotions and tell Kyo I liked him. Liked him too much to calmly see him change his clothes in front of me. But I was so tortured inside, the feelings were ripping me apart inside and it was getting harder and harder every day to pretend to be indifferent to him. I really liked him. Liked him too much for my own good. Perhaps love would have been a too strong word, but it might have been close enough to what I truly felt.

Kyo was a gentle, kind person. He was so caring, so emotional that you could read him like an open book. Whatever he felt, you saw on his face. He wasn't stunningly handsome. No, of course not. He was short and skinny, had crooked teeth. But it's nothing. I never cared. He still was so damn sexy and attractive to me. His body, his eyes, his lips and his slim bony fingers, and his voice. His God-like voice…

I remember he looked at the interruption and nodded, then slowly took his bag and looked at me uncertainly. There were so many emotions in his eyes that I couldn't have placed them all and I still can't. It was hard to tell what he was thinking. He looked so shocked and confused.

"We have to go, Kaoru. The bus… We…"

But he was so shaken he didn't manage to utter more decent sentences and just lowered his head down and hurried out of the room. I never got to know what he thought of my hurried and out of the blue confession. Perhaps if I would have chosen a better place and time for that, things might have turned out better, Kyo might have said something to me, might have said what he thought about me liking him. But we had to leave for the bus, we all were dead tired after days and days of lives, we were a bit intoxicated from the rush of excitement of the successful tour and from the alcohol consumed at after-party. And I was just too blunt with him.

But I'm happy I told him. If at that moment I had known that it was the last time we spoke… I would have kissed him. I would have done and said so much more to him... But if you'd know everything that was bound to happen, you perhaps wouldn't have any regrets in life. It would all be too easy then.

I just wish… I wish I told him I loved him. I know now that I do. I love him so badly… And it breaks my heart every single day. I wish he knew the whole truth. I wish I knew the whole truth back then myself.

Shit… Kyo… I can't take it any more. That our last conversation… Your tired, but happy face… Your sweaty body, rough voice and spiky black hair…

I miss you. I miss you so much. And I hate myself every time I start talking about you as if you were already dead. As if telling you that you were a good person, makes you even more missing, than telling that you are a good person.

Kyo, you parents might have given up on you, your sister might have made peace with your absence, your fans might have found you tragic life and 'death' fascinating, the media might have earned a lot from your disappearance, but I am still waiting for you. I am still not giving up on you. You must be somewhere out there. You must be.

Because I don't know how I would have to deal with the real truth. You and death cannot ever be put into one sentence.

Please, Kyo… please… come back…

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

Shinya looked at his former band mates and smiled a bit. They didn't really change much. Toshiya kept the same haircut that he had for the Code of Vulgar[ism] tour – short, straight and black. Kaoru also kept the same black color and the same haircut – simple, straight, a bit longish hair. Only Die got rid of all the red shades and kept his hair natural black. Shinya's hair was still long, with the same red strands from back then. He was the only one to proceed with the so called stage-look. He liked it, but felt perhaps it was time to let go and welcome new changes. Perhaps just to cut his hair short and not color it anymore.

They barely looked like four men in music business. Of course, they disguised themselves, because sometimes the media still bothered them. But they also dropped all the visual-kei style – no more fancy clothes even on their free time. They were just four ordinary-looking, stylish guys, with sunglasses and caps on, sitting outside the café with beer bottles, smoking and enjoying the late hours of the evening.

But the atmosphere was tense. Shinya shifted uncomfortably in his seat and shrank back a bit. He never got used to the silence between then, he never got used not to hear jokes from Die any more, or Toshiya's laughter. Whenever they met, it always gave him the feeling that they have just left the funeral. There was nothing to talk about, nothing to say.

Kaoru looked worse than when he last saw him almost two months ago. He was pale, looked dead tired and tortured. Kyo's disappearance was draining him out. And it worried Shinya a lot, because Kaoru wouldn't listen to anyone, wouldn't make peace with what have happened. He still believed that Kyo was alive.

Shinya never liked to think about it, but he had accepted it many months ago. The only explanation that he found believable was that Kyo was really dead. Something happened and now his body was lying in a place where nobody ever crossed by. Kyo's photos were all over the newspapers and magazines and TV for months and months. Surely people would have noticed him walking around with his spiky hair, his tattoos on his hands. But nobody ever saw him or anyone that at least looked like him. So there was no way that Kyo would be alive for more than a year without any money. He would be naive and stupid to believe that Kyo was still alive, as much as it hurt him to think this way.

He knew Die and Toshiya also didn't believe that Kyo could still be alive. They wanted him to be, but the facts just were against them. They both had also made peace with that a long time ago.

Only Kaoru refused to accept the truth. He tortured himself with thoughts of where Kyo was now, what happened to him and how to find him. How to bring him back.

Shinya lifted the glass to his lips and tasted his beer.

He could understand and justify Kaoru's recent behavior though. Toshiya overheard Kaoru's confession to Kyo that night when he came looking for them to tell them that the bus will soon leave. And when Kyo disappeared and Kaoru fell into depression and apathy, Toshiya turned to Shinya and Die for help, telling them what he knew.

Kaoru was in love with Kyo. And he was suffering the most when Kyo disappeared.

But it has been dragging for too long. It's been over a year now and Kaoru still held on his feelings for Kyo. And it was ruining his life. He was ruining his life by not accepting that Kyo was gone, that Kyo was dead and he had to move on.

"I'm dating someone" Shinya said suddenly, without really thinking first.

Toshiya raised his eyebrows and Die's hand stopped midway to his mouth, with the cigarette lightly grasped between his two fingers. Only Kaoru showed no surprise or interest in this peace of news.

"I'm only saying this because I think of proposing her and I just want you not to be surprised when you'll get invitations to the wedding."

They were still silent and Shinya shrugged his shoulders in response to the still surprised looks on his friends' faces. At least the atmosphere changed a bit now. He felt more relaxed and easy.

"Aren't you a bit rash, Shinya?" Toshiya asked, looking concerned.

"No, I don't think so" Shinya shrugged. "We've been dating for almost two years now and I really want to move on with our relationship. Her parents are very old-fashioned, so she won't move in with me unless we marry. And when I sat down and really thought about it, I made a conclusion that I want to be with her. She is the ideal girl for me."

"Well, then I'm glad for you" Die said and Toshiya nodded. Kaoru just lit himself a cigarette and still remained silent.

"Are you planning on having children?" Toshiya asked.

"No! At least not now!" Shinya almost shuddered. "I don't feel mature enough for children yet. And she, luckily, isn't obsessed with them either."

Die snickered.

"I can't really imagine you with children, Shinya. You're still like a goofy nerdy kid to me!"

Shinya glared at Die, but as even Kaoru smiled at hearing this comment, he let it go. The atmosphere finally was almost normal between them.

"So how it feels to be working with Yoshiki-san, Shinya?" Toshiya asked and Shinya beamed immediately.

"It's great! I do my best and he always compliments me. I learned how to work with him and it's getting easier and easier. Though Yoshiki-san is a very demanding person and always wants things to be done perfectly. It's hard for me to handle the stress sometimes. But otherwise it's all good."

Shinya was helping Yoshiki to produce a new band and it took a lot of time and efforts from Shinya, but he was very happy. He couldn't have dreamed of a better job after they disbanded.

"How about you two?" Shinya asked Die and Toshiya. "When we will be able to buy the first single of your new band?"

"Ah, it's still several months away" Toshiya sighted and smiled. "The band doesn't even have a name yet. We're moving forward very slowly, but things are progressing and that's most important."

"We still don't forgive you for not taking the place of the drummer, Shinya!" Die laughed.

"But you've already found the drummer, haven't you?"

Die nodded.

"Yeah… He's fine."

"Die doesn't like him" Toshiya laughed.

"Why not?"

"Because it's not you!"

Shinya glared at Die disapprovingly.

"And also he can't tease him, because the drummer is even crazier than Die!" Toshiya laughed and got a nudge from Die in the shoulder.

"Nah… he's cool. But it's just not you, Shin-chan" Die smiled and Shinya tried to answer the smile but failed. He felt a sudden wave of sadness wash over him.

The best times ever were when they were in Dir en grey. And these times were over for good. Shinya didn't want to be in any other band, so as he by a lucky chance met with Yoshiki and was offered to help him produce one of the two bands he had, he happily agreed without even thinking about it. It was the best choice for him. The best option.

Die and Toshiya for some reason decided to take a chance and risk at creating a new band. They had a new drummer and a new singer and started anew. Their debut still was bound to come and Shinya really hoped they would succeed. But just thinking about the four of them taking different paths was sad.

"What about you, Kaoru?" Toshiya suddenly asked. "Have you already found a job?"

Kaoru just shook his head and Toshiya frowned.

"But you have at least some plans, haven't you?"

"Not really…"

"Kaoru, it's not healthy to sit at home and just do nothing" Shinya tried reasoning with him, his voice gentle. "You have to move on."

"I have enough money to live on for several years by doing nothing. I don't see why I should look for a job if I don't want to."

Shinya bit his lower lip trying to make himself stop from commenting. He tried talking to Kaoru already many times, but Kaoru didn't even want to hear anything at all. It was pointless to talk to him at this point. Shinya silently decided that he'd ask Yoshiki for help. Maybe he knows a place where Kaoru could work. Maybe he could do something, anything that would keep Kaoru's mind off the current situation and gradually he would be back on track. Kaoru was one of those workaholics, so given the opportunity he would soon be emerged in his work in spite of his unwillingness to do anything at all.

But for now Shinya decided to keep silent. There was no point in trying to talk some sense in Kaoru. Not yet.

Die and Toshiya frowned, but also kept silent. They were in no position to tell Kaoru what to do with his life even if they wanted. It was too obvious for them that Kaoru still grieved for Kyo. Still missed him badly. Still had hopes for things coming back as they used to be.

"I'm thinking of hiring a private detective" Kaoru said in a low voice, almost as if he was talking to himself.

"Kaoru, that's… that's not really the best idea…" Shinya started, but Kaoru cut him off.

"What the fuck do you know? I thought all of you were better friends than this! But it's so easy for you to just forget he ever existed and move on with your lives!"

Toshiya stood up so suddenly, that the chair fell down. He looked furious and didn't care that people around them were eyeing their group with curiosity. His hands turned into fists, shaking with anger.

"What do you know what we feel, Kaoru?" Toshiya uttered through gritted teeth, so that only those around him could hear. "He was our friend! We loved him! If we move on with our lives it doesn't mean that we don't give a damn about him any more! We DO! We miss him badly! I miss him badly! If I don't wallow in depression and try to enjoy my life, it doesn't mean I forgot him! Because I didn't! I DIDN'T!"

He threw a nasty glare at Kaoru, then grabbed his bag and turned to leave. Die hurriedly fished some money from his bag for his and Toshiya's drinks and stood up as well.

"See you later, guys" he said and hurried after Toshiya, who was still visible among the people in the street.

Kaoru supported his head with his hand and looked down at the table. Shinya sighted and tried to compose himself. They didn't know how to talk with each other any more. They fell apart easily.

"I'm sorry" Shinya heard Kaoru say. "I know you care about him… I just…"

"It's ok, Kaoru" Shinya sighted. "You don't need to explain yourself. We're all stressed out… But Kaoru, we all love Kyo, and we all care about him. You're not alone in this."

Kaoru nodded slowly and finished his almost burnt-out cigarette. They finished their drinks in silence and parted. What more was there to talk about? Kaoru wouldn't listen. Shinya didn't have a lot of patience to try and convince him of finally moving on.

So they parted with barely saying a goodbye to each other.

It's been a year, five months and thirty-six days.

I should really force myself to clean the apartment again. It's so messed up. Dirt all over the floor, fast food boxes and wrappings scattered everywhere, stacks of old newspapers and magazines scattered in every room on the floor, unwashed dishes, and smelly dirty clothes.

But I cannot care less. What's the point?

It's his birthday in eleven days. He'll turn twenty-nine. Twenty-nine years old.

I'll be thirty-one just one day after his birthday.

I don't understand when I got so old. It feels like the days of fooling around on the stage and just hanging out with him were hundreds of years ago. Sometimes I get scared I would forget how it felt to be around him, to talk to him and just watch him.

I almost know by hard all our DVDs and other stuff that was ever filmed. I know I'm torturing myself by watching him, but not seeing him at least in this way is even harder. I can't go through the day without looking through his pictures, watching him laugh in some interview or listening to his voice singing his sad lyrics.

I miss him badly.

And I refuse to believe that he's dead. He can't be.

Please, God… Let him come back home… let him live a bit more…

It's been a year, five months and forty-seven days.

The day of his birthday is like a blurry dream to me. I drank so much starting early in the morning that I couldn't remember at what point did I finally stop and just fell on the sofa to sleep.

I woke up hearing the most irritable noise on earth. My mobile phone was ringing again. It was past midnight already. The day of my fucking birthday.

The phone stopped ringing and I sat up, trying to remember what the hell was I doing.

Oh yeah, drinking.

I stand up somehow and head to the kitchen. I still have a lot of booze in the fridge. Lately it's all I can find there, but I'm not complaining.

I take a bottle of wine and open it, then head back to the living room. On my way I trip over a stack of magazines on the floor and almost break my neck by falling hard on the floor. But the bottle doesn't break. Thankfully.

I finally find myself sitting on the sofa and drink directly from the bottle.

Where the fuck are my cigarettes?

After what seems like an eternity I finally find them under the table together with the lighter. When I inhale my first portion of heavenly smoke, my mobile rings again.

I don't even know where it is. It sounds like it's here, in the living-room with me, but I can't see it.

And it's not like I want to talk to anybody right now. I don't give a shit if somebody wants to wish me a fucking happy birthday.

It's not happy. It won't ever be.

Soon my vision gets so unfocused I can't even see the edge of the table. I just hear how the bottle hits the floor and my booze fills on the floor. I think I can hear the phone ringing again. I don't know. All I can see is Kyo in one of his crazy haircuts, ready for the show. He's smiling to the camera and I can't help but grasp the picture tightly in my hand.

But somehow Kyo's face gets distorted and starts to change. He starts to look more and more like Shinya. Like a very confused, agitated Shinya on Prozac or something.

"Wake up! Wake up, damn it! Kaoru!"

"Nhh…" I manage to utter and try to make my eyes open. The light is too bright. Is it morning already?

I feel somebody lifting me, making me sit, then stand. I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to stay here… right here…

I finally manage to open my eyes and almost puke as I see the floor spinning around me like mad. Somebody lets go of me and I fall down in an uncomfortable position. Then the ice-cold water hits me. I think I screamed something, or perhaps cursed like mad and tried to get away, but strong hands held me in place and made me endure this torture.

"Enough…" I sputter through the water in my mouth. "I'm f-freezing alr-r-ready!"

The water ceases to run and I open my eyes slowly. Shinya's face appears in front of me and I try to focus on him. What the hell is he doing here? How did he get in? Did I forget to lock the door again yesterday?

"Kaoru, do you hear me?"

I nod. It still takes too much effort to talk.

"Kaoru, it's Kyo. It's Kyo…"

I look at him puzzled. Shinya's eyes are almost mad with emotions. There are so many of them in his eyes that I don't understand how to read them. I just stare at him, waiting for him to continue.

"They found him! Kyo's alive! They found him!"

I must be still asleep. I thought I heard Shinya say that Kyo's alive and that he's finally back. But Shinya keeps looking at me with so many emotions in his eyes that I start to believe I'm not asleep really.

"Shinya, are… are you serious? Really?" I hear myself ask, my voice alien even to my own ears. Shinya just nods, tears threatening to escape his eyes any second now.

"They found him yesterday morning, wondering around in the streets of a small town not far from Kobe. He's in the hospital now. Please, put yourself together, sober up and let's go."

I try to stand up, but my legs give in and I fall down again. For a moment I just sit there, all drenched in ice-cold water, already freezing. But the only thing that I can feel now is disbelieve and immense fear.

Is it really the truth? Can it be really happening?

I hear Shinya let out a sob right next to me and turn to look at him. His face is in his hands, he's obviously crying. I touch his shoulder with my trembling fingers and Shinya turns to look at me.

I can't even make a sound, but Shinya understands. He understands it all.

He hugs me tightly and cries. Partly from stress, partly from shock and partly from joy. I just sit there, holding him, still afraid that it all might be a dream.

**TBC**

My English starts to suck -_- Not only I don't see all spelling mistakes, but my sentences are getting clumsier and stranger with every day -_- I hate this :((((((((((((((((((((


	3. Chapter 3

Kaoru nervously swings his leg back and forth. Sitting around and waiting makes him almost go crazy. He and Shinya had been at the hospital for almost two hours now, but nobody lets them see Kyo or even tells them about his condition and Kaoru barely manages to make himself sit and wait.

Die and Toshiya had also arrived during the time they were waiting. They barely exchanged any words. Just confused and hopeful glances. And then waiting around in the lounge.

They were told to wait, because Kyo's parents had to give permission to see him or to at least let the doctor tell about Kyo's condition. But the obscurity of the situation was playing with their nerves so much that when the third hour was almost at its end, Kaoru was already pacing back and forth in the room unable to sit any longer.

They knew nothing at all. Nothing.

Shinya got a call from their former management late in the evening yesterday. They just told him that Kyo was found and is already in the hospital. They didn't know themselves anything more. They just asked to inform the other former Dir en grey band members and keep it quiet. Kyo's parents strictly forbade to let the information slip to the press too early.

Shinya immediately called Kaoru. He called him over thirty times that night, confused and angry that Kaoru didn't pick up. He didn't sleep at all the entire night. Early in the morning, with the first rays of sun in the sky, he took off to Kaoru's place in hope of finding him there.

Later, when he waited for Kaoru to get ready, he called Die and told him the news. Of course, it took a lot of willpower to not start crying again. The emotions were making him feel a total wreck, on the verge of a breakdown.

Die promised to get Toshiya and be in the hospital as soon as they could.

But now, sitting around and waiting for so long, the happiness died down and they started to feel nervous. The more they waited, the more it seemed that something was not right.

"Excuse me, are you Tooru's former band mates?"

All four of them lifted their eyes to the source of the voice. A young girl stood in front of them, looking so much like Kyo when he was much younger. She was short and very thin, had full lips and deep dark eyes, and black as night long hair.

It must have been Kyo's younger sister.

"Yes, we are" Kaoru said and stood up. The rest of the guys also stood up and watched the girl approach them warily.

"I'm Tooru's sister. I'm sorry for making you wait for so long. I knew you were here since morning."

"It doesn't matter" Kaoru waved away her apology. "Can we see him now?"

The girl nervously fidgeted and absentmindedly played with the hem of her blouse. She seemed to find it hard to look straight in the eyes to any of her brother's friends.

"You can… My parents just left to have lunch and he's now alone in the ward."

"So let's go then!" Toshiya encouraged her, but she still didn't move, starring at the ground.

"How is he?" Shinya whispered, faring to hear something really bad. Kyo's sister didn't look as happy as someone, who just found out that her brother is alive, should really be. It was almost as if she grieved.

"First of all I must ask you to promise not to spread the information to anyone. And I mean anyone – your friends, your family and God forbid the press!"

She finally looked up, her eyes angry and determined.

"Of course" Die nodded hurriedly. "We more than understand this!"

"Of course, it will already be in the evening news tonight, but we don't want any information to be public except from the one that he was found alive."

The four guys just nodded in agreement.

"A policeman spotted Tooru wondering around by the road and recognized him. He took him to the police station and there my brother's identity was confirmed. They called my parents and immediately sent him to Tokyo, to this hospital."

She faltered for a second, but everyone waited for her to continue.

"Tooru… he's not like himself… he…"

She stopped for a moment and tried to calm down, but it was too hard for her to do. A few tears escaped her eyes. She brushed them off and continued in a more silent voice.

"He doesn't speak, doesn't recognize anyone, he just… he just… it's as if he's really gone, just left his body behind…"

Silence followed her statement. Kyo's sister looked first at Toshiya, then at Shinya and lowered her eyes again.

"The doctors don't understand what's wrong with him. They've already started making tests. They say it might be shock, but… but they say it's quite doubtful, there must be something more, because Tooru doesn't even… can't even go to the toilet himself, and just… just wets his pants and doesn't even feel he's doing it…"

She lets a sob, but covers her mouth quickly and tries to compose herself.

"They say it's too early to say anything at all. Now they need to do a lot of tests. Maybe they will find out what it exactly is that makes my brother be like… like that."

She wipes the traces of the tears from her face with the back of her hand and brushes her fingers through her hair.

"The police is also as clueless as the doctors. They don't have the slightest idea of what have happened to him. Where he was all that time and what made him become as he is now… We need to wait a bit, at least for the doctors to be more concrete with the name of the illness my brother has…"

She crossed her hands over her chest and sighed, finally looking as if she managed to calm down a bit.

"Please, follow me now. I'm sorry to say this, but as soon as my parents will be back, you'll have to leave. They are still in shock and they are strictly against any visitors outside the family."

She then turned and the guys followed her lead. They all felt like in a surreal nightmare, barely making their legs move. They still hoped that when they'll enter the ward, they'll see Kyo sitting on the bed, munching on some food and greeting them merrily.

But it didn't happen.

They entered the ward and here he really was – Kyo, lying in bed, starring at the ceiling. He looked decent enough. Perhaps much thinner than before and pale as hell, but alive and breathing.

Kaoru made his shaky legs move and neared the bed. Kyo was starring at the ceiling with a glassy look and seemed not to notice at all that somebody entered the room.

Shinya appeared on the other side of the bed together with Toshiya and Die. They all looked at Kyo with disbelief on their faces, but also with relief heavily mixed with worry.

Kaoru extended his badly shaking hand and touched Kyo's fingers. Kyo didn't even flinch.

"Kyo…" Kaoru said, his voice trembling so much that he barely managed to utter his name. "Kyo, I knew you were alive… I knew it…"

But it was as if talking to a mere wall. Not a muscle flinched in Kyo's body. He was lying and starring at the ceiling. Just breathing silently.

Kaoru took Kyo's hand in his and almost broke down in tears. Too many emotions were fighting in his chest. Kyo's hand felt so small and frail in his grasp, so thin and light. He was so happy Kyo was alive, that he was back. But what he saw in front of him, the unresponsive body, ripped his heart apart. It's as if he wasn't here after all. His body lay in front of him, functioning, breathing, but his mind was gone.

Toshiya grasped Kyo's other hand and cried silently. Die couldn't keep a straight face either. He just tried to sooth Toshiya by gently rubbing his back. And Shinya just stared, a scared expression on his face.

It was not how things were supposed to end. It was unfair to Kyo. Unfair and simply cruel.

Later, when opening a second bottle of vodka and pouring it into his former band mates' glasses, Kaoru couldn't really remember how they got back to his place. Even Shinya was already drunk and almost sleeping on his sofa next to him. He, after drinking so much yesterday, got intoxicated again in no time.

Memories mixed together and overlapped. It all was one big depressing and painful bundle of thoughts and memories, and scenes and sights. Kyo's emotionless face on top of it all.

He could just remember seeing Kyo's parents come back and tell them to get out of the ward. They didn't want strangers, especially men, near their son.

He could also remember sitting with the other guys in the waiting room again and hoping to hear some news on Kyo's condition. Kyo's sister finally came to see them hours later and told what the doctors last reported.

It seemed that Kyo's blood bared evidence of many drugs he used (or was forced to use). He was malnourished and needed to be on a special diet to make him gain those twelve kilograms he lost. They also said they found traces of physical violence on his body. Not so old and quite fresh scars, many bones that were still healing after being broken. They said he was most definitely sexually abused.

But the most worrying thing for them was Kyo's current condition. They said it's perhaps too early to determine the final state of his condition, but it looked like the drugs and shock was just a tiny part of it all.

They said that it was a very high probability that Kyo just simply was mentally ill. Severely mentally ill, with no concrete diagnoses and no concrete way of how to treat it. Of how to bring the old Kyo back.

It was a high chance that Kyo would remain a mental patient for the rest of his life. Without any memory, feelings or comprehension of things surrounding him.

Kaoru drank the contents of his glass in one gulp.

Never before he felt so helpless in his life. So lost, so sad, so desperate.

Kyo was back, but the pain in Kaoru's chest doubled. And he wasn't so sure if he could take all of it this time.

It was too much. Too much for him to handle.

**TBC**

Hmm… no change of POV in this chapter… I guess I'll have to find out how to distinguish that with the next post… :P


	4. Chapter 4

I try to think I won't be less of a friend if I feel happy to finally be out of that place. It's just so depressing. The whole atmosphere screams of hopelessness. I can't imagine staying there for at least one night. So I'm really relieved we're finally leaving.

Though Kaoru stayed. Of course he stayed. He's there all the time. You could come here any time of the day and be almost 100% sure that you'll find him, unless the visiting hours are over. He's practically living there now. And it also makes me feel bad for wanting to visit this place as rarely as possible.

Special hospital.

Special hospital my ass!

If you asked me, I'd say it's like a real nuthouse from a horror movie, just a bit cleaner and more presentable.

I haven't ever seen so many crazy people in one place. Like, real crazy. Talking or mumbling to themselves, spit dripping slowly out of their mouths and sliding down their chins and necks, walking strangely and trying to touch me with their trembling, skinny and yellowish fingers, or just sitting on a chair and starring intently at the table as if it called their mother a whore. Some of them even look dangerous, glaring at whoever passes by them as if they would really like to kill the annoying interruptions. Some of them even were in straightjackets, because, and I'm pretty sure of it, they would actually do something to the visitors if their hands were free.

Gosh, I'm so happy to get out of there, to see normal people and to breathe fresh air, 'cause even the air in that place stinks of piss, medicine and old age. I can't even explain it, but the smell makes me sick, I can't stand it.

How can Kaoru spend there so much time, I can't even imagine. He stays there as long as they let him. Every fucking day.

I wish Shinya would really try to make Kaoru be more sensible and not to spend there so much time. He needs to find a job. He'll soon be broke, if he keeps this up. Of course, he must have quite a fortune still, but to keep a flat in Tokyo is far from a cheap luxury. And it's not only the money. He needs to find a job so that he could occupy his mind with some other things. He'll go crazy himself if he'll keep this up for longer. He needs to let go.

I sigh and Die immediately glances at me, looking worried. He wouldn't be worried if he knew what I was thinking right now. He'd be angry at me and disappointed, because right now I'm glad to be leaving that place, to be leaving Kaoru and… and Kyo behind…

Suddenly tears were stuck in my throat, threatening to burst out with sobs and I lean a bit, trying to suppress them. I flinch as I feel somebody touching my shoulder, but as I turn, I meet Die's concerned eyes.

"Are you ok, Totchi?" he asks and I manage to nod. He rubs my back with his hand a bit and keeps silent until we finally reach his car. When we're finally inside, I buckle up and immediately reach for my cigarette pack, left in the glove compartment. But Die catches my hand in the air and gently squeezes. Our fingers intertwine and I have nothing else to do but turn my head and look at him.

"I know how you must be feeling right now, Totchi. I'm not the happiest person on earth either. But we have to see a good side in all of this. At least he's alive."

"Alive? Have you seen him, Die? Can you call that state he's in being alive?"

I roughly pull out my hand out of his and finally grab my cigarettes, lighting up one and inhaling deeply.

Kyo's like a zombie. I can't find another word that would best suit him these days. He's just a pile of meat and bones that can't do anything on its own. He doesn't react to anything at all. Even if they try to get out a reaction from him and pinch him repeatedly, Kyo shrinks back, but doesn't move away unless somebody takes him by his hand and shows him to move back so that the pinching would stop.

He's... Kyo is worse than dead...

"Totchi..."

I hear Die's voice again, but I don't want to look at him right now. I'm a horrible person. If he knew the things that I was thinking, he would be disgusted with me. He'd be disgusted...

"I've lived with him, Die... I've lived with him for almost two years in the beginning. I really think of him as one of my closest friends. But I... but I wish he'd... I wish he would have better died instead of being like he is now... for the rest of his life..."

There, I said it.

My head falls down on its own, I close my eyes and rub them, trying to hide the tears, but a few of them still escape. My hands trembling badly, I can barely hold a cigarette in my shaky fingers.

It wasn't the first time we visited Kyo in this place, but up until today I tried not to think about it. I waited until Kyo would try to recognize things, voices, people. Until he would start to smile, or cry, or just show any emotion on his face. He was going through some therapy there, he was pumped with drugs every day. There had to be some kind of improvement soon.

But Kaoru said today what the doctors finally came to agree upon.

Kyo's state of mind was damaged severely. There was barely any chance for him to get better. He most probably would remain like this for the rest of his life. Doctors didn't really know what was wrong with him and how to treat him.

"It's not fair, Die..." my voice breaks and I shrink back in my seat much further. "To see him like this... Kyo of all people, being like this..."

I feel Die's hand taking my hand again and this time both of his palms enclose my hand, so that I wouldn't be able to escape him this time.

"I know, Totchi."

His voice is so soft and so gentle. And so full of sadness.

We sit like this for some time until I calm down more or less and he starts driving.

We don't talk. What could we possibly talk about? It's too painful to even think about it. And to voice it out loud would inevitably mean to accept it as the truth. As reality.

I could never imagine how Kaoru must feel right now. How he was feeling since the day they found him.

Kaoru never left his side unless somebody told him he had to go. Does he still have hopes?

I think he does. Otherwise he would be much more devastated. He still thinks, hopes, that Kyo can get better. And who am I to tell him that he's wrong? He doesn't even believe in what doctors say.

I want him to get out of that place, to get his life back, to start living, not slaving around Kyo's mindless body in that depressing place.

Die glances at me for a moment, and then turns to the road again. He's worried. For me. For Kaoru. For Kyo.

What would I do if I were in Kaoru's place? If it was Die in that bed, in that nuthouse instead of Kyo?

I put my forehead against the cool surface of the window and close my eyes for a moment.

My heart would break. I wouldn't leave his side. I wouldn't let him rot in that horrible place all alone until the end of his days, even if he'd only be a bag of meat and bones with no emotions and thoughts and nothing else at all.

"I love you, Die. I love you so much it hurts" I say to him for the second time in my life, because I want to make sure he really knows this. He has to know this.

I can't see his face, but I hear him inhale deeply and sharply.

"I love you too, Toshiya. With all my heart."

And this is why I can't tell Kaoru to let go. Because I know he wouldn't. Was I in his place, I wouldn't let go either.

If I can leave my friend Kyo there, and go on with my life, I would never even think of leaving Die in such a place.

Never.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Comment:** Not my personal favorite chapter this time -_- This was a bit hard to write, but some facts just had to be given this time, so yeah... But at least it's quite long this time! ^^ And ignore the spelling mistakes – they always find a way to escape my proofreading -_-

Also, I tried putting thoughts in *…*, I hope it worked… :)

Kaoru sighed, but tried yet another time to make Kyo's fingers grasp the fork on their own.

"You'll like it, Kyo, believe me. It used to be your favorite treat. Come on, take the fork."

Finally it seemed like the fork was going to stay in Kyo's fingers. Now to the second part of the process. Kaoru took Kyo's hand holding a fork in his own and guided it to the little box that was full of small banana pieces coated with caramel. He stuck the fork in one of the pieces, then guided it to Kyo's lips and touched them with the little bite of food.

For a moment it seemed that Kyo didn't even feel anything, but soon he opened his lips a little and Kaoru thrust the food inside Kyo's mouth. Very slowly Kyo started to chew and Kaoru sat patiently, waiting for him to finish.

Kyo was starring out the window, his gaze focused on nothing in particular. He looked much better already. In two months that he was back, he gained six kilograms. He still was too thin for his height, but at least they were on the right track and Kyo was eating.

"You see? It's good. The whole box is for you, so dig in."

When Kyo swallowed, Kaoru still helped his hand to go back to the food, but this time Kyo slowly turned his head and his eyes were now fixed on the little red box full of banana pieces coated in caramel. When another piece was stuck on the fork, Kaoru let go of Kyo's hand and watched how Kyo lifted the fork himself and put the food in his mouth.

Now Kaoru could lean back and wait for Kyo to finish.

He watched as piece after piece disappeared in Kyo's mouth and was content with himself. He knew he wasn't allowed to really bring anything here, but the nurses almost never came to check up on Kyo unless it was time for drugs, therapy, eating or to go to bed. He knew the schedule very well by now, so he was almost sure that nobody will ever notice.

"You can have it all, Kyo. I'll eat later. They're going to throw me out of here at dinner time no matter, so I'll eat later. Stupid pricks."

Kaoru wished he could stay beside Kyo the whole day, but he couldn't. The visiting hours were very strict. He could be here in the morning from 9 to 12 o'clock and in the afternoon from 3 to 6 o'clock. This, in his opinion, wasn't long enough. But the rules were strict. There were patients who got quite bothered if too many strangers were walking around all the time.

Kaoru sighed and watched as Kyo took yet another bite. Even if there was no real expression on Kyo's face, Kaoru thought that perhaps Kyo remembered this desert as he was eating it quite heartily. Or at least he remembered the taste and liked the sweet sensation in his mouth. They don't give sweet stuff to eat in here.

"You're almost done, Kyo" Kaoru smiled affectionately. He still couldn't tear his eyes off Kyo. That Kyo was here was still a miracle to him and he could watch him for hours and hours.

Though at first it brought only heavy pain to his heart. Kyo wasn't the same. The lack of any emotion and response to anything made Kaoru want to just curl up and die. Nothing the doctors did made Kyo respond in any way. The most believable diagnosis was that his head was void of any thoughts and any comprehension of surroundings. It's as if he would be hovering in a soundless atmosphere without anything to settle his gaze on. Nothing triggered his attention, therefore, no thoughts entered his mind.

Kaoru sighed involuntarily, as the fork hit the already empty box and Kyo was putting it back to his lips even though there was nothing to eat any more. He took the fork away from Kyo and stuffed it together with the box in his bag. When his eyes shifted back to Kyo, he saw that Kyo was now starring at the surface of the table, his right hand resting in front of him.

"We've still got an hour and a half until I need to go, so maybe let's go out for a walk? It seems like such a wonderful spring day. A couple of sakura trees in the backyard should already be blossoming."

Kaoru was silent for a moment as if waiting for Kyo to reply, then sighed and stood up. He took Kyo's hand by the elbow and tugged it up. Kyo, feeling this, stood up and Kaoru started walking, his hand still firmly grasped on Kyo's elbow. Kyo followed obediently.

They entered the main room where usually all the patients were spending their time. Barely anyone looked at them now. After more than a month of Kaoru visiting here, other patients stopped caring about him. They used to stare, used to go close to him and touch him, talk to him even though they couldn't even formulate their thoughts clearly. But now it was almost calm. Kaoru was really glad that he became invisible to most of the inhabitants in Kyo's ward.

The doctors put Kyo in the part of the institution where the most severely ill patients were locked. So there really was no one at least a bit sane. And Kaoru didn't like this at all.

How could Kyo get better if all he saw every day were total psychos? How could he get better by sitting every day in his room on the bed or by the window and starring into something? He wouldn't go anywhere unless someone took him out of the room, so Kaoru almost always found him in his room when he would come in the morning. And later, after dinner, he would find him in the main room, as the nurses after lunch would lead him there and leave him.

It was not a healthy environment and Kaoru hated Kyo's parents for leaving him here.

Kyo stayed in the hospital for just six days. His physical wounds were not too severe and they were already healing. The doctors spent most of that time trying to figure out where to put him and how to treat his illness after he was discharged.

Finally, with the agreement of his parents, Kyo was sent here – to the mental institution. But if anyone asked Kaoru, they were just naming things nicely. It was the most real loony-bin he has ever seen. Kyo didn't belong among crazy people. He wasn't crazy! During the time that he was missing, he obviously had suffered so much that his mind just snapped.

Of course, the doctors would immediately add that it's also a result of the drugs and medicine he was forced to take during that time, but, in Kaoru's opinion, the shock must have been the fatal cause of Kyo's recent state.

Kyo's parents had a very long and thorough discussion about his condition. Kaoru knows just the gist of it. Kyo's sister told him. She said that her parents have their own business and can't be 24/7 with Kyo at home, especially when Kyo needs to be taken care of constantly. Kyo can't even eat or go to bed on his own. So taking him home to Kyoto was not an option. His sister was still studying in the university and also working part-time, so she couldn't take Kyo with herself as well. So the doctors suggested to put him in a mental institution, where he would be taken care of, he would get a therapy along with other similar patients and would be safe.

The doctors prescribed some drugs for Kyo, but nothing else to help him get better. And as no member of the family wanted to take him home, he was stuck where he is now. His parents would pay for Kyo's stay here from his own bank account and, according to them, everything was settled.

Even the media finally got bored of chasing after this story. It was two months already that Kyo was found and his family, band members and friends were already left in peace by the journalists. And what could they possibly still write? That the police don't know where he was or what had happened to him? That doctors announced him to be crazy and had put him in a mental institution? That Dir en grey is really done for good and that the singer is now a half-deaf crackpot?

It gets annoying to read stuff like that pretty soon. So, to Kaoru's relief, they all were finally left in peace.

But about a month ago, on the day when the doctors refused all hope for Kyo's recovery was still harder than any other day before. Kyo was supposed to stay here for as long as he's like this. And who on earth would get better in such a place? How Kyo has to get better by sitting almost all the time alone and doing nothing? By not being able to see normal people? He needs to learn to use a toilet, but nobody here cares enough to help him. They showed him a few times, but apparently it was not enough. And, according to them, they don't have more time for this, so Kyo's left with peeing and doing other stuff in his pants. Or, to be more precise, in his diapers for adults. Can you get better by sitting on your own excrements all the time?

Of course, they weren't ignoring Kyo on purpose. They said it's either Kyo's mind clicks on by itself, or he'll stay like this for the rest of his life. But chances that Kyo would 'come back' were slim according to them. Kyo's doctor looked after him, and the nurses were kind, but they just didn't believe he could get well, they didn't have any trust in Kyo as Kaoru did. And they had so many other patients, who required much, much more attention than Kyo did. Kyo was the most silent of all. He would just sit throughout the day and do nothing. Others needed to be always observed, as they often did stuff to other patients or themselves that Kaoru never even thought possible. They required more attention than Kyo and it was understandable.

But abandoning Kyo like that was like announcing a death sentence to him. If only Kyo was in the normal environment, surrounded by people who really cared about him and loved him, he would have a better chance at getting well.

Or at least that was what Kaoru believed.

He once talked to one nurse and she said that of course it would be better for all the patients to be at home with their families, but it was utopia. To take care of a mental patient was an extremely hard task, requiring a lot of time and effort, and patience. So it was understandable, that most of the relatives left it to do to the professionals.

"Are you going for a walk, Niikura-san?" Kaoru heard a nurse ask him.

"Yes, we are. It's a beautiful afternoon."

"Yes, it surely is. Just don't sit in the shadow, because Tooru might get a cold."

"Of course" Kaoru nodded.

He guided Kyo out of the doors and immediately they were greeted by the sunshine.

"Isn't it a wonderful day, Kyo?"

Kaoru glanced at Kyo for a moment, then sighed and started walking.

He couldn't help but be angry at Kyo's parents for abandoning him like that. He couldn't know for sure, but he suspected that their unwillingness to take Kyo back home, at least transfer him to a hospital in Kyoto where he could be closer to his family, in a way was because Kyo's parents still were reluctant to accept the fact that Kyo might be gay or bi.

And this was so stupid! To leave their son in such a depressing place just because of something he might or might not be was just too cruel! They never even visited. It took some time and money to come to Tokyo and back. So they didn't come. After Kyo was taken to this place, they left and as far as Kaoru knew, just called his sister to check up on how the things were going.

His sister visited as much as she could. But she was busy with her job and studies, so she sometimes couldn't even manage one visit per week.

"Your sis told me she'd perhaps visit on Saturday. I know you're always waiting for her, Kyo."

Kaoru watched as Kyo's eyes squinted a bit because the sun was shining directly into them. No other reaction. There never was any reaction.

Kaoru immediately suppressed these thoughts. He just tried no to think about it. He lived by waiting for Kyo to get better, to smile again and just be himself. Just be the old Kyo everyone misses so much.

"If you could only leave, we would go to a café, we'd get some coffee and cakes. I know you can't drink alcohol and that's cruel, but your health is more important, so we'd have to stick to tea and coffee. But we would still have so much fun…"

Kaoru looked at the flowers growing in the grass near his feet and sighed again.

"I'd love to take you to watch sakura trees. They're already blooming here, in Tokyo. I know you liked them."

But he fell silent suddenly. Today it was too hard for him to speak. He knew that he'd have to go back home soon and he didn't want to leave Kyo in this place all alone for yet another night.

Kyo would be so ashamed if he knew that some random people, even if they were nurses, undressed him every evening, cleaned his private parts and put him to bed. He would never want strangers to shower him, feed him, take him for a walk. He would be humiliated if he would understand what was happening to him now.

_* But perhaps he has gone through much worse things than this when he was gone… * _

Kaoru caught himself in time and stopped these dangerous thoughts. They never led to anything good. They only tore his heart apart.

"It's almost time for us to head back in" he tried to sound cheerful. "Tomorrow I'll bring some new book for you to read again as we finished our last one already."

They went back in and Kaoru guided Kyo back to his bed. He made Kyo sit and straightened. Looking down on Kyo's calm face, his heart squeezed painfully at the thought of having to leave him again. It was too hard to go away. Even if he was not beside Kyo, he always thought of him. He just couldn't stop thinking about the once cheerful and enigmatic blond with a magnificent voice and strong will.

"I wish I could stay" Kaoru whispered and brought his hand on Kyo's cheek. "I know you'd like that too. It would be better than staying here on your own."

Perhaps he was stretching this too far. He never knew what Kyo thought of Kaoru's feelings for him. There was a slight chance that he would have never wanted to even hear it again, perhaps be shocked and disgusted.

But knowing that he perhaps had a lover - a guy - Kaoru really doubted Kyo would have reacted like that. Perhaps he would have just told him he was not interested. That Kaoru was not his type. Or that he was back on dating girls again. But Kyo would never have been too hard with Kaoru. Kyo was just a better person than that. He was kind and loving and he would have never hurt his close friend like that.

Or at least Kaoru really wanted to believe in this.

What would Kyo say if he knew Kaoru was visiting him so often now? Would he think Kaoru had any secret hopes? Would Kyo be careful and suspicious?

Kaoru drew back his hand from Kyo's cheek and looked at his deep, dark eyes.

"All I want is for you to come back to us, Kyo… I swear, it's all I want. It's all I can think of… If you come back and say you don't want to see me anymore, then that would be fine… It would hurt, but I would survive… Please, Kyo, please, be strong. Get well soon. We all miss you…"

Kyo stared at something on the other end of the room as if he was a wax doll – void of any thoughts and emotions.

Kaoru stood up abruptly and took his bag.

"See you tomorrow, Kyo-kun. Have a good evening."

Then he turned and left.

For the first time in many weeks he even wanted to get out of that place himself. It was draining all the hope out of him and without hope it was impossible to keep on going.

_* If only I could be with you all the time. Or take you home with me… * _

Kaoru stopped suddenly, as if he just had a revelation.

_* Would it even be possible? Could it really be done? * _

He suddenly grabbed his phone and dialed.

"Hey! - No, he's alright! I wanted to ask if we could meet. I need to talk to you, please. - Ok, Saturday is fine with me. After visiting Kyo we could go have lunch in a nearby restaurant. - Thanks a lot. Goodbye."

He thrust the phone in his pocket again and started walking in big steps. He was so excited that he barely saw anything around himself and bumped in some people until he reached his car.

_* And why not? It should be possible to do! It would be best for Kyo! It would be much better than staying in that horrid place! * _

He threw the bag on the passenger's seat and turned the engine on.

_* Oh God, if only it could be done! I must do everything I can to make it happen! I'm not going to leave Kyo rot and die in that place! * _

He drove off already thinking various possibilities and things that he would say to Kyo's sister. He needed to really think this through, but it was possible. He was positive about that at least.

**TBC**

I think you can easily guess what Kaoru is thinking about, as it was more or less said somewhere along the lines ^^ And comments are always welcome ^^


	6. Chapter 6

Fuck, I never noticed I had SO MUCH junk at my apartment! There literary were bags and bags of trash stacked in the hallway, waiting to be thrown away. Did I really live in all this mess?

I guess I never even noticed how the stacks of magazines and newspapers started to grow, how the boxes from fast food restaurants started to pile up in the kitchen and in the living room, how everything got covered in a thick layer of dust and the floor has lost its color and became just dark grey and ugly from dirt.

I managed to clean everything up only in three days.

Gosh, I'm exhausted.

But at least I have to take these bags out and I'll be done. The flat looks like new now. Everything's so tidy and clean. It's even nice to look at now.

The kitchen is quite big. I've got a lot of junk to cook meals in, so no problem there. My bathroom is also spacious, because I like it that way and when I bought the flat, it happened to have the western style bathroom with the bathtub and a shower cabin. So it's also perfect. My bedroom is quite small, but I've got a huge bed in it. I think I could easily fit three people in it if I wanted to. There's also a huge cupboard where some space is still left. I never managed to stuff it full with clothes.

My living-room is spacious as hell. There's everything one needs: from pouffes to huge flat-screen TV. I should perhaps redecorate a bit, but it's quite simple and safe as it is now. Also, I've got a study. I keep there my personal music equipment, guitars, music sheets and stuff like that. Hmm… So it should be closed and inaccessible. And finally I have one additional room which I jokingly call the guest-room. Though I've almost never had an opportunity to use it. It basically has a bed, a cupboard and a table. It's a smallish room and once I've considered of turning it into my mini-gym, but never had the time to really think about it.

So yeah, I think the flat is big enough and safe enough. I really think me and Kyo would be more than comfortable living here together.

God… I hope it turns out well…

This idea is perfect. Why didn't I think of it sooner? I could have saved Kyo from that horrid place much earlier!

I just need to convince his parents to place Kyo at my disposal. Legally. So that I would be the only one who has a right to look after him all the time.

Sounds too good to be true…

But it's all I can think of. It makes me so happy even to think that such a possibility exists. Theoretically I could bring Kyo home with me and take care of him. Theoretically.

Somehow I think that his parents wouldn't want to let me have Kyo, considering that I'm a man and that I'm not blood related to Kyo. Sadistic shits! Even if I love Kyo, I would never use him, even if he wasn't in a state like he is now!

He was used enough already…

Shit, I'm back on this again… but… but he _was_ raped… he was violated so many times…

I hate to even think about it. Even if I know it's true, I can't believe it. I just can't. It's too cruel, too inhuman, too horrible…

Kyo, I hope your parents will not care of where you are and who's taking care of you. I want you here with me. All the time. So that I would always be by your side and you would then at least have a chance at recovering.

I really do believe that that's all you need. You'll be back, Kyo. You will. I know you will.

When Kaoru sat down at the same table with Kyo's sister, his courage left him. Suddenly he felt very unsure. Not of himself, of course. He wanted Kyo to live with him, he wanted to take care of him as long as he could. But what would his sister think?

Surely she must have already thought of why Kaoru was constantly visiting Kyo. Surely she must have suspected already of Kaoru's true feelings for her brother.

The question was, would she think that Kaoru had some other intentions aside from the ones of helping Kyo to recover?

They ordered their meals and she looked curiously at Kaoru, though she didn't say anything. She patiently waited for him to say the reason of this meeting.

"Umm… I'm really having a hard time deciding where to start" Kaoru said and she smiled a bit.

"It must be about Tooru of course, so that's already a start. Just tell me what's wrong, please."

"Nothing's wrong. Well, nothing that you wouldn't already know about. Could I first ask you about what you think on Kyo's resettlement in that mental institution?"

She pursed her lips for a second then relaxed and slowly nodded.

"I don't really like the place, but so I don't like other clinics or hospitals or any institutions as this one. It would be best if our parents would take him home, but unfortunately it's impossible… And here Kyo is being taken care of. He's never hungry, he's warm and safe… Where else could he be more comfortable than there? It's not the best place in the world, but at least now we know where he is and that he is safe…"

"But do you know that Kyo just sits in one spot throughout the day barely doing anything at all?"

She nodded, but the look in her eyes was far from a happy one.

"Kaoru-san, it's not doctor's fault Tooru's like this."

"Of course I know that! But I'm just saying that instead of taking him for a walk or trying to cheer him up, they just leave him rot in his chair!"

"Please, Kaoru-san, just stop it right here…"

She lowered her head and brushed a tear off her cheek.

"Why are you speaking about all of this?" she asked silently. "I can't take care of him, I'm barely at home during the entire week…"

"But I can!"

She lifted her eyes and looked at Kaoru, clearly puzzled.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm doing nothing at all. I have all the time in the world. I can take care of Kyo and I want to take care of him! I want him to be moved in with me."

She looked quite shocked at hearing this and just stared at Kaoru.

"Please, believe me, I have no hidden motives under this. I want to take care of Kyo, I want to help him to get better. I can't stand seeing him in that place! He's going to die there if we leave him! And I can't let that happen! I…"

He stopped in time, but Kyo's sister straightened in her chair and looked straight in his eyes.

"Please, finish your sentence."

"I love him too much to let him rot in that madhouse…"

Silence fell between them and for some time they just gazed at each other, Kyo's sister judging, Kaoru trying to keep his ground.

"When you say 'love', what kind of love you have in mind?" she asked silently.

"Love as a friend and love as a… as a lover."

"Was Tooru… were you two l-lovers?"

Kaoru slowly shook his head.

"I had feelings for him for a long time, but never dared to say anything to him. And when he disappeared… I couldn't go on with my life not knowing where he was and what happened to him… I understood that my simple feelings of affection have turned to something much bigger and I never even noticed."

Kaoru looked her in the eyes and smiled sadly.

"I love your brother with all my heart and it's killing me to see him suffer, to see him like he is now…"

"But you would need to be with him all the time… Tooru is helpless, he doesn't do anything on his own…"

"I know all that. Believe me, I know, but I don't care! I can take care of him and it's all I want. It's what would make me finally feel as close to happy as possible in this situation. I just can't watch him slowly slip away from me. He's already dead inside, and in the way he's living now, his body would sooner or later give in. I can't let that happen! If only he knew what was happening with him now, he'd be devastated!"

"But Kaoru-san… you know that there's a very high chance that he'd never be as he was, that he'd never regain even the slightest grain of recognition of his surroundings… Are you telling me you would be looking after him for the rest of your life?"

Kaoru inhaled deeply and tried to calm down.

Of course he thought about this possibility, even though he hated it. But he knew it was possible. He was not dense.

"Yes, of course I know that. But… I just don't care… All I want is for him to be by my side, so that I'd know that he's safe and sound… And if he would be like this for the rest of his life… I would still never abandon him… never…"

They sat in silence for some time, both deep in their thoughts. Finally, she sighed and rubbed her temples with her fingers.

"And why are you telling me all of this?"

"Who else should I turn to? Your parents would definitely refuse my request. But with your help I might get the right to be his guardian."

"You really want this?"

"Like nothing else in the world."

She sighed and to Kaoru's surprise took out a pack of cigarettes from her bag.

"Everyone picks up this habit in university" she shrugged her shoulders, seeing Kaoru's eyebrows raised in surprise.

"So? What do you think?" Kaoru asked, as she started smoking still keeping silent.

"I need to think about it. Even though you seem not to leave Kyo's side all the time since he was found, your request is still like out of the blue."

Kaoru nodded.

"I understand. But please know that I have made up my mind, I'm really sure of what I want."

"When did you think of it?"

"This week..." Kaoru said, knowing that now he really sounded too impulsive.

"Isn't it a bit too rash?" she asked, but Kaoru lowered his eyes not answering. He couldn't really explain her how he felt about this idea. He knew that he was sure of himself, that it was all he wanted. But to put his feelings into clear words was much harder.

"Please, give it some time for yourself to think more about it, Kaoru-san. Think this over, putting the feelings aside. Think this through very carefully. When I'll decide, I'll call you myself, ok? But you also need to think about it. I need to be sure that you would really stick up to your words."

Kaoru nodded. What else could he do? He already knew what he will say later, he could say the same now. But he understood Kyo's sister as well, so he'll give her time to think about it.

"I'll be going now" she said and stubbed the cigarette. She was reaching for her wallet, but Kaoru took the bill and smiled to her.

"My treat, please."

She smiled and nodded slightly.

"Goodbye, Kaoru-san. See you later."

"Goodbye."

Kaoru finished his drink and paid the bill. With heavy heart he left the café to wonder around the streets until he could go back to Kyo.

He really believed Kyo's sister would be more willing to help. But if she would refuse, all hope was gone. She was his only chance. And he prayed that she liked him enough to trust him with her brother's life.

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

So this was his good news?

I'm speechless. I came here to tell him I found him a job and he beats me and tells me good news himself.

"Shinya, I know it's unexpected for you, but I have been thinking about this for a long time! It's the best news ever since the day Kyo was found! You don't know how happy I am!"

I just stare at him. Is he really not joking?

"But Kaoru… It's… Don't you think it's…"

"Shinya, it's the best news ever!"

I stand up not really thinking about it and go up by the window. Kaoru falls silent, seeing as I don't jump from joy at hearing the news.

"What's your problem, Shinya?"

His voice now sounds a bit irritated.

"How is it even possible? Legally, I mean?"

I still don't look at him, instead my gaze drops down on the people in the street, hurrying back home after their day of work.

"Kyo's parents will sign papers that will make me Kyo's official custodian."

"Kyo's parents? Really?"

I have a hard time imagining how Kaoru succeeded in convincing them.

"Well, actually I haven't even met them after that first week when Kyo reappeared. His sister did all the persuading. I asked her help and she thought it through and agreed to help me. She is close with her mother, so first of all she did her best at convincing her mother that it would be best for her son. And when her mother finally gave in, they both then talked to his father. All of it took quite a lot of time, but finally he agreed as well. Kyo's sister is helping me to prepare all the necessary documents with my lawyer and the parents are coming on Friday to just sign them. If all goes well, Kyo should be here with me already on Friday this week."

I'm again at a loss for words. I've never seen it coming. Kaoru never even mentioned he had an idea like this.

"When did you think of it?"

"Actually, quite a long time ago. In April."

"April?" I can't help but turn to look at him in surprise. "It's almost Christmas now!"

"I know. Kyo's parents were very reluctant and didn't want to yield very easily."

He's been thinking about it since April?

"Kaoru, what are you doing?"

He looks at me a bit taken aback. He's not really sure what I'm asking, I guess.

"Kaoru, why are you doing this? Why are you sacrificing your whole life? Kyo is fine where he is! Do you really think you know better how to treat him than doctors, who've been doing this job for all their lives? Kaoru, Kyo's not starving, he's not being hurt by them! He's being taken care of by professionals! Why do you think you can do it better than them?"

I see his eyes darken with every sentence I say, but he doesn't get angry. Perhaps he expected to receive a reaction like this from me.

"Shinya, it's almost a year since Kyo is back. Have you seen him lately? Can you tell me what kind of improvement in his state the doctors achieved? Well I tell you – none whatsoever! He's still the same, if not worse!"

"And you think you take him home with yourself and after a week he will miraculously get well, confess his eternal love for you and you'll live happily ever after?"

I see how much pain these words cause him, but I need to make him see reason. He can't behave like an irresponsible teenager. I know his intentions are good, but he'd be sacrificing too much. He's already sacrificed too much for Kyo. He has to start living his own life.

"It would be wishful thinking... to hope for that… I know life is far from a fairytale, Shinya. But you can't know if it helps or not unless you try. And I really believe Kyo needs much more care and attention than he gets there. For God's sake, he doesn't even know how to use toilet up until now! Who could ever get better living like this?"

"Kaoru, don't you think it's Kyo's parents' responsibility to take care of their son? Why do you think you're better than anyone else? Why do you think only you can take care of Kyo so much better than professional doctors?"

"Because I'm the only one who still really cares! And if it sounds like I'm so full of myself, I don't care! Only me and his sister still care about him! So we have a right to decide what's best for him!"

"And how do you intend to go on with your life without working? To support Kyo financially you'll need a lot of money throughout the years!"

"Kyo's parents will inscribe me with a monthly allowance of 25000 yen from his account as I'll be his legal guardian. It's not a lot, but it will be more than enough for Kyo's monthly ration of food and medicine. I can buy everything else he needs, no problems there!"

"Really? And for how long you intend to do this?"

"For as long as it takes him to get well!"

"And what if he doesn't get well after 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? How will you support yourself and him without any job and any perspectives? It's not too much time after we disbanded and people still remember you, recognize you as a very good guitarist and composer. Tell me, what will they say about you after 10 years? Nothing! Because they won't even remember your name! And what job will you get then? A cashier in a supermarket?"

"So what are you saying? To just leave Kyo and forget all about him? Let him rot in that horrid, depressing place?"

"Let him live the way he is now and finally let go! Kaoru, what you want to do is extremely noble, but it won't bring anything good, for any of you!"

"You're wrong, Shinya. If it won't bring anything good for me, then it will surely be good for Kyo. It will be so much better for him to live with me than in that place!"

"Ok, perhaps you're right on this. But what will become of Kyo when you'll get tired? Will you just put him back in an institution again? Do you think it will do much good to him then?"

"I will never abandon him, Shinya. I have made up my mind and it's final. I'm taking Kyo home with me."

I sigh and sit down on the chair nearest to me. It's pointless to argue with him. He's really not going to budge.

"At least take up the job I came here to offer" I ask silently, not able to fight with him anymore.

"What job? What are you talking about?"

Oh yeah, I haven't even had the chance to tell him.

"Yoshiki-san is going to take up a new band to produce and he needs help. He would like you to write music for the band."

"I won't have time for any of…"

"Kaoru, please, be reasonable!" I interrupt him, my patience already running out. "I'll talk to Yoshiki-san, ask him to let you work at home and show up only from time to time to bring what you would come up with. You must agree with me, Kaoru, it would be the perfect job for you!"

"Maybe, but I don't have time for that now."

"No, you do! Just agree! I'll talk to Yoshiki-san and let you know if he's ok with you working at home. I'll let you know what he'll say. But I'm almost sure he'll say yes. And then you'll have to take up the job!"

"Shinya, I really appreciate your effort, but…"

"Please" I interrupt him. I need to make him understand. I'm only doing what's best for him. "Please, just think about it. You'll understand that it's really the best in your current situation."

Finally Kaoru nods slowly and sighs.

"I'll think later, but not know. Now all I care about is for the legal things to be settled as soon as possible."

I nod. It's the closest to 'yes' that I have gotten out of him. I'll have to live with that for now.

"What did your parents think about you taking Kyo home?"

"They are against it."

Of course they are. I don't think they've even met Kyo at all before he disappeared.

"But they know I won't change my mind."

Finally I really look into his eyes and smile a bit. Kaoru looks a bit tired, but his eyes shine with happiness.

"I'm sorry if I'm being cruel with you, Kaoru, but I'm only saying what I think. And I really want you to be happy, Kaoru. You're a very dear friend to me…"

He smiles and I know at that moment that he's not angry with me.

"I'm already used to a reaction like this, Shin-chan. Believe me. I had the hardest conversation in my life with my parents. Everyone else except me and Kyo's sister think it's madness. But Shinya, I'm only doing this because I love him. I don't want him to suffer more than he already suffered when he was gone. The things he must have been forced to go through… I want to make it up to him, I want to bring back at least the smallest part of the real Kyo we all knew."

And I hope you will be able to succeed, Kaoru. But life never has a 'happily ever-after' attached to its end. I'm afraid you will have to learn it the hard way…

"Come visit Kyo more often, Shinya" Kaoru smiles gently, as if I was a kid who needed to be reminded of his obligations. "I'm sure Kyo would love your company."

"Of course I will, Kaoru. But not as often as you would like."

He nods and I'm happy that he understands. He knows I'm engaged and my hands are full with my job and my future family. He knows we're having our hands full with buying a house, redecorating it and preparing the wedding among all other problems that seem to never end.

But I never forgot Kyo and never will. And I'm happy Kaoru knows that.

We sit for a while and have a beer. Kaoru visibly relaxes and the mood shifts to a more comfortable one. I ask him of his plans for Christmas and New Year, but of course he says he's going to stay home, hopefully with Kyo by his side. His parents are still angry with him and Kaoru won't be going to see them this year.

"Have you heard anything from Toshiya and Die recently?" I ask, a small smirk on my face.

"They've been to visit Kyo about a month or so ago… I haven't told them yet about the changes in Kyo's life" Kaoru smiles. "But I kind of don't want to anymore… I'm tired of arguing with everybody all the time."

"Just tell them when it'll all be over."

"Why do you ask, Shinya? Have you seen them yourself?"

"Yeah, we went for dinner. They wanted to meet my fiancée. I think something fishy is going on between those two."

"What do you mean?"

Kaoru looks genuinely puzzled, so I try to hint without actually saying anything. But so far Kaoru still looks clueless.

"They seem to spend too much time together."

"Well, they work together."

"I mean, after work. They seem to be almost clinging to each other all the time."

Finally Kaoru's eyebrows rise and he looks astonished.

"You mean… Die and Toshiya? Together?"

"I don't know for sure, but the way they behaved with each other during the dinner… I think there's really something between those two."

"Wow, I've never seen anything."

"That's because all you think about is Kyo."

It was just a statement, but it came out of my mouth more like an accusation. Kaoru glares at me briefly and sips from his bottle.

"I would have asked, but I didn't have an opportunity. And if I'm right, maybe they'll tell us themselves. But I just wanted to ask you about this. For some time I thought maybe I was getting paranoid or something…"

Kaoru laughs and I smile at him.

Soon I have to leave and the uneasiness comes back on my chest. I still think Kaoru's decision about Kyo is not wise. But I know he won't listen, so I decide not to say anything again.

"I'll call you when I'll know what Yoshiki says about the job."

"Yeah, ok. Thanks, Shinya."

"Take care of yourself, Kaoru."

"Of course. Goodbye!"

"Bye!"

He closes the door and I leave. My head spins with thoughts and questions and doubts. The day was long and hard and the evening was even more stressful than I have imagined. I just want to go to bed.

I hope Kaoru won't ruin his life with this decision. And I hope it won't hurt Kyo in the end.

It really seems like in this situation only one can win. And in the long run it won't be Kaoru.

Sadly, it won't be him.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

I can hardly believe I'm actually really taking him home. It's still early in the morning, but as soon as I was allowed, I came to take him. Kyo's now sitting in the passenger's seat, starring out the window. I can't really see his face as his head is turned from me, but he must be enjoying the changing scenery. I can't even imagine what it would feel like after so many months of being locked in that place to finally get out.

I drive as carefully as I can. But my hands are still trembling a bit from excitement. I can't help it. The whole morning feels like a dream to me. I can't believe I'm really awake, that I'm really taking him home.

His sister is coming in the evening to see how Kyo is doing, so until then we're alone.

"I've prepared a room for you, Kyo. I know you'll like it. I'm sure of it."

It doesn't seem like he even notices my presence at all, but today it doesn't bother me. I'm too excited. Gosh, I want to jump and scream from joy! I haven't felt this happy since forever… It's truly the best thing ever since Kyo's disappearance.

When I park my car and open the door, Kyo keeps starring the same way. I unbuckle his seatbelt and take his hand, and then pull it towards me. Kyo gets the hint immediately and stands up. He doesn't have any belongings. His sister will bring some of his clothes from his place tonight. I actually am glad that she offered to do that. I'd like Kyo to look as normal as possible and just be himself. At least look like he used to look.

We go into the building and get into the elevator. Kyo still seems unfazed by the changes and for a moment my mood sinks down a bit. I was hoping for something… some miracle, perhaps… But then again – if Kyo is ever going to show any improvement at all, it's going to take a lot of time for it to happen. Perhaps too much time for any of us to actually be able to patiently endure the waiting.

When I unlock the door and let Kyo in, I can't help but still feel very excited. I was striving to take him home with myself for so long and finally it happened. Whatever is going to happen, it's not going to get any worse. I'm positive about it.

"Here we are, Kyo-kun. Here, let me take off your shoes."

When I take off his shoes and his coat, I undress quickly myself and guide him to the living room. I've got no Christmas tree this year. I was afraid of putting any objects that could potentially harm him in his reach. I've frown away many unnecessary figurines and all other small stupid shit that Kyo could swallow and choke. All drawers with knifes and other dangerous kitchen equipment now have locks on them. I'm not going to risk. Kyo might harm himself without intending to, so I'm not going to make it easy for him to do that.

"Here, sit down for a moment, ok? I'm going to change and bring you some comfortable clothes as well."

It's a bit scary to leave him alone in the living room, but I won't be able to watch him 24/7, so I'll have to learn. I dress as quickly as I can, but when I come back, he seems not to even have changed his position even slightly.

"We have to get you out of these fancy clothes, Kyo" I try to joke. "For now you're going to have to be happy with my tracksuit pants and a t-shirt with a warm sweater."

Even though I have thought through everything that I will have to do while taking care of him, I still hesitate for a moment when I actually have to undress him. But as nobody else is going to do that for me, I finally make myself to move.

I take off his jacket and then his shirt. I've seen him shirtless so many times that it's almost usual to see him like that now. Though he's much skinnier and his chest is void of any muscles he used to have. Then I take off his socks and slowly reach to undo the fly of his pants. This action feels so intimate that I lower my head avoiding his unfocused stare. To even think that all of those months some random strangers were doing this for him, makes me feel sick. It's too private, but nevertheless, it was done by people Kyo had never seen before. It makes me sad to even think of it.

The sound of the zipper is loud in my ears. I undo the two buttons in his pants as well and then finally take them off. I can't help but notice how small and tiny his body is. Now, exposed like this to me, Kyo seems more vulnerable and helpless than ever before and a wave of sadness washes through my whole body.

"Here we go. Now I'll get you into something comfortable and you can rest a bit. I'm sure it was stressful for you. You haven't been out of that place for so long."

I manage to force myself talking. Pitying won't do anything good for Kyo. He doesn't need that. Especially now, when it's going to just get better, not worse.

When Kyo is finally dressed again and I put all the things in their places, I find myself at a loss of what to do next. This feels… so weird. Kyo is here, in my living room, sitting on my sofa, but looking nothing like the Kyo that was here the last time.

Last time he was here, we were going over some band-related papers and then we ordered pizza and just talked for some time, some music channel turned on as a background. Kyo was so happy at that time. He joked a lot and smiled a lot. And I secretly watched him and thought of what it would be like if he stayed over for the night and I would find courage confessing my feelings for him. I even went so far as to really look at him when he wasn't watching, stare at his crotch longer than was decent and think of how wonderful it would be if he said he liked me back and we would kiss, and he would let me touch him anywhere I wanted…

We were so young back then. And so naive.

Now, looking at an empty look in Kyo's eyes I can't stop myself from thinking that it's never going to happen.

I will never have him the way I wanted him all those years. Willing to give his body and soul to me.

Now all I have is his body, but all I want is his soul back.

I close my eyes for a moment and make myself to throw these thoughts out at least for now.

"Let's go to the kitchen, Kyo. I'll make us something to eat. I bet you've missed decent, homemade food. I can't do miracles in the kitchen, but at least I'm not too bad."

I take his hand and Kyo stands up. He goes by my side to the kitchen and I sit him at the table. He chooses some spot on the right side of himself and focuses his gaze there. I start taking out the products and making us some early afternoon snack.

The silence irritates me. I look at Kyo at my kitchen table from time to time as if afraid that he would vanish. But he sits calmly, not changing his position and I finally calm down. My mood seems to change every five minutes. I just feel too many emotions at the same time. It's too nerve wrecking for me. I'm happy and sad at the same time and I don't know how to deal with all of these feelings.

"Oh, Kyo, you won't believe what I'm going to tell you now" I smile and quickly throw a glance at him. "Me and Shinya think that something is going on between Die and Toshiya. You know what I mean, don't you? But it's so strange. I mean, Totchi is a fashion slave, thirsty for attention! And Die is so down-to-earth kind of guy. He's very sweet and sometimes even seems to be quite dense. You know, like a guy from some village, while Toshiya is all high fashion and celebrity kind of guy."

I think for a moment and add.

"But of course, they're both very friendly and kindhearted people, so perhaps I'm exaggerating this too much… They both love to party, they both joke around a lot and they both are tall."

Unexpectedly even for myself, I laugh out loud. The last bit was so stupid.

"Yeah, I know what you're going to say, Kyo. But they're just lucky! I'd hate if my partner would be taller than me!"

I didn't even notice how I start talking. It seems to take my mind of other things and I again feel happy. Though when we finally sit to eat, the silence settles down in the kitchen again. I watch as Kyo eats with an appetite and it makes me feel satisfied. Perhaps he really can feel the difference between the homemade food and the junk he got in that institution.

When we're done, I leave Kyo to drink juice and stand by the window with a cigarette in my hands. I don't want to smoke right in front of him, but I don't want to go to the balcony as well. I'll have to think of what to do with this problem as well. Or perhaps I should just quit smoking.

Kyo finishes drinking juice and sits there silently, the glass still grasped in his slim, bony fingers. The tattooed fingers I love so much. His crown tattoo is sticking out from the sweater a bit as well. He wanted more tattoos, but never got to do that. I wonder what he would have done if he could.

But my thoughts are interrupted with something unexpected. I hear a sound of some liquid falling on the ground. At first I feel puzzled, but then suddenly I glance down and see how a little yellow puddle gathers between Kyo's legs and still expands.

"It's ok, Kyo" I stutter, but for a moment feel at a loss of what to do.

Though I know what I have to do. At least now.

I approach him slowly and push his chair back. Kyo immediately stands up, but doesn't do anything else. I lean down and take his pants off. Leaving them on the kitchen floor I guide Kyo to the bathroom. He leaves wet traces of piss on the floor, but I've got no carpets, so it's ok. I knew this was going to be a problem that I would have to figure out how to deal with.

But in the bathroom I feel at a loss of what to do again. His boxers are wet. I have to take them off.

"Sorry, Kyo, but you know I have to do this" I mumble, keeping my head down, my eyes fixed on his lower region.

I sigh and slowly take his boxers off.

It's the first time I see him naked like this and it makes my insides shrink as if I was sick. This doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm violating him. Like I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. I know it's inevitable, but I haven't really thought about it. I knew I'll be washing him and dressing him, but I never let my thoughts go into any detail.

I'll have to wash him now as well.

I make my hands be steady and find a towel. I make the towel wet and come back to Kyo. I try to avoid actually touching him and rub off the piss off him with the wet towel. I know I shouldn't feel bad for doing this, but I can't help myself.

Now I know what his parents and his sister must be thinking. What Shinya and Die with Toshiya are perhaps also thinking about me. I'm in love with him. And now I have him all to myself. I have all the power over him I need. And perhaps they think I will be abusing the power I have.

I take new boxers from the cupboard in the bathroom and put them on for Kyo.

I feel sick, but not because I got exited of seeing my Kyo nude. I feel sick of the thought that people might be thinking I have intentions like that.

Of course, it's… strange to see Kyo like that: exposed to me and helpless. But I would never ever do anything like that to him. I just feel sad of knowing Kyo will never have a chance to choose if he wants me or not. And I will never have the chance of loving him the way I want to.

But Kyo's health, his sanity, is above all to me. I'm not going to do the same things that led him in the state he is now. I would better die than ever hurt him that way. Or any other way either.

"Here you go, you're all clean now."

I take him to my bedroom and put him in new pants. I make him sit on my bed until I clean the kitchen and the bathroom. I have to think of some way to deal with this problem. I have some ideas and I'm going to try them out. But there's no way I'm going to put him in diapers ever again! That's not going to happen!

When I get back to the bedroom, Kyo is still sitting on my bed calmly.

I take him back to the kitchen and let him sit at the table until I clean up. Then we go to the living room again and I sit him by my side on the sofa.

The rest of the day goes slowly and most of the time awkwardly for me. It just feels weird on having him here, but not being able to talk to him. Having to make all the decisions for him.

I turn on the TV and pretend to watch it when actually most of the time my eyes are on him. It makes me feel calmer to watch him sit here, beside me, even if he is like he is now.

Some time passes and it's time for his medicine.

Then it's time to eat again.

Some time later in the day the same incident, just a bit more complicated, happens and I have to clean him up and change him again.

Then make his room ready for him to have a nap, but his sister finally comes. We sit in the kitchen again and talk, with Kyo right beside us. She brought two big bags of Kyo's stuff and we both go through all of it. She even brought one stuffed animal that Shinya gave to Kyo on one of his birthdays.

She seems to be happy with how things turned out. Their parents wanted her to check up on Kyo and call them later in the evening to tell how it all looked and she said they will be relieved to know that Kyo seems to be just fine and unfazed by these sudden changes.

She also mentions that Kyo's parents might want to actually come and see by themselves that I really take good care of him, but she said it was still not clear if they were going to do it.

I wish they didn't. I really don't feel like facing them and their suspicious looks.

Finally she promises to come again during Christmas and she's gone.

I make us supper and we eat in silence this time. I'm too emotionally exhausted to talk anymore.

Later I have to clean him up again. I'm just really happy I thought about this problem in advance and prepared his bed so that the mattress would never get wet.

I give him his drugs that he has to drink in the evening, then put him in pajamas and finally put him to bed. It's still just a bit after nine, but as soon as Kyo puts his head on the pillow, he closes his eyes and his body relaxes.

I quickly then take a shower myself and prepare to go to bed.

But even though I feel exhausted and overexcited, I can't sleep. Every half an hour or so I get up and go to the guestroom to check up on him. Every time I go there, I find Kyo asleep. But even then I can't fall asleep myself. I feel uncomfortable leaving him there alone.

And just somewhere around one o'clock I finally manage to fall asleep.

The day was long and tiring. It was a happy and a sad day at the same time. But the most concerning thing for me was the thought that it was actually going to be a lot harder than I thought.

But I'll do it. For Kyo.

I'd do anything for him.

TBC

Comments are always welcome ^^


	9. Chapter 9

The alarm goes off with fury and wakens me up roughly. I slam it shut and fall back on the pillow. It's 8 o'clock in the morning. As always.

I groan and finally manage to sit in bed. Somehow today is very hard to force myself to get up. Even though it's still early, it's already hot and humid. My window is wide open, but it doesn't help. I already start to sweat. At least it's the last summer month. I've gotten tired of all the hot weather. It tires me out more than it used to.

Barefoot I pad to Kyo's room, stretching my stiff muscles on the way. I find him awake, of course. He never failed to keep to the schedule. And to think that he used to love to sleep in… Now he goes to bed quite early and wakes up always around 8 o'clock. That means I have to get up at the same time as well.

"Good morning, Kyo" I mumble, still too tired to speak in the usual tone of voice. "Did you sleep well?"

I open his window widely to let some fresh air in. I know it must be hot for him to sleep with the window almost closed, but I don't want him to get sick. To get a cold or a runny nose. I take his blanket away and he sits in bed. He's wide awake.

I take his hand and he stands up and follows me. Once we've reached the toilet, I open the door and he gets in. I take off his boxers and guide him to sit. Once he's sitting down, I go back to his bedroom. I always use these minutes to make his bed and select clothes.

Once I'm back, I help him to stand up. I usually don't have to do more than that in the morning. So then we go to the bathroom. All this routine is so familiar to both of us that I don't even look at him walking by my side. Kyo follows with ease, not stumbling, but keeping up with me. But my hand is always tightly grasped on his elbow.

I take off his t-shirt and then get out of the boxers that I was sleeping in. We take a morning shower together. It saves so much time for me. And it's not like Kyo can wash himself alone. I always have to be there. So showering together is the best solution. I almost stopped noticing his nakedness long time ago. It's now natural for me to see him like that – all wet, and dripping and totally naked, right beside me.

First I wash him off with cocas-flavored shower jell. I scrub him all over, even his private parts. Then I push him to stand under the stream of water and when he's clean enough, I push him out of the stream again. Shaving always is a must every morning. Just once I let his facial hair grow, but Kyo looked so much older with it, so I shaved it off. So this morning I'm also doing just the same. And finally I wash his hair. After that I guide him out of the cabin. I wrap him in a huge and thick towel and sit him on the chair. He always looks so beautiful like this, all cocooned in a towel only his toes and his head sticking out, his hair a spiky black nest, messily standing out in all directions.

Sometimes it's too hard to see him like this. I can't help but think of how attractive he looks. Like today.

My eyes stop for a long moment over his small figure, cuddled in the white towel, and my heart clenches painfully. It's so sad to see him like this. He looks perfectly normal and healthy, unless you look him in the eyes. The eyes are void of any emotion at all. There's nothing in there. Nothing whatsoever.

The only improvement he showed during these now soon-to-be six months is that he learnt how to use a toilet and he gained the rest of the weight he needed as well as some muscles. We used to take impossibly long walks in the park and after some time he got physically stronger.

But that's almost all.

Apart from some very minor things, he's still the same. And he, of course, doesn't recognize anyone, including me.

"Stop doing this to me, Kyo" I say, but my voice is very silent. "Don't torture me by looking so incredibly handsome."

I decide that enough was enough, turn my back to him and start quickly washing myself off. But the image of Kyo, wrapped in the towel and sitting on the chair just a few steps away is imprinted in my mind and even if I'm not looking at him, I still can see him in front of my eyes.

Even now, after so much time, sometimes my body still reacts to what my eyes see. I got hard too many times for my liking by just seeing him like that. But this morning I'm perhaps just too tired. Thankfully, my lower regions stay as they are. So I quickly finish showering and dry myself off. I slip into new boxers, jeans and a t-shirt and then finally get back to Kyo.

Drying him off is easy. He even learnt to lift his hands just a bit, but enough for me to scrub at his sides with the towel. When my hands go lower, I find myself facing his pubic hair and his cock. The sight I've seen like hundreds of times by now. But sometimes it still feels like I'm intruding too far. If Kyo could only say something, he would die from shame knowing I did things like that to him.

"Here you go, Kyo-kun, you're all fresh and new!"

I dress him then. It's the usual attire: socks, tracksuit pants and a t-shirt. Sometimes I put on him jeans, but I try to make him as comfortable as possible while we're at home, so jeans usually are left for going outside.

Then we finally head to the kitchen. I sit him at the table, in his usual spot, so that Kyo could watch me preparing meal and wouldn't be too bored. The sun irritably shines in his eyes through the window, but he barely flinches. It's still not so intense this early in the morning.

"I think today we'll have a simple breakfast. I'm sorry, but I really feel exhausted, so I'm in no mood to prepare something incredible today. So I say juice, some buns with jam, hard-boiled eggs and cheese. Yum yum."

Actually, I feel quite hungry, so this sounds to me like the best breakfast ever invented.

When I put everything on the table together with my cup of hot strong coffee, we start to eat. Now I just need to put Kyo's hand in the right place on the table and if he touches a fork or a spoon, or a bun, like today, he immediately gets the hint and starts eating. He's learnt to feel that at a certain hours in the day and in this room we eat, so I barely need to do anything at all. Just to help him out when he drinks his juice and to find food on the table from time to time.

We eat in silence. I'm not in a mood for talking today. Somehow, the whole last week tired me out. With a lot of work on my hands and Kyo to take care, I barely have a free moment to rest. It drains me out from time to time and I guess that today is just that period again.

I look at Kyo over the table.

An egg in one hand, a bun in another. He seems to be preoccupied with the breakfast. In this hot weather his hair are already dry in the ends.

I remember the first time I got an erection while showering him. I felt so embarrassed over that. It was wrong to lust after Kyo when he was in a state like that – defenseless as a baby. I just finished washing him as soon as I could and took him back to his bedroom. When I got back, I tried to ignore the fact that I was hard and finished washing myself, got dressed, we had breakfast. But the erection stayed.

It was so embarrassing to walk around with a boner in my pants all morning, so I hid in the bathroom and got rid of it. But the image I saw in my head was Kyo – naked and wet in the shower with me.

I couldn't look him in the eyes that day.

But now I don't really blame myself for it anymore. First, I haven't had any sex since Kyo's disappearance and that was so long ago. Second, I wasn't doing it on purpose. My body reacted on its own accord and considering the fact that it reacted like this to the man I loved, was nothing surprising. And finally, I never used and will never use Kyo for relief. I will never take advantage of him when he's in such a state. So if I got hard just by watching him and jerked off without him seeing me do that, it was nothing to be ashamed about.

Right?

Shit, I should just rent some good porn and spend the whole night masturbating. If I get it all out of my system, I'd be safe around Kyo again. At least I think I'd be.

I sigh and take the coffee. Kyo's still munching on the bun. He loves these so I try to buy them as often as I can. Though perhaps he wouldn't thank me for additional weight that he's gaining from eating them.

"Don't worry, Kyo. Some kilos here or there won't hurt you. You're still gorgeous" I smile a bit and finish my coffee.

Then it's time for his drugs. Even though the doctors couldn't come up with one concrete diagnosis for Kyo, they prescribed him with drugs that can be used for treating similar mental conditions. They said these drugs will not harm Kyo, but, hopefully, will help him. When I put the two pills at his lips, he obediently parts them and I slip the drugs in his mouth. Then put the glass of water and Kyo swallows the tablets with one gulp. Then I wash the dishes while Kyo calmly sits at the table.

"Well then, we can go for a walk now and do the shopping. The fridge is almost empty."

I still have a lot of work to do, but shopping can not be skipped. If I could be fine with eating anything that I've still got in the fridge, Kyo wouldn't. So we must go.

"Would you like some cupcakes today? Or maybe ice-cream? Or maybe you should have some grapes instead, you've been gaining weight quite steadily for the last several months… I guess I spoil you too much."

I chuckle and decide that green seedless grapes should be fine. They are delicious and sweet, after all.

I change quickly and then put on Kyo a pair of jeans and we go out. I always make sure that Kyo wears a hat and a long-sleeved shirt. When I put sunglasses on, I think it's almost impossible to recognize us. Of course, we could go by car, but Kyo needs to exercise as much as possible, so we walk to the nearest supermarket. With all the shopping and walking back and forth we spend almost two hours, so it's good for Kyo and I do the shopping at the same time.

Sometimes though people still stare at us. It's I think because I always keep a hold on Kyo's hand. Usually I hold him by his elbow or the hem of his shirt and perhaps it looks like we're holding hands.

Do we look like a gay couple to other people?

If they don't look Kyo in the eyes, they might easily misjudge what they see. Kyo's eyes are usually hidden by the hat. Mostly I don't care. I even start sometimes talking to him even though he never answers and people then stare even more.

Today I don't even look around. I'm in no mood to face the curious glances. We walk down the street and as always I keep a firm grip on Kyo's hand. Kyo has never showed any signs of being afraid of people or cars around him, but I cannot take any risks. What if he suddenly decides to jump into the street or do something else? It's my responsibility to keep him safe and sound.

When we reach the supermarket, I smile at the lady at the cash register. She recognizes us as we always come here. We developed a kind of polite relationship with 'hello, how are you today' and 'better buy the oranges today, because the apples are a bit old already'. Sometimes I think she tries to flirt with me, but I cannot be totally sure. She's either just too polite and nice, or she wants to flirt but then knows who I and Kyo are and tries to keep her distance. After so many times of seeing us and as Kyo's story was all over the newspapers and TV, she surely must recognize us.

I put Kyo's hand on the shopping cart and he grips it hard. In this way both of my hands are free for shopping and Kyo's still safe beside me.

The cart is soon full and we head to pay for all the stuff. The girl at the cash register smiles seeing us. Even though I see 'Miyuki' written on the card that was stuck over one of her breasts, I almost never address her by her name.

"Hello, how are both of you today?" she smiles and bows a bit.

"Thank you, we're fine. And you?"

"Same here" she smiles while her hands automatically take our products one by one and scans them. "No cupcakes today?" she asks.

"Ah, no, not today. We're afraid to get out of shape" I laugh and she smiles even more. She's quite beautiful. Short, but skinny, with barely no chest, but she has very lean and elegant hands and gorgeous full lips. I also love her hair – it's so thick and shiny. She's extremely lucky she was born with hair like this. I know at least four women who could kill for hair like hers.

"No cigarettes today as well?" she lifts her eyebrows in question.

"I'm really trying to quit" I smile apologetically.

"Oh, that's good to hear" she smiles again.

Finally I pay and put all the things in one huge bag.

"Have a nice day!" she bows.

"You too" I smile at her and take Kyo's hand. I wonder if she would go out with me if I asked. But then again, all I want is sex and she's too nice to be used like that.

I sigh and grip Kyo's hand tighter.

Yeah, no sex for me today. Again. Maybe we should really stop by a video rent on our way back home?

"What do you think, Kyo? Would you like to watch some cartoons?"

I glance at him briefly and laugh at my own foolishness.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You've got too much of that shit at home. Perhaps I should forget the porn and concentrate on writing music instead. Time is running out quickly…"

When we get back, the first thing I do is remove our shoes and take Kyo to his room. I change his clothes and leave him in the toilet for a few minutes. Then I take our products and quickly put everything in the fridge and in the shelves.

Next stop – Kyo again. I clean him up (thankfully nothing much this time, just liquids) and take him to the kitchen with myself. I quickly prepare us both a snack and we eat. As I have to give Kyo meals at the same hours every day, my own eating habits changed a lot. I think I've never been eating as well as I've been eating for the last six months. Every day me and Kyo have home prepared food and I really enjoy this part of the day. Just sitting with Kyo at the table, eating and looking at him. The fact that he was here, in front of me, alive and breathing was wonderful.

"Well now, Kyo, time to do some work."

I sigh tiredly. I feel full after a snack and a bit lazy, but I've got so much work to do that I need to use up every free minute for that. I take Kyo with myself to my study and sit him in the armchair. It's his usual spot. He seems so comfortable sitting there. When I write music, I always take him to the study, but if I do the paper work, I leave him to watch harmless programs on nature and animals on TV.

This time, when I sit Kyo down, I take my guitar and notes. I really believe that music would do only good to him. Sometimes he looks as if he is really listening. I'd be so happy if that was true, so I want to try everything I can to heal his mind.

For the next couple of hours I work and Kyo sits just right there. Time always flies quickly when I write new songs and this time is no different. I haven't even noticed how the clock came to show 4 o'clock in the evening. I put the guitar aside with a sigh.

Next stop – the toilet. And this time the usual sounds signal that I have to get the wet tissues to clean Kyo up. These tissues for cleaning babies' bottoms are the best invention ever! Seriously, they save so much work and trouble for me! I wipe Kyo's certain parts with that and when we're done, we head to the kitchen again.

Time for Kyo's evening drugs and nutritious cocktail of vitamins.

Then we go to the living room and sit on the sofa. I usually do the readings for him for an hour at this time. It's lucky that today we have no appointments with his doctor or no my job-related meetings. Those are always a pain in the ass, because I have to take Kyo with myself. And even though people know our situation more or less, they still stare and judge, and I sometimes can't stand those looks.

But today is quite a calm day; we don't have to go anywhere. I read him a children's book about a deer family and hope that the tone of my voice means at least something to him. I always choose just the most harmless stuff I can. So it always leaves me with no other choice but mostly books for children and early teens.

I'm also very careful of what I let him watch on TV. Mostly I just buy DVD's about nature. Shinya usually sends me a list of new books he thinks might be suitable for reading to Kyo. Toshiya and Die suggest the most harmless movies. So, somehow I still manage to cope with all of it.

At five I finally leave Kyo alone in the living room to watch a program about eagles and leave to my study to do some paper work. But it lasts only for less than two hours. At around seven I take Kyo and head to the kitchen. I have to prepare supper.

We eat in silence again. Then I take Kyo to the toilet. Next, I take him to the bathroom and prepare him for the night. I put his pajama on, clean his teeth and wash his face, comb his disheveled hair, apply some moisture for his dry skin on hands.

When I put him to bed, it's almost 9 o'clock.

As soon as Kyo puts his head on the pillow, he closes his eyes and relaxes. I draw the curtains and a pleasant darkness envelops the room. Kyo looks so calm and happy while sleeping. I don't even notice how a gentle smile appears on my lips. I caress his head slowly and kiss his forehead very lightly.

"Good night, Kyo-kun."

I close the door of his room silently and head to my study. Now I still seriously have to do a lot of work tonight.

When I finally go to bed, it's almost 1 o'clock at night. As usual.

When I lay down, I feel my whole body aching from exhaustion. Even though I haven't done any real physical work, I'm still dead tired. And I don't have that much time to sleep again.

It's been a long day.

**TBC**


	10. Chapter 10

Alarm goes off and I tare my eyes open.

It's so fucking cold. I never really liked winter too much, but this year I hate it with all my heart.

I put on my thick robe and slippers and drag my heavy body to Kyo's room.

He's awake. As always.

"Morning" I make myself to utter the usual words and take him to the toilet.

To make up his bed. To get his clothes. To prepare the bathroom.

I head back to the toilet and take Kyo to the bathroom. I quickly undress myself and then undress him. My skin immediately gets goose bumps from cold. So did Kyo's. So I quickly drag him to the shower cabin and get in myself.

Hot shower helps a lot and when I'm no longer freezing, I start to wash Kyo up. I also shave his face in the shower as it's the most convenient way of doing that.

To put Kyo in the thick towel and finish washing off myself.

To dry Kyo's body and dress him. To dress myself. Head to the kitchen. Eat breakfast. Give Kyo his drugs.

The morning walk in the park. I dress him warmly and put something on myself. I feel better in the cold fresh air outside. It clears my mind a bit and I feel like I'm finally awake. My body doesn't feel so heavy and so numb anymore. At least for now.

Next: head back home, clean up a bit, prepare dinner and eat, give Kyo his drugs, work on writing music, read Kyo a book, work some more in the evening and finally prepare the supper.

I force the food down my throat even though I don't really feel hungry. It wouldn't be too good for Kyo if I dropped down from exhaustion and lost my consciousness. He'd starve to death if he was left alone.

I don't answer the missed calls on my cell. It's just my mother and Shinya. Nobody too important for me to care. And I don't feel like talking at all. I have nothing to say.

Nothing changed. Nothing good happened.

I support my head with my left hand and lower the chopsticks held in the right one.

Kyo is eating calmly, unaffected by anything at all.

"Yeah, it's all so easy for you…" I mumble and drop the chopsticks on the table. They make a little noise when they reach the surface of the table, but Kyo doesn't react at all.

"You know, Die and Toshiya are really fucking. Well, _they_ call it love, but _I_ call it fucking. The fucking that lasts for quite some time now. What do you think, huh? Do you think they'd last?"

I sip from my can of beer.

"Yeah, I know you'd say they'll last. I say they… shit, I actually have no idea! No fucking idea at all!"

I push my plate aside and finish my drink.

"Die and Toshiya… who would have thought… But you know, Shinya guessed right. They are together. Huh, _together_" I sneer at the word. "More like fucking as bunnies and bitching of how happy they are!"

I have to wash the dishes, so I stand up and go to the sink.

"Better hurry up with your recovery, Kyo, because Die and Toshiya are getting it too easy. Someone has to get on their nerves by smart-ass comments and other shit like that. You used to have a talent at making people mad with anger by just being you. If you _really_ wanted and put your heart to it."

Next stop – the toilet. Then bathroom. Then I have to make your bed for the night and dress you in pajama again.

Lie you down, tuck you in, turn off the lights.

Goodnight.

I drag my legs to the bathroom again and clean it up a bit. Then undress and hit the hay.

The softness and warmth of my sheets lulls me to sleep almost immediately. I feel like I'm in heaven. My whole body starts to disappear leaving me numb, but relaxed and totally happy.

-goodnight-

I jump from my drowsiness and blink for a moment.

Shit, I really forgot!

I get out of bed and almost run to his bedroom. I don't turn on the light, but it is not pitch-black as the streetlamps light the bedroom quite enough for me to see his face.

He is awake.

I drop to my knees and caress his cheek with my hand.

"I'm sorry, Kyo-kun" I whisper as gently as I can. "I'm sorry, I forgot to wish you goodnight. I'm just tired… exhausted, actually… I wanted to get into bed myself as soon as I could and I forgot… But it doesn't mean that I don't love you! No! I am just tired, so tired…"

My head drops down and hits the sheets of his bed, but my palm stays on his cheek.

I feel a knot in my throat tighten and blink trying to will the tears away.

My hand finally slides down his cheek and rests on his chest. I feel his chest rise and fall in regular intervals, his heart beating calmly under my palm.

Finally I manage to blink the tears away, even though the ugly knot in the throat stays.

"Goodnight, Kyo. Sweet dreams."

I lift my head and look him in the eyes – void of anything at all.

I kiss him on the forehead and stand up.

"Night, Kyo-kun."

He closes his eyes slowly and his face relaxes.

Now I can sleep as well.

I never can get enough of him. Sometimes it drives me insane. And today is one of those days.

Why the hell is he dead-tired namely on this day? Why the fuck wasn't he tired yesterday?

I sight loudly and he lifts his eyebrows questioningly, glancing at me for a moment.

"Are you really that horny, Die?" he asks. I send him a death glare. Would I be in so much pain if I wasn't?

He roles his eyes and puts his head down on the pillow.

"It's Friday night."

"So what?" he mumbles, the pillow silencing most of his voice.

"We're going to sleep at 10 on Friday night! And we're not even senile yet!"

He sights. Or at least I think the sound he just let out was a sight.

"Die, please, we had a hell of two weeks and FINALLY we're able to sleep as long as we want! I'm dead-tired, all I want is to sleep and I don't care even if it would be the New Year's night!"

"But I haven't touched you for almost three weeks! I'm going to burst if I won't get your ass right now!"

He's too tired to even snigger, so a parody of a smirk and smile marks his face. His hand disappears under the sheets and I soon feel it on my crotch.

"Fuck, Die, why on earth are you hard?" he asks and cracks open one eye.

"Stop being so fucking sexy and I'll be as cold as the ice queen!"

His hand disappears from my crotch and for a moment I think he fell asleep while talking to me. But then when I look at him, his both eyes stare back at me, clearly amused.

Oh, I so love his sneaky little smirk. His lips are perfection. When sometimes he is really amused by something, he doesn't part his lips, but still manages to smile widely and his eyes always shrivel into very thin lines. He looks so fucking gorgeous like that.

Toshiya – handsome and incredibly sexy. Witty and wild. But at the same time very emotional and kindhearted. Faithful, devoted and tender.

"Die, I also missed our fuck-till-you-drop nights, but tonight I'm already down and nobody even had to fuck me."

I laugh and try to put on my best sad puppy eyes I can manage in a state like I am now – horny and tired.

Toshiya sights and I can already see that he will give in. And really, I soon feel his hand back on my crotch. He slips his hand in my boxers and starts to stroke slowly. His eyes close again, but the smile stays on his lips.

I put my hand on his and help him in his quest by speeding up a bit and doing half of his job. But I don't need much time. I'm already so tired and spent that a few minutes do the trick. I come all over our hands.

"Happy now?" I hear Toshiya's sweet like honey voice and utter something in response.

I feel his hand disappear. He lazily grabs something from the table without even sitting up in bed and cleans his hand and then my cock with paper tissues. I'm already half asleep by the time his hand gets back at my side. Toshiya clutches my t-shirt with his hand and puts his head near my left shoulder.

I feel him breathing steadily and I know he's almost asleep as well.

"Totchi?" I mumble after gathering the last energy I have.

"Mmm?"

"Is there something we absolutely have to do tomorrow?"

"Nnnuh" he somehow pushes out the answer.

"Good."

I don't even change my position in bed, even though I'm lying on my back, my head touching Toshiya's head, and my hands just hanging by my sides quite uncomfortably.

"Night" I utter, but Toshiya doesn't answer anymore. The last thing I'm aware of is his muffled snores reaching my ears.

**TBC**

I tried separating the new scene, I hope it worked this time _


	11. Chapter 11

Die and Toshiya look at each other for the last time and Toshiya rings the bell at Kaoru's door. They wait, Toshiya fidgets nervously and Die rubs his lover's shoulder with his hand soothingly. They've never expected anything like this to happen. And they both were very worried.

The doors open suddenly and they see Kaoru. He looks worse than they imagined – pale, with bags under his eyes, thinner than he was when they last saw him four months ago. Things were as bad as they had imagined after they got an unexpected call from Kaoru yesterday.

"Hi guys, come in" Kaoru greeted them and stepped aside. Die dropped their bag on the floor as soon as they crossed the threshold. He saw another, smaller bag right beside the door. So Kaoru already had packed and apparently was already dressed up to go. He only needed his shoes and jacket.

"You don't know how much I appreciate your help. I'm really thankful for you for doing this…"

Toshiya nervously cleared his throat, his eyes scanning as much of the apartment as he could see.

"It's nothing, Kaoru. If it was so bad, you could have called us sooner."

"It's not bad!" Kaoru raised his voice so unexpectedly, that even Die flinched, and Toshiya seemed to shrink back from both of them. "It's… it has just gotten very hard to bear…"

He lowered his head ashamed of what he just said and Die sighted.

"You were alone in this for too long, Kaoru. You should have asked for help sooner. You've still got friends, you know? Even though we're busy, we still can find some time for you and especially Kyo."

"Yes, Die is absolutely right" Toshiya found his voice to agree, even though he saw that it wasn't helping Kaoru to feel better.

"I just want to get out of here" Kaoru whispered and tensed visibly. "I feel like I'm going mad myself. I need to get away from all of this…"

There was a tension in the air filled with silence. Die took his and Toshiya's bag and tried to lighten the mood.

"So tell us all we need to know and you can go. We're going to take good care of Kyo, don't worry."

Kaoru nodded and they followed him to the living room. Kyo was sitting by the window, starring at still colorless and cold scenery outside. Kaoru took a notebook from the table and showed it to his friends.

"I wrote here the most important things you need to know. The schedule of the day is also here. Most importantly, don't forget his drugs. He gets two pills a day. There's just one bottle, so you won't mix anything up. Just put the pill at his lips and he'll swallow it with water."

Die and Toshiya were nodding, showing that they understood all of what they were told.

"He always gets up at eight, so set the alarm, please. He might wet the bed if you won't take him to the toilet when he wakes up. The time of the meals is written in the notes. I've prepared and left for you some dishes, so you won't need to cook much. Kyo likes to listen while I read, so if you'll get bored, do that. Also…"

"It's ok, Kaoru, we know everything. And the notebook looks quite thick" Die interrupted him with a smile. "Don't worry so much."

Kaoru nodded, but looked as if he still was thinking if he forgot anything or not.

"He can't take care of himself after the toilet and in the shower, so please, be patient, but…"

"We won't leave him to rot in his excrements and stinking, Kaoru. We love Kyo as well as you do" Toshiya said silently and Kaoru nodded. It seemed as if he didn't think that showing his distrust in friends was insulting.

Kaoru thought for a few more moments still and put the notebook on the table. They went to the hall again and Kaoru dressed up. Toshiya's heart sank down a bit when he thought that Kaoru didn't even say goodbye to Kyo, didn't even glance at him before leaving the living room.

Kaoru took his bag and straightened up.

"Ok then, I'm off…"

Die nodded and smiled, but Toshiya just managed to make a grimace out of his smile. Things were even worse than he imagined.

"And please…" Kaoru hesitated for a second and looked at his friends. "Please, call me only if it's really very important. I want to forget everything at least for the weekend…"

"Of course" Die nodded.

"Thank you, guys… I really appreciate it." Kaoru said one more time and then he was gone.

Toshiya sighted as soon as the doors were closed. He watched as Die locked the doors and turned to him. He lifted his eyebrows in question, but Toshiya still looked very concerned.

"He'll be fine, Totchi, don't worry so much" he said, but Toshiya just wanted to shake his head. "He'll get this out of his system, have some rest and be back on track."

"You really think so?"

"Yeah…"

"I hope you're right, but…"

"Yeah, I know."

They were silent for a moment, both thinking about the same things. When Kaoru called and asked them if they could watch over Kyo for the weekend, they immediately asked what had happened. Kaoru would never leave Kyo's side unless it was urgent.

But after a long silence on the phone, Kaoru said that he desperately needed a break, he needed to escape the routine, because it was killing him. He couldn't take it anymore.

And it made them both worry. Worry was a too gentle word. They never thought Kaoru would willingly want to leave Kyo's side. But it happened and it scared them. Was Kaoru reaching his limit? Would he come back after hitting the clubs, fucking his brains out or just relaxing in some spa or whatever it was he was going to do? Or would he understand that after the freedom he got for the weekend, he wouldn't be able to come back to the same routine he had for so long? Would he even _want_ to go back to the hard life he now had with Kyo on his shoulders?

No wonder he didn't call Shinya, who perhaps was more suitable for this job. He was much more patient than Die and Toshiya together, but Shinya never wanted Kaoru to take Kyo home on the first hand. He was against all of this and to ask him to take care of Kyo for the weekend would prove to Shinya that he was right.

Toshiya and Die were shocked after Kaoru told them for the first time that he was taking Kyo home. They tried to reason with him, but they weren't that passionately against it as Shinya was. And to ask this from Kyo's sister… She had the power of making Kyo's parents change their minds. If she knew Kaoru had such big problems, she perhaps would reconsider this whole idea of Kaoru living with Kyo.

Of course, if Kaoru wouldn't change his mind himself now.

Die and Toshiya headed back to the living room in silence and unpacked their bag. They just had a few things and as soon they were done, they looked carefully through the notebook that Kaoru had left. There was a lot of information. Kaoru really did a good job of trying to make it easy for them.

"Well, what now?" Die asked, looking at Toshiya as soon as they finished flipping through the notes. Toshiya looked at the clock and shrugged.

"It's long past the time of supper. Kaoru forgot to tell us if Kyo had already eaten."

"Let's see it, then."

Toshiya came up to Kyo and took his hand carefully, but Kyo stood up and followed obediently. Feeling more confident, Toshiya led Kyo to the kitchen and sat him at the table.

"Let's see what Kaoru had left us" Die said, already looking inside the fridge.

"Kyo has to go to bed soon" Toshiya said, looking at the clock again. "What will we do then?"

Die turned to look at Toshiya and grinned.

"Well, you know, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow, so we should do something appropriate for this occasion."

Toshiya blushed very slightly and quickly glanced at Kyo.

"I don't think it's really a good idea" he said hesitantly. "And Kaoru wouldn't be too happy to know what we were doing on his bed, even if Kyo'd be in another room."

"We'll discuss this later again" Die winked.

Toshiya laughed and went to help him to take out the plates and food. He hesitated when he put the plate with food in front of Kyo.

"Just put his hand on the fork, Totchi, you've seen Kaoru do that. Kyo will get the hint."

Toshiya took Kyo's right arm and put it on the fork. Kyo slowly took the fork and started lifting it, but his fingers loosened and the fork fell down with a clatter on the table. Toshiya looked puzzled at Die and tried again. The same happened the second time. For the third time Kyo didn't even take the fork anymore.

"Maybe he really ate already?" Die mused loudly.

"Perhaps" Toshiya agreed, but didn't really like it. He didn't want to send Kyo to bed with an empty stomach. They ate glancing at Kyo from time to time, but even if Kyo's hand was on the fork, he didn't eat.

"Kaoru really takes good care of Kyo. Kyo looks so healthy. I wish Kaoru would recover from this little setback and wouldn't abandon Kyo now…"

"Totchi, let's just not play the guessing game, ok? We'll soon see for ourselves. I wish I could say that he'd never do that, but the state he is in… It's not very optimistic…"

They finished eating mostly in silence and Toshiya volunteered to take Kyo to the bathroom and the shower. He felt really ashamed while undressing Kyo and looking at his naked body fully exposed to his eyes. But what could he do?

He helped Kyo in the shower cabin and turned on the water. Die soon appeared in the bathroom as well and looked at the scene. He didn't say anything, but Toshiya could see the sad shadow in his eyes. They washed Kyo in silence and dressed him in pajamas. Die guided Kyo to his room and laid him to bed.

"Well, that's it for today" he said and turned to look at Toshiya. "Should we wait for him to fall asleep?"

"No, I think there's no need. The notes don't say anything about that" Toshiya shrugged and looked at Kyo.

"Goodnight, Kyo" Toshiya smiled and turned off the lights.

They headed to Kaoru's bedroom and prepared to go to bed. They wanted to watch DVD and just relax. But as soon as they both were in bed, Die rolled over on Toshiya and started lazily kissing his chin and then neck. Toshiya giggled as he was quite ticklish.

"Come on, Die, are we really gonna do this in Kaoru's bed?"

"Consider this as sex in an unexpected place" Die breathed out his words and hot air hit Toshiya's neck. Toshiya held his breath for a moment and closed his eyes. Die's skilful fingers were already roaming all over his body wherever they could reach and Toshiya relaxed, feeling the need already gathering in his lower body.

"Mmm… feels so good…"

Die, encouraged by this, threw the blanket aside and took off Toshiya's boxers. He loved his lover's body. It always gave him so much pleasure. For a moment his eyes stopped on Toshiya's cock and Die remembered nude Kyo in the bathroom, helplessly standing on the cold tiles and waiting for anything that would come his way, unable to resist at all.

"What's wrong?" Toshiya asked noticing the sudden expression on Die's face and touched his lover's cheek. The feeling made Die snap out and he looked down at his lover.

"Your eyes darkened so much suddenly" Toshiya said, looking with concerned eyes at him.

"It's nothing. I'm fine."

There was no need in upsetting Toshiya with the thoughts that they both voiced out already a number of times. There was no need to spoil the calm evening.

Die leaned down and kissed Toshiya's belly. It quivered at the touch and Die smiled.

"You're gorgeous" he whispered. _I love you_.

Though he never said it out loud. They never actually voiced it more than twice.

The first time was when they confessed their true feelings for each other trying to justify the need to be together, the need to kiss, the need to feel each others bodies. They were torturing each other by feeling that they both knew what kind of thoughts they truly had about each other, but were afraid to voice out. And when they finally couldn't bare the torture, they both broke down and told the three sweet words.

The second time was in a car, after their visit to the hospital, when they got to know the news that Kyo was not going to get better. When Kyo was found, the happiness was soon overpowered by the sorrow of the Kyo they saw in the hospital. And after the final cruel diagnosis the emotions were running high. Especially for Toshiya.

But to repeat it daily… neither of them saw any need for that. They knew the truth, but were too shy and proud to repeat it more than necessary.

This night their love games were tender and torturously sweet. After it all ended, Die fell on top of Toshiya without even removing his limp member from his lover, and laid there like that, a bit crushing Toshiya with his weight. His breathing was still ragged. Toshiya was lying on his stomach, breathing hard. He felt the weight of his lover on himself, felt the sweat and the rapidly rising and falling chest and smiled just a bit.

Their hands were intertwined and Die felt Toshiya squeeze his gently. Die kissed Toshiya's shoulder, but didn't move.

Suddenly they heard the door to the bedroom open. They were so shocked that they couldn't even move, just turn they huge eyes to that direction.

Has Kaoru changed his mind and got back home?

But they were even more surprised to see Kyo at the door. Kyo stepped in the room and headed right to the bed where Toshiya and Die were still lying – naked, panting, sweaty and still connected. Toshiya jumped so quickly that Die fell off him with a startle. Toshiya frantically gathered the sheets and covered them both as quickly as he could.

Kyo was already next to the bed. He climbed in and laid down just right next to Die. Then he closed his eyes and appeared as if he was already dozing.

Toshiya looked incredulously Die in the eyes and got out of bed. He motioned with his head to the bathroom and they both quickly got in there.

"Kaoru said Kyo doesn't do _anything_ on his own!" Toshiya squeaked panicking.

"Maybe walking doesn't count?" Die asked, but barely believed himself.

"I'm so ashamed!" Toshiya cried and hid his head in his hands.

"Totchi, Kyo doesn't understand anything…"

"As well as doesn't do anything on his own?" Toshiya shot back and that made Die shut up.

"What do we do?" Toshiya asked, finally looking Die in the eyes.

"We clean up and go back to sleep" Die shrugged. "Totchi, I don't really think he understood what he saw. If he saw anything at all, that is. Maybe he sleeps in the same bed as Kaoru and he was used to that. He came back to Kaoru's bedroom automatically."

"You might be right… Perhaps Kaoru always sleeps with Kyo, but didn't want to say anything to us for us not to get any unnecessary thoughts… So he put Kyo in the other room, but Kyo came back here on habit."

"Most likely story."

Toshiya nodded and sighed.

"Ok, let's clean up and go back to sleep."

They faced a dilemma of where to sleep when they got back as Kyo took up half of the bed. Finally they just found a futon and Die went to sleep on the ground next to the bed on Toshiya's side while Toshiya slept in bed next to Kyo.

When the alarm went off the next day, Kyo was already awake. Toshiya took him to the toilet and showered him while Die prepared breakfast. But they faced the same problem as in the previous evening. Kyo didn't eat. Not a little bite.

"We can't even give him medicine if he doesn't eat anything at all" Toshiya was already panicking and Die could just helplessly try making Kyo eat again.

Finally Die just took the fork himself and forced a bite in Kyo's mouth. For some time it worked, but after several forced bites Kyo just wouldn't open his mouth at all and if by some miracle Die managed to still force the food in, Kyo would just not swallow and the food would fall out of his mouth.

"Why doesn't he eat?" Toshiya almost cried in frustration. "Kaoru never said he had problems like this before!"

"That's because he didn't. He never mentioned anything like this at all."

"Maybe he doesn't say half of what he has to go through to any of us? Like with the sleeping in the same bed?"

"I don't know… Well, at least he ate some of it. We'll try an hour later."

But an hour later Kyo didn't swallow even the smallest bite. When the dinner time came, he refused the food again and even Die started to get really worried. They tried to make him eat for more than an hour, but the results were the same. Kyo didn't eat or drink anything at all.

When they finally gave in and took him to the living-room, Toshiya was already thinking of calling Kaoru.

"Totchi, I don't think it's so urgent. Kaoru really needs his rest and we'll handle this. We'll try to feed him an hour later."

"But what if he won't eat even then?"

Die sighted and rubbed his temples with his hand.

"Then we'll think of what to do. But we really should not call him. At least not now."

Toshiya sighted and turned the TV on, but as soon as they sat to watch it, Kyo suddenly stood up and started slowly walking out of the room. Die and Toshiya looked at each other confused and followed him.

Kyo strolled slowly to the direction of his room and stopped at the doorway. He fidgeted there for a moment then turned to Kaoru's study. When he was in, he sat in the armchair and leaned on one side.

Toshiya looked at Die with concern.

"Kaoru really said he doesn't even walk on his own anywhere. What does this all mean?"

"I don't know, Totchi" Die shrugged looking as confused and concerned as Toshiya was. "We just have to wait for Kaoru to get back and he'll hopefully explain it all."

The guys didn't have anything else to do than move to the study where Kyo now was. They didn't want to leave him alone. Die took one of Kaoru's guitars and entertained his lover with playing old Dir en grey melodies.

But after an hour or so they tried feeding Kyo again. Until the evening they managed to make Kyo eat a bit, but it was just a few forced bites and a half of glass of juice. Toshiya was not happy with this at all.

"I'm very worried" he said, looking at Kyo helplessly. They were still in Kaoru's study. Die suggested to try to feed Kyo there, but the results were the same.

"Kaoru's coming back tomorrow. Maybe Kyo will be so hungry tomorrow morning that we won't need to even try forcing the food down his throat."

"I hope so" Toshiya said. They were already exhausted from this day of trying to make Kyo eat and never leaving him out of sight. It was a hard job to do.

"Should we go to the living room now?" Toshiya suggested and Die nodded. He went up to Kyo and took his hand and to their relief Kyo obediently stood up and followed. But in the living-room he didn't sit down even though Die tried to make him. Kyo went up to the window and lingered there for a moment. Then turned around and started slowly walking around the room.

"I can't take this any more" Toshiya whimpered and sank down on the sofa. "He looks like a mindless zombie…"

"Because he is like one" Die said silently and Toshiya growled in frustration.

Kyo was already at the living-room's door. He headed to the kitchen and walked around there for a moment. Then went out and headed to Kaoru's study again. Then out of it and to Kaoru's bedroom. Die followed him for some time and Toshiya just sat in the living-room. His mobile was already in his hand. It was so tempting to call Kaoru.

This behavior was not normal. He was almost sure of it. Kyo hasn't eaten almost anything the whole day and was strolling around the room as if looking for something. If it was normal, Kaoru should have warned them about all of this.

"Hey!"

Toshiya almost dropped the phone startled unexpectedly. He looked up to see Die in the doorway.

"I laid him to bed and he seems to have calmed down. At least he's not walking around anymore"

"Did he fall asleep?"

Die shook his head.

"But I think we should go to the bedroom as well."

Toshiya nodded and stood up. He glanced at his mobile.

It was only 7:38 in the evening.

**TBC**

Thanks for those, who leave comments! ^^ I love comments a lot XD lol

3


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's note:** Sorry for the lack of updates _" I completely forgot to post new chapters until I got a review and remembered I didn't update this for a long time _" I hope I will be forgiven XD

One more thing. For some reason this site just won't let me separate new POV. Believe me, I do separate them! Every new scene or POV is separated by three little stars, but when I upload things here, all the distinctions are gone and I HATE it! This time I'll try putting the capital letters where the new scene or POV stars. I hope this will finally work, because this is getting really annoying and ridiculous :/

Anyways, hope you'll enjoy it :) And comments would be awesome! I love comments XD

I DROP THE BAG ON THE BACKSEET AND START THE CAR. I can't shake off the feeling of guilt for leaving Kyo for the weekend, but the need to get away is stronger. So I drive away to the other end of Tokyo, as far as I possibly can from my home and my problems, and from Kyo.

I just want to get wasted, get laid and forget everything in the world. At least for one weekend.

When I feel far enough from my apartment, I stop at the first decent-looking hotel and check in. I don't waist any time. I take my wallet and head for the closest bar where I am sure I would find the so called consummators working.

I have no time to go look for somebody to fuck. There is no guarantee that I will get laid in this way, so buying myself sex seems like the best way out of my problem. Even though it is not the most decent one.

I stop at a bar and go in. Immediately a girl comes up to me with a smile on her face. Yeah, I managed to find just the perfect place for myself.

She looks not bad, but not my taste at all. She is too tall and a foreigner. I'm not after an exotic chick tonight.

"Hey, handsome" she says, her Japanese clumsy, but easily comprehensible. "Would you like my company for a drink?"

I close the distance between us and stop, looking directly in her eyes. She immediately gets suspicious and steps back slightly, my presence too intimidating for her.

"I'm not here for a drink. I'm looking for a Japanese girl that would spend the whole night with me. Would there be anyone like this in here?"

She throws a nasty look to me and crosses her arms on her chest.

"It's not a whore house. We're here just to keep the men company, not to sell ourselves."

I nod showing my understanding and step closer to her again. I'm glad that the bar is full and everyone is busy, so nobody watches or listens to us.

"I know it's not that kind of place, but also I know that even in places like that there sometimes are girls who are willing to do anything to get more money. So that's why I'm asking for what I want. Because if there aren't girls like that, I don't want to waste my time here and go somewhere else instead."

She looks at me as if she was judging my true motives and licks her lips absentmindedly.

"How do I know that you're not a cop or some maniac?"

"I can show you my ID card. You can write down my address in case you're afraid that the girl wouldn't be coming back."

She looked at me intensely for a few more moments and finally nodded.

"Ok, wait here."

"Hey, wait!"

She looks back at me a bit irritated.

"I'd prefer somebody not taller than me and blond. Or…" I hesitate for a moment, thinking if I would dare to say this to a stranger. But she seemed not to recognize me at all. But I change my mind anyway. A girl would be just fine. And there were slim chances of here being a short blond guy available and willing to be fucked.

"No, that's all. Thank you."

She looks at me perhaps thinking if I was right in my mind, but finally turns back and disappears somewhere in the back of the bar. I come up to the bartender and order myself beer. But I manage to drink only some of it when the foreigner comes back with a girl.

Perfect. She's short and she's blond. And not ugly in the face at all.

"Here's the man I was talking about" the foreigner says and the girl beside her eyes me and smiles sexily. "Be careful, ok?"

The girl nods and almost pushes the foreigner away. So I got a bitchy one. Cool. I don't want any setbacks tonight. All I want is to get drunk and fuck till I drop. A shy girl wouldn't be suitable for this plan.

"I'm Yoko" she says and sits beside me. "So you want the whole night? That desperate, aren't you?"

"Think whatever you want" I shot back at her, a bit irritated by her bluntness. "All I want is to fuck for the whole night."

She laughs loudly and leans closer to me. I can smell cigarettes on her and some very sweet cheap perfume.

"How much will I get for all of that?"

I tell her the sum I have thought off before and her eyebrows lift in surprise. Yeah, I know my offer is hard to resists. She's all mine now.

"We have a deal" she smiles sweetly, already almost ready to purr from excitement. Yeah, she loves money, no doubts about that anymore.

"Then let's go" I say and stand up. I leave money for the beer and we leave. She makes some stupid comment about the car and I tell her to shut up. I'm not usually that rude but I really don't want to know what's in her head. I only want a body, I don't need a personality attached to it. It would make me feel even worse for buying her love if I knew she had feelings and a life.

She purses her lips but does as she is told.

We stop shortly to buy alcohol and soon we're back at the hotel. I show her the money she will get and she smiles greedily.

"What do you want me to do?" she asks sweetly, trying to sound seductive. I look at her evaluating her appearance.

"Tie your hair on the top of your head in a knot so that it wouldn't hang all around you and let's get a drink."

She glances curiously at me hearing this strange request, but doesn't say anything and does as she is told. We sit at a table and drink beer for some time until I feel intoxicated enough and ready to touch her. I try not to think that I bought her for the night. I've never done this before, but I want to fuck so much that I just threw all my morals and cautions out the window.

She does a great job of pretending she enjoys everything I do to her. She moans and writhes under me as a good little girl and I come too fast the first time. She feels so nice, her wet pussy hot around my dick and I just can't hold in very long.

We smoke after that and lie in silence for some time until I get hard again. I try not to think that I get hard only because I think of Kyo. Only his naked body in front of my eyes makes me hard and needy. I barely register the girl's presence under me. I crush her with my weight, but I only see her small shoulders and her blond hair.

The sweat rolls down my forehead and irritates my eyes as I thrust into her quite roughly, as if being angry on her. My head spins a bit from the alcohol and soon her face skips my eyes and I can easily place Kyo's face on top of her.

"Fucking little shit" I grumble, putting my hands on her thighs and lifting them, giving my cock an even better access. I go deeper and the deeper I get in, the more frustrated I get.

I'd never get what I want. As much as I try, as hard and fast as I thrust, it doesn't give me the satisfaction I want. It frees my body from physical pain and tension, but my mind doesn't get clearer. It gets even muddier than it was before. It's not Kyo. It's not him. It never was and never be. It'll never be him under me, writhing, sweating and willing to take all I give.

Never.

"Fuck you, Kyo…" I grit my teeth and aim for exceptionally rough thrust. "Get out of my mind!"

I come so unexpectedly for myself that the legs I hold slip away and I drop on the body under me, panting heavily. For a moment all is still, but suddenly I feel a hand appear on my back and start carefully and a bit hesitantly stroking me as if to try to sooth me.

I blink in confusion and only then feel tears running down my cheeks. I blink and try to stop them, but for some time it doesn't help. My dick still inside her, her hand on my back. Her other hand on my hip.

I pull out and roll off her, take off the used condom and drop it on the ground next to the bed. I hear some movement and hear her light a cigarette. The smell of smoke hits my nostrils. When a cigarette appears near my lips I'm not surprised. I part my lips and she thrusts the cigarette between them.

For some time we lie like this in silence, sharing a cigarette and starring at the ceiling. The tears finally stop.

I feel her hand on me again. This time it's on my cock.

She strokes it lazily and I relax. I try to avoid even looking at her face. She keeps silent and I like it this way the best. I close my eyes and imagine that it's Kyo beside me, that it's his hand on my cock, pleasuring me, taking me in his mouth and sucking me very gently and very slowly. When I come, I see his unfocused, dead eyes and I shout out loud in frustration. The orgasm hits me, but my cry doesn't sound like from pleasure at all. I feel the tears in my eyes again.

I push her head roughly away and turn my back to her.

I can't do this. I can't even fuck without feeling pain anymore. I feel like I'm betraying him, cheating on him, hurting him, using him. I left him alone, abandoned him even if I promised him not to leave his side. I think these thoughts of him when the very state he is in now was caused by torture and rape. And here I am, getting off thinking about his body, his naked body in my shower, his helpless state, his total vulnerability and his whole little frame completely in my power.

"Go out now" I choke out the words to the girl. I never should have done such a stupidity. I never should have sunk so low as to buy a girl to fuck her. I'm a total looser and a total bastard.

"Are you sure?" I hear her ask. Her voice now doesn't sound arrogant or impertinent. She sounds… _concerned_? "It's still only five in the morning."

"Just go."

I don't want to see her more than necessary. I don't want the reason of my guilty conscious be around me.

I feel the bed shift and she stands up. I hear her go to the bathroom and shower. After some time she comes back and I hear her dress up and take the money. Then silence. She doesn't go yet, but stands still and perhaps looks at me, naked and curled up on the bed. Looking pathetic.

"Will you be alright?" I hear her silent voice. For a moment I want to tell her to fuck off. Take the money and go. Don't be kind with me! But then her concern arouses pain in my chest again and I feel tears gather in my eyes once more.

"I will" I finally whisper. "Thank you for your concern…"

Silence follows as she still stands not moving, perhaps hesitating and not wanting to go. But then finally I hear her steps and she opens and closes the door.

I finally am alone.

Sobs hit me so hard that for a second I can't even breathe. When I manage to calm down a bit, I stumble out of bed and find the rest of the alcohol on the floor. I sit at the bed, my back leaning on it, take the bottle and my cigarettes and drink until my body can't cope with the alcohol at all and I fall asleep right there on the floor.

I TRY TO CONCENTRATE ON THE ROAD, but it's very hard. After sleeping on the cold hard floor until late afternoon my whole body is sore and tired. Serves me right. I deserve the pain. And the head-splitting constant throbbing in my scull.

I never should have left Kyo. Not even for one night. I made promises to him and I broke them. And for what? So that I could fuck some chick for money?

I'm so disgusted with myself. I hope nobody will ever get to know about my shame. I don't deserve to be called the responsible one, the kind-hearted one. I'm so ashamed of myself right now.

But the only thing that I really regret is abandoning Kyo. His parents abandoned him. His mind left his body and he was robbed of his life so cruelly. And I wanted to take away the only thing he was left with – home. I doubted my decision, my promise to be with him and to take care of him. I considered leaving him and going back to my old life.

Old life. What a joke. We're never going to get our old life back. The life we had. And what else did I have? What else now was there for me without Kyo?

Nothing. I only had him. And I don't understand how I could even think of dropping him back in that institution.

Please find some kindness in your heart to forgive me, Kyo. I love you, I swear, I really do. I'll be stronger for you and I will never break down like this anymore. I'll do that for you.

I love you, Kyo. I really do. With all my heart.

**TBC**

Just some info: chapter 11 started on the 14th of February, 2007. So almost 7 months have passed since chapter 9.


	13. Chapter 13

- 2007 autumn, around the 11th of October -

SOMETIMES I THINK THAT TIME FLIES TOO QUICKLY.

It seems to be ages since Die and Toshiya told me that Kyo was walking on his own around the apartment, that he came to my bedroom to sleep and that he refused the food for the whole time I was gone.

I told them it was not the usual behavior, that it was something completely new. I got worried and excited at the same time myself. The moment they told me all of that, I took Kyo to the kitchen to try to make him eat, even if it was already late in the evening. And Kyo did eat. As usual. Nothing seemed to be different in my eyes.

And later nothing changed. I put him to bed in his room and he slept through the whole night. And in the morning I found him awake as always and ready for the new day.

He didn't walk on his own, he didn't come to my bedroom or my study. Sometimes I start to think that maybe I made it all up and Die and Toshiya never said these things happened. Was I so desperately waiting for some improvement that I started to imagine things on my own?

I even asked Die and Toshiya to repeat the same to me. I didn't want to think I was going crazy.

I put the plates on the table and sight. It's quite cold today, but sunny. The autumn this year is very unpleasant – for most of the time cold and rainy and windy. We have to skip a lot of walks with Kyo. I don't want him to get sick.

"The guys should show up soon, Kyo" I say and glance at Kyo. He's sitting at the table and starring out the window. Even if it's cold today, the sun shines brightly into the room and it feels a bit warmer and cozier.

"I don't really want all of this unnecessary commotion myself, but Shinya would kill me if I didn't want to celebrate the success of the new album of Yoshiki's band. The music I wrote for all the songs was perfect. Or so all the reviews say."

I shrug, but still feel proud remembering this.

"I know the album was released like…" I count in my head. "Yeah, like more than four months ago, but it's just now that we finally managed to adjust the time that would be suitable for everyone. Die and Toshiya had a lot of shows and tours with their band."

I look around and make sure it's all spotless and perfect.

"And I think I told you your sister's coming as well. She's been neglecting you a bit recently, but you can't blame her. She's got a boyfriend now and I think she really wants to make sure the man is not going to run away from her."

I can't help but chuckle. The way she was talking to me about him seemed as if she was plotting a plan of how to make that man to fall head over heels in love with her. She really wants to get married to him. But from what she told me, I think he's already in love with her. After all, she's beautiful and intelligent. Who wouldn't fall for her?

"And as she's new at her job, she gets extra work from others. It always happens to the newbies…"

The doorbell interrupts me and I smile at Kyo.

"The guys are here."

Later we all sit at the table. Toshiya and Die in front of me and Kyo. Shinya on my right. Kyo's sister next to Die. The sun still shines through the window directly in my face, but as there's nowhere to move, I try to ignore it.

"Do you have any plans for Christmas?" Shinya asks me silently and the others glance curiously at me. I shrug.

"It's just me and Kyo this year, I guess. But I don't mind."

"I'm really sorry I can't join you, but I'll be going to meet the parents of my boyfriend, so I can't invite you for Christmas or New Year" Kyo's sister says as if feeling she has to say why she will not be here.

"It's ok. We'll be fine, won't we, Kyo?" I look at him and smile. Kyo's not eating for some reason, but is starring at me. Odd. He rarely does that. "Aren't you hungry, Kyo?"

I put his hand on the fork again, but it remains still and the fork untouched.

"I guess it's the first time we're having dinner in such a big company. Maybe he's just nervous."

"Don't worry, Kyo!" Toshiya laughs. "It's just your ex-band members! No need to be shy as we already know all your secrets!"

Die laughs a bit along with me and his sister smiles as well. It's odd how we all can relax and joke around in a situation like this. But I'm happy they accept Kyo the way he is now and didn't turn their backs on him.

"Kaoru, if you'd like, you and Kyo are welcome at my place. We're spending this New Year at home and would be glad to have you and Kyo with us."

Shinya and his fiancée. I don't know if I really want to do that. To watch all the love in the air around them. To see the happy couple in love and in the process of becoming a real family.

"Thank you, Shinya, but I don't know yet. It's still a lot of time."

"Well, the way we meet once every few months, I wanted to ask you in person in advance. Just have in mind that you both are welcome."

"Thanks, Shin."

I glance at Kyo and he is still starring at me. I now know for sure that it's really me he is looking at. His eyes are fixed on my face and it's really very odd. I put my hand on his forehead to check if maybe he has a fever.

"What's wrong?" I hear Die ask and I shrug.

"I don't know. He usually never stares at me like that. Actually, he only stares at things, not at people. Preferably at things that don't move. And he has never before denied food. At least as long as I was with him. He always has a good appetite."

My hand falls from his forehead on his right cheek and I caress it gently with my thumb.

"Are you ok, Kyo-kun?"

He still stares at me and I start to feel anxious.

"Maybe it's really just because of the crowd" his sister says, looking at Kyo as well. "He spends so much time with only you, Kaoru-san, that four extra people must seem like a crowd to him."

I nod and take my hand off his cheek. She might be right. Kyo is really spending too much time in my company. It's always just the two of us. But on the other hand, we always take a walk and go shopping and there sure as hell are tens and hundreds of other people in the streets.

I just don't know what to think of this.

"And what about you two?" Shinya asks Die and Toshiya. "What are your plans for Christmas?"

Toshiya nervously glances at Kyo's sister and I understand that he doesn't want to reveal all the plans because she doesn't know they are an item. Die clears his throat and I see Shinya blush a little, perhaps catching the mistake he's done. But he remains calm and the girl is clueless to any possible meaning between the lines.

"We're both staying home this year" Die says. So - the holidays at home. "But we're going to visit those two during Christmas" Die nods at my and Kyo's direction.

"Thanks guys, I'm touched!" I laugh and can't keep the wide smile off my face. It's been a good and calm week and I'm really enjoying the company of my friends. It's been long since we all were at the same place together.

I glance at Kyo and narrow my eyes a bit, as the sun shines directly at my face. But as there's nowhere to move, I have to endure the annoying light directed at my face.

This time I get really worried. I don't even hear the chatter going at the table. All I can see is Kyo's face. Or, to be more exact, his eyes. He's looking at me and there's _something_ in his eyes… As if he's not only looking at me, but _seeing_ me. As if he really sees me.

I stare back at him, the smile vanished off my face and instead my mouth opened a bit in shock and surprise. Could I be imagining things? Could it be only my imagination going wild after so much time of waiting and expecting something, _anything_ to happen, for his condition to change?

"Kyo?" I utter, not really knowing what I want to ask or say. I notice that others fell silent and are watching us intently. Perhaps they also noticed the change in Kyo's eyes. I hope they did. I hope they can see the same I see. I hope I'm not just going crazy.

"Kyo, are you alright?" I ask, my voice shaky.

I see his eyes widen very slightly and this time I am sure he really sees me. His eyes are - I can't describe what I see. There's so much in his eyes. As if all the emotions in the world would have been put in this one look. But pain, so much pain, was the strongest, the only thing dominant in that look. I could only stare in shock as I saw _tears_ gathering in his eyes.

The world - everything - stopped for me. Nothing was important, people around us could as well have vanished as the only thing I saw at that moment was Kyo's face and the only thing I heard was Kyo's deep sharp breaths he was taking. His face, lit up with the rays of the sun, was so pure and looked so young, but so tired, so much in pain, so exhausted and so scared.

He slowly lifts his shaky hand, very slowly, and his fingers grab a hold of my sweater, grip it as hard as they can and he pushes his whole body closer to my one. Tears escape from his eyes and roll down his cheeks. But as the first ones escape, many others follow and he cries, cries so hard but not a sound escapes his lips, only the grip on my sweater becomes so hard that his knuckles turn white.

"Kaoru?" Kyo asks, as if not sure it's really me.

I have to blink to make sure that this dream will not disappear. But Kyo's really here, right next to me, sitting on a chair, gripping my sweater and starring at me with eyes full of tears. Did I _hear_ him? Did he really call me by my name?

I have no time to think about anything else as Kyo's whole body suddenly falls forward and he leans on my chest with all his weight. His head on my chest, his hand still gripping my sweater tightly, his tears soaking the fabric in no time.

He starts to weep, his sobs shaking his whole body with force. His sobs are loud, he almost chokes on them many times. But the grip on sweater only tightens.

Like in a surreal blurry nightmare I lift my hand and put it on his back. My hand is shaking, all I can do is stare down with my eyes wide at Kyo. Kyo, weeping bitter tears, clutching at my chest, crying his heart out in so much pain I have never seen in my life.

And my whole world turns upside down.

**TBC**

Originally the story should end here. When I had the idea of writing this story, I always saw it ending with Kyo having this one moment of clarity. He sees Kaoru's face lit up by light and it just clicks and he for a moment remembers everything and recognizes Kaoru.

Well, now, after I have written so much, I feel that it would be too cruel to leave both of them where they are now. So there's going to be more of the story, even though it's almost done now. The fic was very angsty and depressing, so some good news would be welcome even by me ^^

The story came to my mind somehow with this scene in the kitchen – Kyo sees Kaoru's face in sunlight, and something happens in his mind, he for a moment recognizes and remembers Kaoru. The scene might not have turned out exactly the same as I have imagined, but I still love it ^^ It was the cause for the whole story to be born ^^

I hope you're happy how the events have turned out in this chapter ^^ Some progress in Kyo's condition finally took place ^^ Yay! ^^

Umm… and of course comments, pretty please? ^^


	14. Chapter 14

"YES?"

"Hi, Kaoru-kun."

"Hey, Shinya."

"How is he?"

"The same."

"Same?" I hear a disappointment in his voice.

"Well, he's not talking to me. But sometimes it looks like he sees things, looks at them intently, but that's all. Though I can't be sure if I'm not imagining things sometimes…"

"The same…"

"…"

"…"

"Shinya, I told you I'd call if anything happens."

"I know, but… I was really hoping he'd recover…"

What can I say? I was hoping the same too. But it's been four days already and the incident in the kitchen as if has never happened. Though I cannot be sure about anything at all these days. I think sometimes he looks around as if he really sees the room and wonders in amazement where he is. But it can as well be my willful imagination. I'm not sure of anything myself.

"Kaoru, you seem… you seem to be too calm" Shinya says carefully.

"I just try to keep my expectations low, Shinya" I exhale the air I didn't know I was holding in. It's the truth. I might seem to be even indifferent, but I just try to live as we used to and see what happens. Others have gone crazy over what had happened, but I can't be so naïve. If Kyo is ever going to recover, it won't happen over one night.

"A little bit of happiness in your voice would do you good, Kaoru-kun…"

"You mean, would make _you_ feel less miserable" I correct him and the silence on the other end confirms me to be right.

"You just seem to be very indifferent over what had happened…"

I hold in all I want to say to Shinya. He's not trying to hurt me, he's just being honest with me and I know I've been acting weird for the past four days.

"Shinya, please, get off my back, ok? I'm just… I just don't want to keep my expectations high. The doctor said to just do the same that I was doing and if Kyo is already recovering, we'll see the results sooner or later."

"But what had happened is already huge! Kyo recognized you! After so much time!"

"Shinya, please, stop! Do you think I'm oblivious to that fact? Do you really? I can barely sleep, all I can think of is that perhaps things will be well soon! If I wouldn't hold back, I'd be mental already!"

Shinya keeps silent and I know I overdid it this time. He's just worried and I'm the only one who can say yeah, don't worry, we just had a chat with Kyo at the kitchen table and now are going to play chess with him. He has nowhere else to turn to, only me. But all I can say is the truth. And the truth, for now, is that Kyo's behavior has barely changed. I have to be patient. Because it's the time when I just can't fuck everything up.

"Sorry…" Shinya says finally and I sight. I don't want him apologize for nothing. "I haven't thought about it from your perspective…"

"Can you call Toshiya to tell there's no news this evening?" I ask. Toshiya's been calling me at least three times a day. Shinya tries not to be so intrusive and calls twice – in the morning and in the evening. And Kyo's sister calls whenever she can't endure the waiting anymore.

"Ok, I will."

Die also calls, but I'm not stupid. Of course there's always Tosihya by his side, listening to our conversation. I'll go crazy if they keep pressuring me this much. It's not healthy.

"Sleep well, Kaoru."

"You too, kid."

"Kid?" I hear him chuckle and can't help but smile myself a bit. This 'kid' is already twenty-nine years old. "Get some rest Kaoru, because you're getting delusional."

I can almost hear a smirk in his voice and smile myself.

"Say goodnight to Kyo for me, ok?"

"Sure. Bye, Shinya."

I hang up and put the phone on the table. Should I just turn it off? It's very tempting, but I can't. I know that Kyo's sister will be calling me first thing in the morning and she'll get hysterical if my phone's going to be turned off.

I head back to the living room and look for Kyo. He's sitting on the sofa, looking at the window. I warily close the distance between us and sit beside him. I put my hand on his smaller one and grasp his fingers in my palm.

Kyo flinches a bit and blinks twice. But his eyes remain fixed on the window.

"Shinya says goodnight, Kyo-kun" I say silently, as if afraid to break the spell. The moment seems to be so peaceful, so full of hope and happiness, that I'm afraid to ruin it.

Kyo does seem to be aware of surroundings sometimes. I know it's hard for me to be objective, but even I can't ignore some moments when Kyo really looks at things, as if seeing them for the first time and trying to find a suitable name for what he sees.

He reacts to my touch for the third time since that day. If flinching can be called a reaction. I think it can.

I hold his hand in mine for some time, looking at Kyo's face, but he doesn't turn to look at me.

"Let's go to sleep, Kyo. I don't know how about you, but I'm dead tired…"

I take him to the bathroom and go through the usual routine. Then help him change into his pajamas and lead him to his bedroom. When he is in his bed, I sit there for a moment, on his bed, just looking him in the face.

Kyo looks a bit tired. His eyes blink sleepily as if he would be fighting the need to close them and the need to stay awake. I caress his head and finally lean down to kiss him on the forehead.

"Goodnight, Kyo."

He immediately closes his eyes and his face relaxes.

I close the door behind me and go to have a cigarette. Die left me his and even though I managed not to smoke for some time now, I just can't handle the stress and need them badly at the moment.

It's still early when I climb in my bed. But I can't sleep even if I try. I hate the nights the most. I can't stop remembering that moment in the kitchen four days ago over and over again. I play it in my mind so many times that I start to think of the craziest scenarios.

Like, maybe Kyo just had one last moment of clarity and will now never again regain his sanity. Maybe he understands everything, but just can't speak to us and tell us how he feels. Maybe he doesn't want to get well. Maybe…

Too many of these thoughts. Stupid thoughts.

Desperate thoughts.

I can't think of any reason why would he recognize me one moment, and the other it would all be gone. His eyes would get back at being empty of anything at all. Was this some kind of torture for me? I was ecstatic that day. Kyo cried his eyes out and when he finally calmed down, I expected him to start talking to us, to hug and kiss and finally be happy.

But it didn't happen. He was the same – unresponsive and gone. As if the outburst of emotions never happened.

I'm happy I wasn't alone that day. I would surely now think that I imagined the entire thing.

But he recognized me… said my name… He seeked comfort in my arms… Now all I want is for him to recover. To have this moment of clarity again. To come back to us.

Because if he won't, I won't be able to bare it…

I DON'T REMEMBER LEAVING A CD ON. And so loudly on top of it all.

I open my eyes and blink, my mind still slow after being woken up so roughly and unexpectedly.

The screams.

They sound nothing like Kyo's screams in our songs. I've never heard such heart-tearing full of pain screams before.

I jump out of bed and practically run to his bedroom.

There was no CD on. It was Kyo. Kyo was screaming like there was no tomorrow.

I swing the door open and lunge at Kyo. He's lying in his bed, curled up, his head in his hands, his fingers intertwined in his hair, pulling them out so harsh that he already tore some strands out and now they were lying on the pillow next to his head.

I grab his hands and with some difficulty pull them out of his hair.

"Kyo! KYO! It's ok, you're not alone! You're safe!" I try to reach him, but he's still screaming. Tears are at his eyes, but the pain comes from his chest, tears are just the result of the immense power he puts into making his lungs produce such unearthly, animalistic sounds.

"Kyo, please, look at me!" I can barely control myself. I don't know what to do. He seems to be in so much pain and I can't take it away.

I grip his hands tighter and finally manage to tear them off his head. I take both of his hands in my one hand and grab his chin with the other. In this situation I can't be gentle. I force his head up in hopes that he'll somehow look at me.

"KYO! Please, look at me! It's me, Kaoru! Kyo, you're safe!"

But it seems that my entire endeavor is in wane. He screams like there was no tomorrow and I can't listen to it anymore. It tears my heart open and leaves it to bleed.

I force his head to my chest and let go of his hands. He immediately grabs my shirt on both sides and buries his head in my chest. He sobs and screams and chokes on the attempts to do both at the same time. His whole body shakes as if he was shocked with electricity. The spasms are weird and unnatural. His whole small frame shakes and cramps as if he was having some kind of seizure.

I hold him in my arms, keeping him pressed tightly to my chest and swing us back and forth in an attempt to sooth him.

"Please, calm down, Kyo. Please, you're ok, you're ok, nobody's going to harm you, I swear" I chant over and over again. It helps the panic in my chest subside a bit. It's been a long time since I was scared to death like this.

It was the middle of the night and Kyo was having a panic attack. Or at least that what I thought it was, because otherwise I have no idea what is this or what caused it. And most importantly, I don't know how to help him. I wish I could, I'd do anything, but for the moment all I can do is hold his body to my one and try to sooth him, to sooth his pain and his panic and his tremendous fair.

He seems to calm down a bit. At least he doesn't scream in that horrible voice anymore. He just wails and moans, the sounds muffled by my chest, but his grip on my shirt doesn't lighten even for a moment.

Suddenly the doorbell rings.

It takes some time to understand what the hell is going on.

Somebody is at my door.

I have no intentions at leaving Kyo right now. Who comes in the middle of the night anyway?

But after six rings, somebody knocks on the door and I hear very loud voices.

"Police! Open up!"

Police? What?

"Sir, open the door!"

Police?

I look down at Kyo, at his death grip on my shirt and his shaky form. I can't leave him now.

"OPEN UP THE DOOR!"

"Just a minute!" I shout back in frustration. Who knows, maybe if I won't answer, they'll break the door to get in.

Fucking neighbors. It must be them! They know I've got Kyo living with me! Why the fuck did they call the police? I didn't have a breakdown and started torturing him!

I gently try to take Kyo's hands off me, but as soon as I try to push him back, he clings to me tighter. I hear the knocking on the door again and with a heavy heart tear his hands off my waist using force. I make him lie on the bed and Kyo immediately whimpers loudly. When I go out of the room, I already hear him start to sob and moan with every minute louder.

I almost run to the door and open them. Immediately I am faced with two officers, both of them taller and much bulkier than me. They look at me with suspicion.

"We are sorry to bother you this late in the night, but we got a notice about a family row in your apartment."

Kyo's voice reaches the door and policemen freeze in their spot, listening for a moment.

"Sir, what is happening?" the other one asks looking at me. "We would like to enter."

I try to stay calm and not just shut the door in front of their faces.

"I am living with a sick person and he has a panic attack. He was screaming for quite some time earlier. I managed to calm him down before you came. I can't leave him alone, because he gets anxious immediately."

"Could we still come in and make sure that everything is fine?"

Even if they ask politely, I can barely force myself not to show them a middle finger and shut the door. I step aside and start heading back to Kyo's bedroom.

"I have no time for this" I mumble and enter Kyo's bedroom. Kyo's lying on his bed, still curled up and shivering, moaning and crying. I get back to the bed and sit beside him, putting a hand on his back and rubbing gently to provide at least some comfort. Kyo gets a bit more silent and his body becomes still the same moment my hand touches his back.

I look at the policemen who now were standing in the doorstep of Kyo's bedroom and eyeing the scene. I bite my tongue to prevent myself from any nasty comments. I don't need any problems with police. So I just wait for them so say something and finally get the hell out.

They look at Kyo for a moment and then one of them clears his throat.

"Do you need to take him to the hospital or will you handle this on your own, sir?"

"I'll contact his doctor first thing in the morning. This is nothing life-threatening."

I stare at them and I guess anger is clearly written all over my face as the other officer cringes in displeasure and turns to leave.

"We're sorry we bothered you, but we had to check the information we got. You never know when it might appear to be very serious."

I just nod waiting for them to go away at last.

"Goodnight, sir" the other one says and they're finally gone. I quickly go after them and lock the door, then get back to Kyo. These few seconds that I've been away makes Kyo anxious again and as I enter the room, I hear him whimpering again.

This time I take him in my arms and he gladly shifts his position, his head on my chest, his arms around my waist once more.

We sit like this for some time and I rock us back and forth in order to sooth him. He calms down noticeably after some time and becomes silent. We sit like this and I keep listening to his deep breathing. But his grip is still strong on my shirt. So he's still awake.

The silence is immense. In the middle of the night all is calm and it feels like we're in another world, where only the two of us exist. Nothing and nobody else.

I kiss him on the head gently and put my cheek on the top of his head. His hair tickles my skin, but it's a nice feeling. I feel like this is how we belong – together, so close to each other, with nobody else in the world around us. With Kyo, wanting, needing my presence. I know he needs me to survive, but I want to imagine he _wants_ me to be around him.

"Kaoru?"

I flinch startled. It was so unexpected. His weak, small voice in the silence of the night sounded harsh and loud.

I look down at him and see him looking up at me. His eyes are bewildered, scared, confused and vulnerable. I can't even grasp all emotions I see in them. His look grabs my heart and twists it harshly, making it crack and break, without any mercy.

I put my hand on his cheek and caress it very carefully and as gently as I can. I'm afraid to make even the smallest mistake.

"Yes, it's me, Kyo-kun. It's me."

He looks me in the eyes and I still see so much confusion in them. He's struggling with words and emotions. And he's struggling to understand what he sees.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Kyo. It's me, Kaoru. You're right, it's Kaoru."

"Kaoru…"

Involuntarily a sob escapes my mouth and I bite my lower lip to suppress any other cries that might want to get free.

Kyo recognizes me. He really does!

Even though it's as far as his mind goes. His eyes still look more like a scared animal's than of his once mischievous and full of life eyes he had.

"Kaoru… Kaoru… Kaoru… Kaoru…" Kyo chants and buries his head in my chest again.

I hold him close and keep still, afraid this moment would go away if I as much as move a muscle.

Kyo's voice gets weaker and weaker with time until it goes away altogether. After some more time his breathing becomes very calm and regular. I carefully move him away from me a bit and see that Kyo's really asleep. His face looks so calm and so relaxed.

Should I let him sleep here?

But there was no way in the world that I would fall asleep now. My mind was a mess. I wanted to cry and to laugh at the same time. And I didn't want to leave his side even for a moment.

I gently lift him in my arms and carry him to my bedroom. I put him on my bed and cover him with the blanket. He never even flinches. He's deep asleep now.

I glance at the clock. 2:47A.M.

The only thing I want to do now is sit by his side and watch him sleep.

I can't help but think about the future. The very morning that was soon to come. The day after that. The next week. The next month.

Would he really recover? Like, really recover? Talk to me, recognize me, his surroundings and other people?

My imagination goes wild and I try to think of how it all would be.

How Kyo would finally recover, would remember everything and everyone, would take his life in his hands.

What would happen then?

Would he move back to his house he has here in Tokyo? Would he get a job later and rearrange his life? Would he find a lover? Would he ever care about me at all?

My hand reaches for cigarettes, but stops in the middle of the motion. I'm not alone in the bedroom. No smoking when Kyo is around.

"Whatever happens, I just want you to be happy, Kyo…"

And when I voice it out, it becomes the only reality.

Whatever happens, whatever Kyo will decide to do, if he ever will be able to decide on his own, I will be happy with it. I will support him and help him as long as he will need my help. Nothing less, nothing more.

I lie down next to him and watch his face as he sleeps.

Many calls need to be done tomorrow. It's going to be another stressful day. A day full of waiting and expecting and hoping.

My breathing equalizes with Kyo's and it calms me down.

What I have now is real. The future is just one big vast unknown space that has no paths, no directions. All I can do now is enjoy these moments spent with Kyo. These moments that are still left for me. These moments that he is still here, right beside me.

Because in the end I don't think my biggest dream will come true.

I will not be able to decide for him if he fully recovers. He will decide what to eat, how to dress and when to go to sleep. He will decide if he wants to move out and forget I was babysitting him or stay and be loved by me.

But if it were for me, I would make him stay. If I could decide for him, Kyo would never leave my side.

**TBC **


	15. Chapter 15

**Title:** Blurry Days

**Author:** Mad_Stalin_69

**Chapters:** 15/?

**Rating:** PG-14 overall

**Warnings: **bad language, mentions of rape, ANGST, depression, mental illness and mentions of heterosexual relationship -_-"

**Pairings:** Kaoru & Kyo; Toshiya & Die;

**Summary:** The Kyo that came back was not the same. Nothing ever will be the same for him, for his family and for his friends. And nothing will ever be the same in Kaoru's life. Things have change for better or worse, but life has to go on nonetheless for everyone.

**Author's Comment:** Please be patient with this chapter ^^ It needs to be read slowly, not rushed… And whenever you see - it means there is a pause in speech/thought, so you should also do a pause at least for a moment ^^ Hope you will have enough patience with this chapter. So here we go… :)

- approximately a week later -

All is so silent.

I like it. It's calm, it's bright, it's peaceful, it's warm.

The voice that I love so much is close by me. As it always is.

I know this voice. I know it.

And I know that I should remember the face, but I can't. The face, if I look at it intensely, the face becomes familiar. Painfully familiar.

The face and the voice – they are not alike.

The face brings sadness with itself. The face - """"""

- """"""

- """""" there is something about the face that makes me sad, but I can't remember. And I don't want to remember, actually… If some images surface triggered by the face, it gets too painful, too hard to bear and I don't want that pain. No more of that pain.

- """"""

- """"""

- """"""

Oh, those pleasant, soft melodies. I love them so much. They fill my mind and I feel so - so happy. Those melodies - I remember them. Those melodies make me feel… they make me feel nostalgic. As if there is something I absolutely must remember, because it was so wonderful, so glorious.

Those melodies I love so much.

- """"""

- """"""

The voice arouses me from my pleasant slumber. The melodies are gone.

The voice leads me somewhere and I follow. I always follow the voice I love. The voice I need.

Something bright irritates my eyes. But it is a bit cold. My skin feels like ice. It's cold to sit here.

I hear my beloved voice near me and it becomes warmer. I huddle up in the warmth.

It smells so nice. My stomach growls and cramps. But soon I feel the familiar cold metal under my fingers and I eat. It's so good, so tasty, so - yummy.

My beloved voice mixes with other, unknown voices. I feel somebody touching me, kissing me on my forehead, but all those touches are not familiar. Alien to me. Unwelcome.

I turn to look around slowly and I see the face I should recognize. I stare at the face, but as hard as I try I can't remember it. I can't. I feel sad whenever I see this face. So close to me.

I feel a touch. A touch on my cheek. Gentle touch and sweet voice.

The metal under my fingers reappears and I stuff myself with something a bit spicy, but delicious.

The voices mingle around me. I don't know them. I don't care about them at all.

Alien voices.

And my beloved voice right next beside me.

- """"""

- """"""

- """"""

It's warm and so cozy.

I snuggle into the embrace that welcomes me. It always welcomes me. And it's so nice to stay in those strong arms.

I hear the voice I love again. And then again.

- """"""

And again.

- """"""

I look up but instead of my beloved voice I see the face. That face again.

And I know I should remember it.

I look at the dark eyes, sharp lines of the cheekbones, curved nose, black hair, gentle look directed at me.

But… at the same time I hear the voice - """"""

The voice and the face? They are alike?

Can it be true?

Though… I know… I think I should know… _something_…

I stare at the face and from time to time the voice reaches my ears, but the face remains where it is.

There's a name - """""" at the tip of my tongue. There's something I _need_ to know, even though I don't want to remember.

I don't, because the face bears pain within itself.

But at the same time - """""" I know I should remember the face, because it is important.

Can it be - """"""

"Kaoru?"

The eyes widen and fill with emotions and I hear my beloved voice again. That voice, the same voice, so long ago saying things to me I never even thought were possible. Saying the words of affection to me. Looking at me desperately, pleadingly, then scared and nervous, but full of -

Love?

The voice and the face are - """""" alike?

"Kaoru?"

The voice irritates my ears because I can't understand it. The message underneath it doesn't reach me. But I want to understand. I want to understand all it says.

Was it important what he told me? Back then? So long ago?

Why is the voice I love so much intermingled with the face I'm afraid to remember?

Who is Kaoru?

Wetness on my cheeks proceeds to reaper and strange sounds escape my lips.

It's so painful -

Right here, right here where the hands touch me - """""" on my chest - """""" if only I could remember the things that were so important to me – the face that was so - """""" dear to me.

But I love the voice now. I love it so much that it's painful - """""" physically painful when it's not around me, when it's gone.

Gone was the voice for so long and I was alone. Alone and scared. And hurt. Constantly hurt, over and over and over again. In that place. Without anybody to help me, to make the pain go away, to make the tears go away, to make the humiliations go away -

- """"""

It's safe only here, in the embrace of my beloved voice.

I don't want to remember. I don't want to know who is the face I see and who is Kaoru, even though I know him. I _should_ know him. Kaoru – the name seems so familiar, so important to me, but - """"""

I can't quite grasp it. It slips through my fingers every time I try to shape it in my mind, to give it some kind of form that would be so familiar, so homey to me. Because I know it is.

I just can't remember.

- """"""

- """"""

To remember the face means - - - - - """""" """""" to remember something I want to erase from my mind permanently.

Why can't it only be the voice? Only the voice?

- """""" only he. And I.

"I'm scared…" I hear myself, as if my inner self escaped through my lips and it feels strange to taste myself on the lips. To taste _my_ voice in my mouth, roll it around with my tongue and let it escape.

"Don't be, don't be scared. You're safe, Kyo! You're safe here with me. Nobody will harm you ever again."

And I believe the voice. I really do.

I snuggle into the warmth even more and clutch my hands on the voice's body. It feels safe in there. And I don't want to leave. I want to stay here forever.

Even if the voice hurts me. The more I seek to recognize the voice, the more I seek to understand the words the voice is saying me, the more pain I feel. The more horrible images arise in my head. The more often I see somebody being tortured, somebody small and frail, somebody vulnerable and I know the same is going to happen to me. And I know if I keep pressuring and insisting on remembering the voice, understanding it, seeking voice's love, the more pain and torture would follow.

But - """"""

even if I am afraid - """""" scared to death

I need the voice beside me

I need it like air

I wouldn't be able to survive without its love

because all else is nothing - """"""

there is nothing if the voice ceases to exist

- """"""

Once it happened. Once the voice was gone and I was alone again. Alone in that place - """"""

I hear heartrending sobs, screams, wails, cries - """"""

All is painful.

All is sad – so sad, so hopeless, so dark - """"""

And just the voice I love so much helps me to surface from that darkness and pain and hopelessness and fear and heartrending wails and cries and sobs and - """"""

and I'm afraid to let the voice go. So I get a strong grip on it and not let go.

Ever.

I will never let him go.

**TBC**

I want to explain the - """""" a bit more now :P This - """""" means that there is a gap in the trail of thought, a space filled of emptiness and absence of any thoughts and feelings, etc. - """""" helps to show (at least I hope it does) how the mind works, and how often it is void of anything at all.

At least I hope you can see the distinction, because for some reason all my efforts to distinguish new thoughts are completely ruined :/

And sorry for abandoning this story for so long… Only because people comment from time to time reminds me that I have to update. But honestly, because something is being done to the text each time I post, I have very little patience to deal with that usually _

Anyways, comments would be so lovely! ^^


	16. Chapter 16

NB: new paragraphs and thoughts are distinguished by underlining and bold capital letters (hope this will finally work)!

**- THE 16 OF FEBRUARY, 2008 -**

I put the cake on the table in front of him and he looks at it with a little bit of curiosity in his eyes. But he doesn't smile.

It's very hard to make him smile and so far I barely succeeded. Kyo doesn't smile. Not anymore.

"Don't you like it, Kyo?"

"I do…"

"Well then what's the matter? You should cheer up a bit, it's your birthday today!"

He stares at the cake intently and seems to be thinking about something. I let him think. Sometimes it takes a lot of time for him to come up with the answer. If he understands the question at all in the first place.

"How old am I today?" he finally asks.

"You're 32, Kyo."

His thoughtful face becomes from serious to a face of a broken man.

"32?"

His eyes are fixed on the cake, but he doesn't really see it.

"I don't remember… I mean… when did I…"

"You've been gone for more than a year, Kyo" I say as gently as I can, even though you can't wrap this horrible truth in any pleasant voice. "And you've been back for three years now. So… it's been almost five years since… since that happened."

Kyo's hand spasms for a second and he clenches his fingers into a fist.

But he doesn't say anything. He doesn't speak much now.

"Sorry, I completely forgot the candles. I thought I had them somewhere at home. But I don't so…"

"It's ok" Kyo interrupts me and I fall silent. I take the plates out and put them on the kitchen table. I cut the cake and put a piece for him and myself. Then prepare the tea still in silence.

It's weird not to always talk to him. I was used to constantly talk to Kyo, but now… now it's silence between us most of the time. It breaks my heart to see him suffer. And there's nothing I can do to help him.

"Are you sure you don't want to call at least your sister? She wanted to come over today so much. You shouldn't hide from her. Especially on your birthday."

Kyo shakes his head slightly, but doesn't say anything.

"Toshiya also got very disappointed when I said that he and Die can't come to wish you happy birthday."

"Is he a five year old or what?" Kyo says with so much spite in his voice that I fall silent. Kyo said he didn't want anyone today. He made me to make something up so that nobody would come over. And seeing the mood he was in, I couldn't refuse his request.

"I want candles after all."

"What?" for a moment I really don't know what he's talking about.

"Candles. On the cake. I want them."

"But there are no candles at home."

"Then go buy some."

I stare at him for a moment.

"Okaaay... We have to change and…"

"No" he interrupts me again. "I'm not going. You go alone."

"But Kyo…"

"I can stay for half an hour at home alone. I won't need you to wipe my ass anytime soon."

His words stab my heart painfully, but somehow I manage to get a grip on myself and stand up and nod more to myself than to him.

"OK, I'll soon be back."

I don't want to leave him alone. I've never up until now left him alone. But he can take care of himself now. And if he wants candles… I will get them for him.

I step outside the apartment and hurry down the hall. Even if Kyo is fine on his own more or less, there's no need to take more time than necessary.

**THIRTY TWO? **

When did I become from a twenty-seven year old guy to a thirty-two year old man?

Almost five years.

Five years.

I look at the cake Kaoru has baked me today and I want to cry. Tears stuck in my throat and I try not to let them out.

Kaoru…

No… I can't go into those thoughts again. Not again.

He wants me to try to remember all the things I had to go through when I was gone. He thinks they will find the guy and sentence him to prison.

What for?

Will that bring the five years I lost back?

I don't think so.

Even if they find him and put him to jail, I won't feel any better.

If God exists, then devil exists as well. And it means heaven and hell do exist as well. So he will suffer sooner or later, burn in hell so to say.

But if there's no God… there's no life after we die. I'll just disappear and cease to exist… And he won't be punished. If there's no God, it means that I can do whatever I please and I will never ever be punished for anything.

So what's the point in wasting my time and suffering even more while telling all of what happened to me to people I don't know? If there's no God and no life after we die, I don't want to waist more of my time here on Earth by remembering those horrid days…

Kaoru can't understand that. He wants the guy to be caught and I can't care less.

I just… I can't go on… living like this…

When I sleep, all I dream about are these nightmares constructed from what I experienced. The nightmares never stop. They never let me sleep, get rest.

But when I'm awake…

I'm afraid, constantly afraid for my mind to leave me in darkness again.

I still have these empty moments that last for hours and hours… and I'm so scared that one time I just won't come back…

It drives me insane – this constant fear.

And the rest of it…

I can't look Kaoru in the eyes. He's been… he's been taking care of my empty body all this time… doing things that only one's mother could do to you and you wouldn't be ashamed.

How could he suffer living a life like that? Taking care of me like he did? I won't ever be able to repay him… ever…

I just… I'm just so tired…

I stand up slowly and take the knife from the table, clean its edges with a towel and look at the sharp blades.

It takes just one quick and strong thrust. Just put the knife on the left side of your throat and cut it open in one quick and strong movement and it's all done. I've had worse than that and this time I wouldn't even suffer too much.

Just maybe… maybe I should leave a note for Kaoru to explain that it's not his fault. I've been thinking about it for some time now and I've made up my mind. But Kaoru doesn't know about that of course. So I must tell him it's nothing he should feel guilty about.

I find a paper and a pen.

_Dear Kaoru, _

No, cross it out. Kaoru will be just fine.

_Kaoru, _

_This is nothing you should blame yourself about. It was my decision. _

Yes, totally my decision.

_I'm very tired. I have no will to go on living. And no purpose. _

Here, that should be fine.

Just maybe… he did so much for me, he brought me back… He's the only one who deserves respect from me and I want him to know that I'm very grateful to him even I never asked him any of his time and efforts. I never asked him to sacrifice so much of his life for me.

_Please, don't think of me as ungrateful… I'm very grateful for what you did for me… though I have never asked you to do so much for me, to sacrifice your life for the sake of my wellbeing… _

How can I put into words what I want him to know? What words should I use to make him understand how grateful I am, how happy that I have him?

_Don't blame yourself for what I did. There was nothing you could have done to stop me. Believe me, please. _

_Kaoru, you're the most important person for me right now. There's nobody in the world left for me except you. _

_Of course there's my little sis, who's engaged it appears and soon will get married and move out from my house to hers and have her own family. I would gladly leave my house to her and she can go on living there. But she said her lover wants to provide her their home himself… _

She stayed in my house for some time after she graduated, because it was cheaper for her and the house was not abandoned anymore while she lived there. She could have it for all I care.

_Or if she doesn't want the house, please, have it yourself, Kaoru. Live in it or sell it, I don't care. _

But it's not what I wanted to say. How quickly my thoughts wonder miles away until they leave me at all. It's the most scaring thing I have ever felt. It's easier for me to think than to talk now. Words often fail me.

_I love my little sis. And please tell Toshiya that I love him too. He's been a good friend. Die and Shinya as well. _

_But nobody has ever done for me so much as you did. _

My hand stops again. My handwriting is messy and hardly readable. I am at a loss for words again.

_I'm not stupid, Kaoru. Maybe I'm crazy, but not stupid. I know you must feel… you must have…_

How the fuck do I say this? What the hell do I know? I think he loves me. Why else would he sacrifice so much for my sake? But can I repay him? If he loves me the way I think, he would want all of me – body and soul.

And I don't think I'd ever be able to give him my body. He had it for all these years, but now… now I can't give it to him anymore. Not the way he wants it.

Even though he never even mentioned he wanted anything like that at all.

_I'm sorry Kaoru, I really don't want to hurt you like this, but… _

But what?

What?

I have a choice. I can live at least for him if not for anything else.

But how long will he let me be by his side? What will I do when I'll have to move out? What will happen then? Because if I won't be able to give him all he wants, I won't be able to repay him in the best way he must want, he will want me out. He will want to get his life back, to finally get a normal job, a lover and I won't have a place then in his flat.

My parents… the only thing they wanted to know was why I grew up to be gay.

I don't even know where they got this information from. But they came to see me a few weeks ago and talked to me about my bank accounts, my house, my car and my preferences in gender.

At least Kaoru didn't hear any of that. I asked him to give us privacy.

_Thank you, Kaoru-kun. Thank you. I…_

I love him. I do. But my love is heavily mixed with gratitude. And I always loved him as a friend. I came to love him as my only source of safety – the voice that followed me everywhere all the time.

But is it the love that Kaoru needs?

I don't know…

I hear the door being unlocked and I freeze to the spot.

He's back? This soon? How long was I standing here, with this piece of paper? Was my mind gone again for some time?

But I have no time to think about it. I glance around and throw the paper in the dustbin. I don't want Kaoru to see it.

It's too late now one way or the other. I will reconsider this again later.

When he steps in the kitchen again, I sit in my place and try not to look guilty. I don't even know anymore what I want to do. I feel so confused. And so scared.

"What did you do while I was gone?" he asks and smiles a bit. He's worried again. What did he see on my face? I glance down and see the knife too close to my hands. I know he left it near the sink when he went out. But did he remember that himself?

If he did, he acts like everything is fine. He takes the candles out and looks around for matches. I stand up and he glances at me questioningly.

"I'm tired. I'll go lie down."

I don't wait for Kaoru to say anything, to protest. I can't look him in the eyes right now. I can't take all of these emotions anymore. They tear my heart apart.

I want to die.

I want to live.

I want to love Kaoru madly.

I want to hate him he made my mind work normally again.

I just… I'm so confused… all the time… and at nights I get no peace at all, because nightmares never stop…

At least now Kaoru is always just right beside me. There's no point for me sleeping in my room. Kaoru has to run back and forth to sooth me all the time. So it's better we sleep in his bed, so that every time I have a panic attack triggered by a nightmare he's right there.

And it always helps.

It only takes Kaoru's voice, his arms, his embrace and the nightmares go away.

**I THROW THE CANDLES ON THE TABLE AND LOOK AROUND.** The knife wasn't here when I left. But maybe Kyo wanted to have some more cake? No, the cake seems untouched.

I sight and decide to clean up. It's Kyo's birthday today, but Kyo seems more than unwilling to celebrate. And I can't really blame him for that.

I put the cake in the fridge and wash the plates, pour the coffee in the sink and lean down to throw away the coffee-grounds in the dustbin. A paper with Kyo's writing immediately catches my eyes. I put the cup aside and take the paper and straighten it out.

It's very short, but with every line I read I don't want to believe it's real.

By the time I finish reading the short note, my hands are trembling badly. I clutch the paper in my hand and practically run to the bedroom, fling the door open and storm into the bedroom.

Kyo is in bed, cuddled up in a blanket, but not sleeping, just resting. When I burst into the bedroom like this, he turns his head to look at me in surprise, but as his eyes shift to the letter in my hand, Kyo's face becomes worried and even a bit scared.

I slowly approach the bed that used to be only mine for so many years and Kyo half sits, propping himself on the elbows, now seeming to be more irritated than nothing else.

"I want to rest, Kaoru. Can we not talk about this now?"

I really have to fight the urge to smack him. This is serious and he acts as if I want to talk to him about the unwashed dishes.

"No" I say through gritted teeth and Kyo glares at me. But I'm not afraid of his anger. Not right now.

"Kyo, this" I lift the paper to show him, "what is this?"

"It's nothing, forget it and just throw it away…"

"I can't and you know it! Were you really thinking of killing yourself? Are you still thinking about that?" I can barely keep my voice steady and not start shouting hysterically. I'm scared as hell. I didn't know he was feeling this way and I don't know how to deal with it. All I know is that I'd be devastated if after all this time of taking care of him in order to try to bring him back I succeeded only so that he could just kill himself later.

"When I was… at that place… I tried to kill myself so many times I have already lost the number. Kaoru, there was nothing I wanted more than to die… But… after my first two attempts it was made sure I wouldn't succeed. And I still tried even then…"

I listen to his story not really wanting to hear it. I knew that what he has gone through must have been unbearable, but to actually hear it… It's too much for me, too painful and I feel that my anger towards him is fading away with every word he says.

"I even tried to suffocate myself with a pillow" Kyo chuckles sadly, as if laughing from his own stupidity. "I tried hitting my head on the wall as hard as I could. I don't even remember now all the stupid things I tried…"

"Please, Kyo, just promise me that you won't do it again…" I plead in a silent voice. "You're ok now. Isn't there really anything at all that would make you want to live?"

The silence tears the wounds in my heart even wider and deeper. Kyo doesn't say anything at all for some time. I guess I'm not in his list of important things after all.

"I can't promise you that, Kaoru" Kyo says silently, not looking at me.

"Then you leave me no choice! I'm not going away from you even for a minute! I'm throwing away all sharp objects and anything that you could use! Even the chopstick and we'll eat with our hands from take-out as long as it is needed!"

"I could just jump out of the window, Kaoru. It's the sixth floor after all" Kyo says so calmly that it makes my skin grow cold.

"Then I'm taking you back to the mental institution! I'm telling them that you're suicidical and they'll put you in a straightjacket and lock you in a soft white room for your own safety! Do you want that, Kyo?"

Kyo looks at me finally, his eyes looking scared.

"I'm not bluffing, Kyo! If it will help you to stay alive, I will do it! You're going back even if I have to drag you there!"

Kyo looks really scared right now and I feel so bad for hurting him, but he leaves me no choice. The knife on the kitchen table now has a different meaning and I'm afraid even to think of what would have happened if I took more time in a shop.

"No…" Kyo shakes his head frantically and clutches the blanket in his grip tightly. He suddenly seems to be very scared. "Please, don't do this to me…"

His voice is so heavy with sadness that my determination practically goes away that same second I hear it. I can't hurt Kyo even if my intentions are the best. I just don't know what to do.

I come close to him and sit on the bed, take his face in my hand and force him to look at me.

"Then promise me that you will never again even think of… of killing yourself. Please, Kyo, promise me! Swear to me!"

Kyo nods his head frantically, tears are already wetting his cheeks, his eyes roam around the room but never stay fixed on my face. This is bad. He looks as if he'll soon be 'gone'.

"It's ok, Kyo, I'm not going to take you back there! I promise! Just tell me you'd never again try doing that! Please!"

Kyo nods very slightly, but that's enough for me now. I hug him and he gladly lets me embrace him. We stay like this for some time, Kyo's head on my chest, my hand on his back, the other in his hair.

I try to sooth him as much as I can, but the truth is, I'm so scared myself.

I might have lost him today. I might have lost him for good today and it would have been my fault despite whatever Kyo said in that letter.

"Kaoru?" I hear his muffled, weak voice.

"Yes?"

"Would you really do it? I mean, take me back to the institution?"

I sight and close my eyes for a moment.

"I would, because your safety and happiness is the most important thing now and if I can't provide you that, I would do all I could to ensure you were at least safe from harm."

Kyo keeps silent then again and I let him rest in my arms. He sometimes slips into these moments of vulnerability and at those times he doesn't care to look weak and dependant to me. And these are the only moments now left for me when I can be close to him physically.

"Why do you care so much, Kaoru?" he asks unexpectedly.

"Because I love you, Kyo. You've been my closest friend for years."

"But would friends sacrifice so much as you did? I've been a burden for so much time…"

"You've never been a burden" I immediately protest, even though it's not completely true. "I wouldn't have done that if I really couldn't bare it."

"Kaoru… I remember our last conversation before boarding the bus after the show…"

My whole body stiffens, but I try to be brave. I knew he would remember it sooner or later. I just wasn't sure he would ever address this issue now.

"It's… it's not important now, Kyo" I try to force my shaky voice to sound aloof. I don't want him to worry about my problems. If I'm in love with Kyo, it's not his problem. He has a lot of them on his own.

I feel Kyo's hands suddenly go up my sides and stay there, stroking my skin through the fabric of my shirt with his fingers.

"But I think it is" Kyo says and his voice sounds a bit hard to my ears.

"What do you want me to say, Kyo?" I feel desperate now, I just want him to forget this whole matter. At least for now.

"I want to know why you really took an unresponsive mental patient home with you."

"I told you - I just wanted to do everything I could to help you recover, Kyo."

"And to stare at the naked body of the object of your love? To grope me in the shower? To use me for your relief?"

I'm so shocked I can only stare down at him. Kyo should know me better than that! I've never done things like that! Never!

Kyo suddenly wriggles out of my arms and turns his back to me.

"I'm tired. Leave now. I want to take a nap."

I still sit on the bed, unable and unwilling to move.

"I won't try killing myself. I swear. Now be so kind and get the fuck out of the bedroom."

I stand up and manage to move my shaky legs. When I somehow reach the living-room, I sit down on the sofa.

I must remember what his doctor told me. Kyo's mind is still very unstable and fragile. He might behave strangely and unlikely to his old character. So this must be the most severe case of it. He must have said those things because of his condition, not because he really thought so.

But somehow… somehow I find it hard to believe that…

Kyo remembers my confession of feelings to him… And he is not stupid. He knows how many years I have taken care of him and only this fact itself suggests that I have deeper feelings than friendship for him. Because a mere friend wouldn't be able to do so much. Unless he had very strong feelings.

Like mine…

I take the cigarettes and inhale deeply. The fuck do I care that it's unhealthy to smoke! Not today!

I try not to think too much about it, but Kyo's letter in my hand burns my skin.

Kyo is finally recovering, but… but it is still hard, even if I don't have to do the usual things for him like washing and clothing him.

Kyo looks so sad and devastated all the time that it's hard to even look at him.

I'm now afraid to touch him. I don't know what's going on in his head. I don't want him to misinterpret my actions more than he apparently now already did. And it's very hard this way.

I actually miss the old days as horrible as it might sound. Well, I don't want them to ever return, of course not! I'm happy Kyo is recovering slowly but steadily. But… but I can't control anything now. Kyo acts as he pleases and soon he will be gone for good from my apartment.

And I hate it. Life without Kyo would be unbearable.

It _will_ be unbearable.

**KYO HASN'T TALKED TO KAORU** for the rest of the day and it bothered Kaoru a lot, but he let Kyo have his space. If Kyo didn't want to talk, then they didn't talk. It was as simple as that.

In the evening though Kyo's mother called to wish him happy birthday. Kaoru reluctantly watched Kyo's face while he was talking on the phone. Well, all Kyo said were short 'umm' and 'yeah' and 'no', but his face grew darker and darker with every minute spent on the phone. When he hung up barely saying goodbye, he went back to the bedroom and closed the door. He spent the reminder of the day alone.

When Kaoru that evening went to sleep, he just said goodnight, but got no answer. Though he was used to it. After Kyo started to recover, he became extremely unsocial and detached. He never smiled, barely talked and was very harsh with everyone.

So when they both were woken up by the phone ringing next morning, Kyo swore loudly and hid himself under the blanket. Kaoru still half sleepy answered the phone.

"Yeah?"

"Hey Kao! Happy birthday!" Toshiya's cheerful voice sounded in the end of the next line.

"Thanks, Totchi…"

Kaoru looked at the clock on the bedside table. It was already almost 10, so he couldn't really say anything for an early call.

"What are your plans for today?" Toshiya asked, sounding hopeful.

"I don't know… Nothing, perhaps…"

"Ahh, no! You can't ignore your birthday! We're coming to celebrate! I mean, me, Die and Shinya!"

"I don't know, Totchi, it's…"

"No no no! If Kyo didn't want guests, we yielded, but it's not Kyo's birthday anymore, so we're not going to accept any 'no's this time! See you at 6 in the evening, Kao! And don't worry about the food – we'll bring everything we'll need. Booze included! Bye!"

"No, Totchi! Hey!"

But it was too late – Toshiya already hung up.

Kaoru threw the phone back on the table and closed his eyes. Actually, he wasn't against the company – he welcomed it gladly – but Kyo was in no mood for guests and he was sure that nothing much changed since yesterday.

"What did he want?" Kyo's voice resounded in the silent bedroom and Kaoru opened his eyes.

"They're coming to celebrate my birthday in the evening."

Kaoru waited for some reaction from Kyo, but there wasn't any. He spent some more minutes in the bed and then got up. He needed to clean up. He didn't really expect guests, so some more tidying wouldn't do harm.

Kyo got out of the bedroom only several more hours later. He made himself sandwiches with ham and cheese, made a cup of coffee, took some chocolate muffins, some chips and some chocolate and resided in front of the TV. Kaoru looked skeptically at the amount of food, but didn't say anything.

Later Kaoru had to work for a bit and Kyo never showed up in his study. Kyo never now listened to Kaoru play. Actually, it seemed as if Kyo was avoiding Kaoru as much as possible. Kyo only needed Kaoru when he had panic attacks at night or sometimes during the day. Only at these moments Kyo welcomed Kaoru's touches and hugs. Otherwise it was as if Kyo never noticed Kaoru, even if Kaoru tried to do his best at making Kyo talk to him.

So because of this some company was welcome. Kaoru really missed some happiness in his life. Kyo was back and Kaoru lost him again. If he used to have Kyo's body, now he not only didn't have the Kyo that came back, but he also lost the soulless body he used to take care of all the time. And it was too much to bear for more times than Kaoru could handle.

Thus, when the doorbell rang and the company of his three ex-band mates burst into his hall, Kaoru gladly welcomed them.

"Here. Kaoru-kun, this is for you" Die thrust two bags with food and alcohol.

"Thanks" Kaoru smiled and took the bags. "Let's head to the kitchen for now. The guests nodded and followed Kaoru.

"Where is Kyo?" Shinya asked, looking around.

"He's in the bedroom" Kaoru said, trying to sound natural.

"Isn't he coming to join us?" Die inquired and Kaoru just shrugged absentmindedly, while taking out the products on the table. It had all he rarely ate now – pizzas, burgers, take-outs from restaurants and a lot of alcohol.

"Is everything all right, Kaoru?" Shinya asked. "Why we really couldn't come yesterday?"

"Kyo wasn't in the mood, I told you that already."

"Well, he can't say anything today, because it's your birthday, not his anymore" Toshiya grinned. "But we still brought him a present."

Kaoru smiled a bit, but the sadness was hard to hide.

"I'll go ask Kyo if he will join us" Shinya said, but still looked at Kaoru for permission.

"Just be patient with him, he doesn't choose the right words, don't be upset if he says something offensive."

Shinya nods and disappears in the corridor. The bedroom doors are closed and he knocks gently, then waits. When nobody answers, Shinya clears his throat.

"Kyo-kun, it's Shinya. Can I come in?"

There's more silence than before and Shinya decides to just enter the room. The first thing he sees is Kyo sitting on the bed with a laptop in his hands. Kyo doesn't look up when Shinya enters and this makes Shinya feel uncomfortable. He nears the bed slowly and sits on its edge.

"Hey" Shinya says and Kyo finally lifts his head, even though just very slightly. Shinya's heart fills with warmth and love for his friend – lost for so long and finally found. Shinya still can't get used to seeing Kyo as he and others don't visit Kyo very often. Kyo's condition is still unstable – he can easily get agitated, gets angry or panics easily, so they don't come often. It's better to leave Kyo in peace while he is still recovering.

"Would you come to join us? We're going to eat some unhealthy take-out and have some drinks. We would love to have you there."

"I can't drink."

"But why? You don't drink the usual drugs, only some tranquilizers to help you to sleep."

"Kaoru doesn't have a drop of alcohol here."

"Kyo, Die is also here! He made sure we'd have enough booze to make all of us drunk" Shinya smiles and is glad to see Kyo relaxing a bit and looking as if he would want to join.

"Kaoru will have a fit if I drink. I'm in no mood to argue with him."

"Don't worry, Kaoru is one against four, he won't win this time. We really want to have you with us, Kyo."

And to Shinya's joy, Kyo put the laptop aside and stood up. They go back to the kitchen and as soon as Shinya entered the kitchen with Kyo, it got very silent and all eyes were on them. Kyo ignored everyone and wanted to go to the table, but on his way he was faced with Toshiya, who hugged him tightly.

"I'm so happy to see you, Kyo!" Toshiya said, but his hug lasted just for a split second. Die nodded at Kyo's direction and Kyo answered the same.

At first it seemed that it was going to be a very tense party, but Toshiya took the initiative and they soon were talking. Well, all of them, except for Kyo, who was sitting at the table and just listening to all of them.

"Shin, is your wife still spoiling you or has she already turned into a strict controlling witch?" Die laughed and Shinya smiled a bit.

"I actually wish she was stricter with me, but she is very gentle and very caring" Shinya smiled proudly, obviously happy about his married life.

"Kyo, I told you we went to congratulate Shinya about a week after his marriage?" Kaoru asked, worried that Kyo would get upset being excluded from the events as important as this.

Kyo nodded, but didn't look up from his plate with a piece of pizza.

"I think it's about time for presents!" Toshiya announced as he pushed his plate aside. He was the first one to finish eating. Toshiya stood up and took a bag. He took out a box and extended it to Kaoru.

"Happy birthday Kao! It's from all of us!"

"Thanks" Kaoru smiled and took the box. He unwrapped it and looked inside. It was a nice expensive-looking wrist watch.

"Wow, thanks guys! It's cool!"

"You like it?" Die asked.

"Yeah, a lot!"

"Great!" Toshiya smiled. "Now, this one's for you, Kyo-kun."

Toshiya put the box in front of Kyo and Kyo slowly extended his hand and took it. He unwrapped it very slowly, even a bit reluctantly and glanced inside. There were black sunglasses and a set of jewelry with skulls.

"Thanks" Kyo murmured and pushed the box aside. Even though Toshiya tried not to show it, he was disappointed with the lack of enthusiasm and happiness in Kyo's voice. Shinya smiled lovingly and glanced at Kyo. It was just things. Kyo now found no value in material goods and he understood it too well.

"Aww, I am so full" Die said and leaned back in the chair. He hugged Toshiya with his one hand and took a bottle of beer with another. "It was a hard day at work."

Toshiya nodded and leaned in Die's embrace a bit. He looked at his lover and smiled. He loved Die's face, his big nose and gorgeous smile. At that moment Die looked back at Toshiya. He smiled to his lover and leaned down to quickly peck him on the lips.

Toshiya smiled widely and turned to look back at his friends, but the only thing his eyes settled upon was Kyo's surprised eyes.

"Err… haven't Kaoru told you, Kyo?" Toshiya asked trying to wriggle out of Die's embrace, but Die didn't let him escape his hug and Toshiya remained where he was – in Die's arms. When Kyo just stared back at both of them, he continued. "Me and Die are together."

Kyo shook his head very slightly and Toshiya smiled a bit.

"Well, me and this airhead are lovers for quite a long time now" Toshiya smiled a bit embarrassed and got a nudge from Die at the insult. He laughed and Die hugged him tighter and kissed him on the head this time.

"Why?" Kyo asked silently.

"What do you mean?" Die asked and Shinya and Kaoru looked at Kyo as well now.

"Why are you two together?"

"Well, because… you know…" Die thought with words not wanting to say the embarrassing 'because we love each other'.

"No, I don't" Kyo said sternly. "I don't see any reason why you two would all of a sudden start to fuck."

Toshiya lowered his eyes, feeling a bit insulted, but Die seemed not to take it to heart.

"Well, we not only fuck, Kyo. We work together, spend weekends together, go out together. We're like a normal couple, you know. Like you and that guy from the Taiyo No Ao times were."

Kyo's eyes furrowed immediately.

"How the fuck do you know about him?"

Die looked at Kaoru immediately and Kyo did that as well.

"Some guy gave an interview for the press while you were still missing. He clamed to be your ex. That's how your parents found out about your preferences in gender. Didn't they say anything to you about that?"

Kyo shook his head and Kaoru sighted. In a way he was glad that Kyo's parents didn't mention this yet, but he didn't really want to have a conversation about it so soon as well.

"Show him that newspaper, Kaoru" Shinya suggested and Kaoru sighted, but stood up. He kept some of the articles about Kyo and he definitely had that one. When Kyo looked at the picture of himself and the guy, his face immediately showed recognition.

"Ru-chan" he whispered and smiled very slightly.

"Ru-chan?" Die couldn't help but repeat. Kyo nodded and touched the guy's face in the photo.

"Yeah… His name was Kaoru and it felt weird if I called him that way, so instead I started calling him Ru-chan."

Silence fell in the room while Kyo still looked at the picture lovingly. Kaoru couldn't help but feel jealousy creep in his heart. There was so much affection in Kyo's face.

"Your parents weren't very happy after they saw this" Shinya said silently, knowing that Kyo will have to know this sooner or later.

"I know. They were very interested to know why I liked to have sex with guys, but didn't explain where they got this information from."

"Don't take to heart everything they say, Kyo" Kaoru said. "Your parents are quite old-fashioned and it's not a surprise they didn't like to learn this about you."

"Yeah, Kyo-kun, it's no big deal" Die agreed. He tightened his hug on Toshiya and kissed his forehead lightly. "You can't help who you fall in love with."

"Wow…" Shinya exclaimed so unexpectedly that everyone turned to look at him. Shinya blushed just very slightly at his own reaction.

"What's that supposed to mean, Shinya?" Toshiya asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

"It's nothing bad! It's just… I think it's the first time Die said he loves you in front of us. I was really starting to have doubts as to why the two of you are together."

Die looked embarrassed all of a sudden, but Toshiya's face lit up in a huge smile.

"Yeah, well… it's what we really feel towards each other and sometimes I think what I've done to deserve such happiness. Of course we have our disagreements and arguments, but we've been together for so long and we're still insanely happy together. Isn't that right, Die-kun?"

Die nodded, but still looked embarrassed. Toshiya was always better at expressing his emotions, especially in front of other people, so he let his lover do the talking.

Kyo suddenly stood up and turned to leave, leaving the article on the table.

"Will you be back, Kyo?" Toshiya asked, fearing that Kyo had enough of the company. He didn't want to let Kyo go so soon.

"I'm in no mood to watch the two of you slobber over at the table" Kyo grunted angrily.

Kaoru sighted, hearing this remark. He watched Kyo leave the room and turned to look at his friends. Toshiya's face looked a bit hurt, but Die and Shinya appeared to be only sad, but not offended.

"Is he always like this?" Die asked and Kaoru nodded.

"His doctor says not to pressure him and I really try. I give him space and let him do whatever he wants" Kaoru shrugs his shoulders. "I'm really happy he's recovering so steadily, so I'm not going to do anything that could upset him. And he has all the reasons in the world to be angry and upset."

"Did you ever talk with him about what had happened to him?" Shinya asked silently.

"Yeah… many times… But Kyo stubbornly refuses to say anything and refuses to give testimony to the police. He pretends he doesn't remember anything."

Kaoru sips from his bottle of beer and sights.

"In a way I understand him, but on the other hand… I really want the one who hurt him so much to be punished… From the nightmares he has I can only try to imagine what was done to him, but of one thing I am sure – it was really bad…"

They sit in silence for some time, all deep in their thoughts, until Die noisily throws his empty bottle in the dustbin and yawns loudly.

"Let's not be so negative! It's all in the past now. Kyo's recovering, he's back with us and it's more that we could have ever asked for."

Toshiya and Shinya nodded, but Kaoru has to bite his tongue to keep silent. Just yesterday Kyo thought of killing himself… He was far from total recovery. But Kaoru was there for him and he hoped that all Kyo needed was time and he'd be the same mischievous, happy guy he was once.

**TBC **

Comments are always more than welcome ^^


	17. Chapter 17

New thoughts are underlined and in bold ;)

**CHAPTER 17 **

**- 21****st**** of July, 2008 - **

One more boring day.

Kaoru is asleep, even though it's bright outside. He was working throughout the whole night and then dragged me to the meeting he had to attend in the morning. I would gladly not attend any of his work-related meetings, but after that unfortunate suicide incident he doesn't leave me alone at all. He gets mental if I try to keep my ground and persist on staying alone at home.

Today he dragged me to the meeting with the Yoshiki's band whom he writes music for. Shinya was also there. And even though it was not the first time they saw me after I started recovering, they still always eye me very curiously, as if I would start doing something crazy any minute.

Of course, they're all polite and nice, asking about how I am feeling and so on, but I'm not stupid. I can see that my presence makes them uncomfortable. They don't know how to talk to me. And I never look happy to be there. So today I also excused myself and went to the cafeteria in the same building to wait for Kaoru to be done with his job. He came down after a couple of hours and we headed home.

What the hell should I still do today?

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking for days. I had a lot of things to consider and I came up with a lot of questions for Kaoru. But I don't know if I really want the answers. Or actually, if I really need any answers.

I've met Shinya's wife. They came to visit me and Kaoru some months ago. She's nice. I can't say anything bad about her and I'm happy for Shinya. They showed me their wedding pictures, we had some drinks and talked late in the night. After they went away, Kaoru was ridiculous – he told me he was proud of me that I behaved myself so nicely with Shinya and his wife. I just ignored his stupid comment.

I asked Shinya and his wife all the questions I had for them: how they met, how they got engaged, how they decided to move in together and decorated the house, I wanted to know all about their wedding and their future plans, and all about Shinya's work with Yoshiki. I was surprised even myself that I was so interested to know everything. But Shinya was my friend and I missed a lot of years of his life.

As much as I knew about Shinya's life, I almost knew nothing about what have happened with Toshiya and Die. I have so many questions, but I cannot force myself to ask any of them. I can't stand seeing them together. And they both know it. My relationship with Die and Toshiya is very strained now. I'm just… I hate seeing them so happily in love. It was all so easy for them – they fell in love and they are together. It's as simple as that for them.

When I look back at all my past relationships, I had to acknowledge that none of them were happy. My beautiful girl I loved so much when I was still in Masquerade. I never thought she could ever leave me. But she did and I had the hardest time ever recovering after the shock and the pain. Then four meaningless relationships followed. I tried to make myself feel better by fucking with the girls I met and thought of them as attractive. But none of the four I sort of dated managed to make me happy.

Only after a lot of time I fell in love again and it happened to be a guy. I was insanely famous already and Ru-chan adored the ground I walked on. At first I found it amusing and decided I would let this guy spend time with me. But after one night everything turned upside-down. He kissed me and did me a blow job.

It took me some time to come with the terms of me liking that kind of stuff with the guy. But I just couldn't resist. Ru-chan was so naive, so kind and loved me so much. He taught me to understand that you fall in love with a person, not with gender. But Ru-chan was never just a rag under my feet. He wanted to be my lover, my equal and after some time he proved to be worth my respect. Ru-chan was actually one of a kind – I've never again met such a wonderful and good person. I was really infatuated with him. But not nearly as much as he was infatuated with me.

He would sometimes call me his God. In his eyes I was the most handsome man on Earth, the best singer in the world, the most funny and outgoing guy and sexy as no other living being. And I loved being adored.

But as usually happens in all the relationships, one of the two loves more than the other and Ru-chan was the one loving more. I found so much comfort in our relationship, I really fell in love with his personality, his looks and everything he was, but I was very afraid of somebody finding out about our relationship. And when I got to know that Ru-chan told his childhood friend about me, I panicked. For me it seemed as if it was a step to coming out. I was famous and if somebody would get to know about my relationship with a guy, it would soon spread to the public and be a threat not only to my personal happiness but also to the band's wellbeing.

So I left him and Ru-chan once again proved to be a better person than me. He said as long as it makes me happy, he will let me go.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I haven't left him. Would we still be together? Would he have suffered through the time while I was missing? Would he have done the same Kaoru did to help me recover?

I have no answers to these questions. And I never will. I dumped him a long time ago and everything changed. We're not the same as we were back then. So there's no way to guess.

Sometimes I want to contact him and ask him to meet me. But then I always change my mind. What would we talk about? He would feel awkward being around me and I wouldn't know what to tell him to justify my need of meeting him. And what if he still feels something for me? Would he think the meeting means anything?

Maybe sometime when I will finally totally recover, I would visit him. But now there's no point in doing that. I have actually nothing to tell him. I just want to see him and to make sure he is doing all right.

When Toshiya and Die come over, it's as if they rub their happiness at my face. I hate seeing them happy.

Kaoru doesn't say anything, but I see how disappointed he is whenever I say something harsh to any of them. I really try not to show my bitterness, but failed all the time up until now. But I know I will come over my jealousy of their happiness someday. After all, they're my friends. My close friends.

Kaoru is my friend as well. He was my friend, but now I'm not sure what he really is to me.

His confession back then, before all of that happened to me… I never suspected anything, that's why I was so shocked. I really didn't know what to say to him. Kaoru? Liked me more than a friend?

I never had the opportunity to think about it. Soon after that I was…

This is the only thing I completely despise to think about. It's enough I have to endure the nightmares that still feel so real. Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night and it's all so dark around me, I don't remember that I'm not back in that place anymore. And panic overtakes me. I feel hopelessness and fear so huge that it takes over my mind.

And if Kaoru wouldn't hug me, wouldn't start talking to me and soothing me in a gentle voice, I don't know if I'd be able to see where I really am until the light comes with the morning.

Only at moments like these I allow him to touch me.

What is he really thinking of me now? He's been doing everything for me. I hate to even think about it, but I know he was not only dressing me, feeding me and taking me for walks. He was showering me and scrubbing me everywhere, he was taking me to the toilet and wiping off my ass for me. He knows my body now as if it was his own.

And this makes me feel so ashamed.

I hate to accept the fact that Kaoru had this much power over me for so many years. In a way he even had more power over me than my kidnapper did. At least I tried to resist when I was locked in that place. While I was with Kaoru, I couldn't even say something against what was happening to me.

I know it's not Kaoru's fault, but this part really creeps me out.

But then when others talk about Kaoru and how he was taking care of me all that time, I can't do anything but admit that without Kaoru I'd still be a veggie even now. An unresponsive bag of meat and bones. A mental patient. And I can't even say Kaoru directly in the face how grateful I am for all that he's done for me.

I know what he expects from me, but I can't give him that. I can't become his lover. And I'm afraid to tell him that. Because if I did, he'd be very disappointed. I don't want to be the cause of his sadness. I don't want to hurt him.

Perhaps I should talk to him about everything that is bothering me, but I just don't have the guts to do that. At least not now.

And what is perhaps even more important is that I'm not sure how would I answer some of his questions. Mainly the ones concerning our future.

And it's all my little sister's fault.

When she visited me without her boyfriend for a change, she asked me one question that I've never before even considered.

We were sitting in the kitchen alone. Kaoru was working then still and couldn't let himself waist his precious time. So me and my sis were having coffee with cake and talking. I still couldn't use my own bank account until Kaoru was my official guardian. My doctor said for at least another six months situation wouldn't change. So I asked my sister to help me out. As my parents were able to take money from my account, they would take some money and transfer to my sister's account and then she would bring the cash to me. I wanted my own money back. After all, I at least wanted to be able to pay for what I bought when me and Kaoru were out. And I wanted new clothes, new CD's and other shit like that. If I even mention that I want anything, Kaoru would immediately buy me, but I feel bad whenever he spends his money on me.

My sis of course agreed to that, but then she looked at me concerned and asked: "Have you already considered what will you do after you move out from Kaoru's flat finally?" And at first I didn't even understand the question.

Move out? From Kaoru's place?

But then it clicked. Kaoru will loose the status of my official guardian in a matter of months. I'll be announced to be sane and healthy. I'll get the power of using my own money. And as I have my own house, I'll have to move back to it.

And at the moment I understood this, my world came crashing down.

I remember saying something back to her, something about there being still a lot of time until I'll have to think about it. And then I said to her I was feeling tired and wanted to go to bed. She just nodded and went out.

For the rest of the day I felt so miserable that Kaoru was extra annoying with the same 'are you really alright' questions. I wasn't alright. And I wasn't sure why.

It was just natural for me to move out. But somehow… somehow now I felt dependant on Kaoru. I couldn't imagine my life without him. My only source of safety was Kaoru. I don't know how I'd feel if he wasn't around me 24/7. Maybe in a way I felt like this because I still had panic attacks during the night. But still… it wasn't the only reason. It couldn't be. And it was bothering me a lot.

What would Kaoru say about all of this? Would he be happy to finally get rid of me? Would he feel relieved? Freed from the burden? Would he be happy he could finally live alone, find a lover and bring him or her back at his place for sex?

I wanted to know the answers, but I was scared to hear them. I was afraid he would answer 'yes' to every and each of them.

I snort angrily, suddenly feeling angry on Kaoru.

I never asked him to sacrifice his life for me, so why should I feel guilty or in debt for him? If I only wanted, I could do just fine on my own! And I can prove it!

I stand up abruptly and practically run to the hall. I put on my shoes and head out just like that – in my jeans and a t-shirt. It's hot as hell outside as it is the middle of the summer. I'll go for a walk alone. I want to go out alone at least for once, without Kaoru trailing behind me! I can cope with my life alone! I don't need him! I don't need him at all!

As soon as I leave the building, hot air hits my skin. It's a horribly hot day, but I don't care. I head to the streets and just go ahead. There are a lot of people around me as always. Streets in Tokyo are always busy.

At first I just walk forward, not really looking at anything at all. But my pace slows down with time and I start to look around. An uncomfortable thought strikes me. What if that man would suddenly appear in front of me? What would I do? No, what would _he_ do? Would he just grin like he always did and would drag me to his car and take me back to that place? And anyone around us wouldn't even look twice at the scene?

I stop abruptly and frantically start looking around. This thought has never crossed my mind during the everyday walks with Kaoru. But now I was alone. He could easily kidnap me again. What if he was following us all the time and just waited for the perfect opportunity? Like this one?

No. No. I'm just being ridiculous. Of course he's not here.

But maybe I should go back just in case… It wasn't the best idea after all… I shouldn't have gone out by myself.

I turn around and look at the view before me. All I see is people and alien streets. I look around for some time and with every minute my calmness starts fading away.

I don't think I know where I am… Or more importantly, I don't think I know how to get back home…

**I have to admit it. Kyo's not at home. **

I've searched every corner of my flat, but he's not here. And it's not like he could hide under the bed or in a cupboard.

I try to keep calm and think rationally.

Maybe while I was asleep somebody came over and went for a walk with Kyo? But would they have left without at least a note to me? I don't think so…

Did Kyo leave alone? Perhaps this was most probable. Kyo always complains how he hates the fact that I'm always around him, so he left somewhere, because he wanted his privacy and didn't leave a note of where he went because he didn't want for me to come there. And I'd do just that if I knew where he was.

But what if… what if something has actually happened to him? I have no idea what, but it was possible, wasn't it? And what should I do now? Wait? Go look for him? If yes, then where?

God, this is driving me crazy! If only I knew when he left! I'd know when I can start to really worry.

I decide to have my supper for now. Maybe Kyo just went to a shop and be back soon.

An hour passes slowly.

Another hour.

By the end of the third hour I can't find a place. I'm so worried I don't know what to do. I call Kyo's sister, but pretend I'm calling to just say hi while Kyo is asleep. She acts normal. Kyo's obviously not with her.

I do the same with Die and Toshiya. Then with Shin. Kyo's not there and I've run out of options. There's nobody else he could go to. Except his parents. But they live in Kyoto.

Where the hell is he?

Shit, I can't panic now. But when I glance at the clock and see that it's already eight in the evening, I can't force myself to remain calm. What if something bad happened to him?

I storm to the hall and already want to put my shoes on, but then stop in the middle of the process.

Kyo doesn't have keys to the flat. The only copy I have is still here, in the hall. What if he gets back when I'm out?

"Shit! Shit!"

I'm officially going crazy now. What if he'll disappear without a sight again?

No, I'm just being paranoid. No!

I kick the shoes away and head back to the living room. I pace there for some time impatiently waiting for Kyo to get back. But another ten minutes go by, then another ten, and another…

When the clock nears nine o'clock, I'm almost reduced to tears.

What should I do? Should I already call police? What if… what if really something bad happened to him?

But suddenly the doorbell disturbs my thoughts and I run to open the door.

"KYO!"

I can't help but shout out of joy seeing him at the doorstep. I want to lunge forward and hug him, but another person standing next to Kyo makes me not do that. It's a policeman.

"Good evening, sir" he greets politely. "Is mister Nishimura living with you?"

"Yes, yes he is."

Kyo looks at the ground all the time and doesn't even glance at me.

"Then I leave him to you, mister Niikura. I've done my job and brought him back home safely. Have a nice evening, sir."

He bows and disappears from my view. I look at Kyo still standing in front of the door and looking at the ground. I grab him by his elbow and drag him inside. As soon as the door closes behind us, I hug him with all the strength I have.

"Oh God, Kyo… I was so scared that something might have happened to you!"

I feel Kyo's hands go up my sides and grab a hold of my shirt tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Kaoru" he chokes out the words and I'm shocked to understand that he's crying. He's clinging tightly to me with his whole body that starts to gradually shake from tears.

"It's ok now, Kyo. Don't cry. I'm not angry, I was just worried."

I stroke his head as gently as I can, but Kyo's body still shakes from tears and he's still clinging to me.

"No, it's not all right…" he says, his voice shaking badly. I try to calm down myself. How can I sooth him if I myself am a mess?

"I'm sorry, Kaoru… I went for a walk and got lost… I was so scared that I'd never see you again…"

"Shh, it's all right now" I kiss him on the head gently and take him to the bedroom. I take off his shoes somehow while he's still holding on me, and lay him to bed. Kyo never lets go of me and I worry even more - Kyo's not having a panic attack, but he wants to keep physical contact with me.

"I'm so sorry, Kaoru… please… I was so… so scared…"

I hold him while he cries and sooth him, caressing him gently in my arms. He cries his eyes out until he finally falls asleep. I lie next to him, watching his face slowly sink in dark shadows of the night and finally the panic in my chest slowly goes away.

For a moment I thought I wouldn't see him again.

I've already forgotten how horrible this feeling was.

**TBC**

I'm sorry for not updating for so long. My laptop died a couple of months ago and I still haven't got a new one :( Sucks a lot :(

Anyways, thank you so much for all the comments you leave! 3 Means a lot to me! :)

I hope you liked this chapter ;)


	18. Chapter 18

New thoughts are underlined and in bold ;)

**Chapter 18**

**- Beginning of September - **

His behavior was very unusual. It's as if he had a secret and was very eager to share it with me. It was strange, because usually he didn't want to share anything with me. But whatever it was, it had to be only good. Kyo was almost smiling while looking at me during breakfast. Almost.

When I pushed the plate aside and took my cup of coffee, Kyo looked up at me and I knew I was soon going to get to know what was bothering him for the last several days.

"Are you done with eating?" he asks and I nod. But his plate is still half-full and Kyo catches my look. "I'm not very hungry this morning."

"Still, Kyo, you must eat. You barely touched anything."

Kyo makes a face but nibbles at his eggs and takes a few more bites. Then drinks the juice in one go and pushes the plate and the glass aside.

"We're going out now" he says.

"You want to go for a walk?"

"Sort of" he nods slightly and stands up. "I'll go get dressed. Finish your coffee quicker and change!"

He exits the kitchen and I sigh. He orders me around a lot but I don't mind. I've been making all the decisions for him for so long that he perhaps enjoys the power over his own life now more than ever.

I take a few more sips of coffee and go to the bedroom after Kyo. I'm too curious to linger for longer in the kitchen. I really want to know what Kyo has been hiding from me.

I find him in the bathroom cleaning his teeth. He's already dressed up, so I change as well and soon enough we walk out of the building. The day seems to be nice and quite warm. It's just the beginning of September, after all. Kyo turns to the direction of the car park and I follow a bit reluctantly.

"I thought you wanted to go for a walk. Do you want to go to some particular place?"

I see him nod, but Kyo doesn't say anything and I can only follow him. I unlock the car and throw my bag on the backseat, but Kyo remains standing at the back of the car. This is getting ridiculous. I can't read his mind. Either he tells me what is happening right now, or I'll force him to speak.

I turn to look at Kyo and see him almost smiling. The corners of his lips are lifted a bit, making his face look much gentler and calmer than usual.

"What is happening, Kyo?" I ask, though my question sounds more like a scolding to a naughty child than a voice of an irritated man.

"We're not taking this car, Kaoru. It's a peace of junk."

"Well I'm sorry if I can't afford a nice Ferrari or some other expensive nice-looking fancy car! I'm afraid you'll have to be satisfied with this peace of junk, Kyo."

"I want to ride in this car" Kyo says and points to the car on the left of my one. Yeah, nice ride. Actually, it's the God of all cars. It's a 311 km/h Nissan GTR. I'd be afraid to even touch it.

"When I'll be this rich that I could buy cars like that, I'll tell you. Now get in and let's go" I try to keep the irritation out of my voice, though I barely succeed. I could never let myself waste money like that. I'm really having a hard time with the job I have and the expenses I have to cover. The job pays well, but not well enough. I have to be careful of how I handle my finances and a new car, especially this car, is out of question.

But Kyo stubbornly stands still and just looks at me.

"No, I'm taking this one" he says. I open my mouth to say I am in no mood for nonsense like this, but Kyo is quicker. He suddenly throws something at me and I barely manage to catch it. I look down at my hand to see what the hell it was.

Keys. Car keys.

I look back at Kyo and Kyo smiles widely, barely keeping the joy in.

"Will you give me a ride in your new fancy car?" he asks and all I can do is stare at him. Then I turn to look at the red baby right next to my old peace of junk. I cannot believe it. The next second I find myself near the Nissan GTR, just looking it all over. It's brand new. Very shiny and looking very powerful. I extend a hand and touch it – smooth and cold. It's gorgeous.

Kyo laughs and I immediately turn my head to him, forgetting the car for a moment. Kyo has never laughed before. He hasn't laughed for ages.

"You should see yourself, Kaoru! Please remember that we're in a public place! Don't cum all over your new car!"

He continues laughing and leaves me even more shocked than before.

"Come on, open it! Get inside! You'll love it!" Kyo urges me, but I still hesitate.

"But Kyo… This car, it must have cost you a fortune!"

"It's my present for you, Kaoru" Kyo smiles, finally the laughter ceasing. "I wanted to give you something for a long time, but there never was anything worth you. I know this car is nothing compared to what you've given me, but at least it's a start. It's something I know you need and want. So… I wanted you to have it. You're worth the best that can be bought by money."

I look back at the car now with a bit clearer eyes. It's not just very expensive. It's super expensive. It must be.

"But Kyo, I can't take presents like that from you…"

"I'm not even going to listen to any bullshit like this!" Kyo snaps and I immediately see that he means it. I need to angle my questions in another way.

"Kyo, you'll need the money yourself. You've got no job and let's be realistic…" I swallow the knot in my throat and continue, but the voice is still a bit shaky. "You'll have a record of a severe mental illness in your health history… It might be very hard for you to get a good job. You need all the savings you have, Kyo. It's not that I don't love the car and your jest, but you have to think of yourself, Kyo."

He keeps silent throughout my whole little speech and when I finally fall silent, his face darkens even more.

"You don't like it?" he asks silently.

"No, Kyo, I love it! It's fantastic!"

"Then why don't you take it? I don't know what else I could give you…"

"Kyo, you don't need to give me anything!" I come closer to him and take his hands in mine. He's falling into sadness too quickly. He was laughing just a few moments ago.

"But I want to" he says and bows his head. I pray that he wouldn't start crying. I swore to do anything to not make him cry again and here I am, hurting him again without intending to do it.

"Kyo, please, understand that you don't owe me anything at all."

He shakes his head stubbornly and pulls his hands out of my grasp.

"But I do owe you, Kaoru. I feel so much in debt for you that I would never ever be able to repay you for what you've done for me. You practically saved my life, Kaoru! And I want to thank you somehow! Let me do this! Let me do something good for you and make you smile, Kaoru! Because you barely ever smile!"

I look at him astounded. I didn't notice I was so somber.

"But Kyo…"

"No!" Kyo screams so loud that I even flinch from the unexpectedness of it. His eyes are angry and determined, all sadness gone in an instant.

"This is my present for you, Kaoru, and you are taking it!"

I glance back at the car and feel that I can barely say anything back to him. First of all, it's what Kyo wants and I can't deny him anything he wants. Second, I really love the car. It's orgasmic!

"I knew you would love it!" Kyo says and I turn to look back at him. He's smiling again, all sadness gone from his face at all. "I was thinking of going somewhere – anywhere – as far as we can. Then have lunch at some cafeteria by the road and head even further."

"We need then clothes and toothbrushes and…"

Kyo interrupts me, clearly annoyed, but looking happy again.

"Forget all this bullshit, Kaoru! If we need anything, we'll buy it! Let's just relax! Forget everything! Let's hit the road and go where we please! You don't need to work now and I don't have anything to do at all! Let's head somewhere, just the two of us and let the whole fucking world go to hell! Let's escape from everything for as long as we please! Just you and me and this gorgeous beauty!"

This offer is too hard to resist. Even in my most optimistic dreams I never had such a wonderful picture – me, Kyo, a brand new car and total freedom.

Kyo smiles at me, takes my hand and practically drags me to my new car. He knows my answer already. I'm so emotional right now, that all I feel is written on my face and Kyo knows I already agreed to his little affair.

He takes my bag from my old car and locks it. Then throws the bag on the seat of the new car and sits in the passenger's seat. I follow him slowly, carefully looking around and trying to take in the beauty of the new car and the prospect of getting away from everyone and everything.

Kyo always was full of brilliant ideas.

And perhaps I really needed to get away.

When I turn the engine on, it purrs to me and Kyo smiles even wider. I guess I really look as if I could come all over this baby.

"Where do you want to go?" I ask Kyo and he looks at me, a small smile on his face.

"Let's head south. I think I'd love to visit Beppu hot water resort."

I nod and drive us out of the car park area. I don't even object to this idea, even if I know that Beppu is miles and miles away from Tokyo.

And as I look at Kyo's smile on his face and his relaxed posture in the seat, I have to admit that I don't give a fuck. I could drive even to the end of the world with him.

**The only thing Kaoru insisted on doing was calling Kyo's sister and telling her that he and Kyo are out of the city for some time.** What if she would drop by to visit Kyo by accident and wouldn't find them home? Kyo agreed, but after the call he turned off Kaoru's cell and took out the battery despite Kaoru's protests.

"Just the two of us and no annoying interruptions" Kyo grinned and hid the battery in the pocket of his jacket.

They were driving for many hours until hunger made them find some place to eat. By then, they were already out of the city. They had their lunch outside a cozy restaurant even though it was slightly cold outside.

"I want to spend the night in Nara" Kyo says with his mouth full, looking at Kaoru hopefully.

"Sure" Kaoru smiles at Kyo. He still felt it was very abrupt and immature to just leave everything behind and go away, but as there really weren't any pressing matters – work-related or Kyo's health-related – he tried to relax. This escape was like a fresh breath of air after many years. And for Kaoru it felt like soon the fairytale would end because he would remember some reason why this trip could not happen and why they should definitely go back.

"Would you like to visit Kyoto as well? We'll be very near it."

Kyo's face became serious in a moment he hears the question and he appeared to be thinking really hard.

"No" he finally says slowly. He appears to want to say something more, but decides against it and shakes his head a bit. "No."

Kaoru nods and continues eating. He doesn't question Kyo's decision. He knew Kyo didn't really get along with his parents now.

They eat in silence. Kaoru finishes his dinner and lights himself a cigarette. When Kyo orders himself another desert, Kaoru can't help but furrow his brows in concern.

"Aren't you full yet, Kyo?"

"Can't I eat now?" Kyo shots back taking a big bite of the apple pie.

"Kyo, you… well… you've been very into sweet things recently…"

"And whose fault is that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've never had such a craving for sweet things before! But now I find myself craving for cupcakes, sweets, ice-cream, cakes, tarts, chocolates, pies and so on and so forth! So don't tell me you had nothing to do with it!"

"Well, in a way you are right, but you should try to cut down the amount you eat. You've been gaining weight quite steadily for some time now."

"So what? Do you think I look unattractive now? With some extra kilos?" Kyo stares intently at Kaoru and Kaoru's face turns bright red. How should he answer such question?

"Well?" Kyo insists, obviously not going to let Kaoru get it easy.

"No, I don't think you look unattractive."

"I don't think you look unattractive" Kyo repeated, cruelly imitating Kaoru's tone of voice. "Can you for once speak like a normal human being? Can't you just tell me looking me straight in the eyes that you find me sexy?"

"Kyo, let's not go there…"

"No!" Kyo interrupted again and took another huge bite of cake. "I want to finally hear the truth! Are you attracted physically to me or not? Even the way I look now?"

Kaoru held his breath for a moment and his face turned even redder if that was possible.

"I find you attractive, Kyo. And I think you look sexy even with some extra kilos."

Kyo's face looks contemplative, but Kaoru can't read anything else from his facial expression. Was this just another change of mood due to his condition or was he asking these questions because he really wanted to know the answers?

"But it doesn't mean anything, Kyo. You don't need to think about it. I'm happy the way we are now – very close friends."

Even if it's not really the truth, Kaoru doesn't want to upset Kyo with his needs and confessions of love. If they would start this conversation now, Kaoru would want to ask some questions himself. He wanted to ask Kyo what he really thought of Kaoru's feelings towards him, towards their future. But Kaoru was afraid to hear the truth. Most probably the answer wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"What are you saying, Kaoru? You lust after me, but at the same time you say that we're only friends and you're fine with it?"

Kaoru nods reluctantly, knowing himself that it sounds ambiguous.

"What do you think of Ru-chan, Kaoru?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"Is he good-looking?"

"I… I don't know. I only saw that one picture, how should I know?" Kaoru gets a bit irritated. This wasn't a pleasant conversation at all and it was getting more and more uncomfortable.

"Well, I think he is hot! He's so sexy and so handsome!"

"Good for you" Kaoru muttered, now really getting very disturbed and irritated. Was Kyo pushing his buttons on purpose? Or was he just really dumb today?

"I loved having sex with him! It was so different from sex with the girls I dated, but it was so good!"

Kaoru stands up suddenly.

"I'll go buy myself another glass of juice" he uttered and disappeared in the building, not offering even a slightest glance at Kyo.

**I watch Kaoru leave me at the table and can't help but sigh in disappointment.** I don't really know what kind of reaction I was expecting from him. But it most definitely wasn't immediate surrender.

Why wouldn't Kaoru just tell me what he really expects from me? At least now I know he is not only in love with me, but also finds me attractive. So he really wants the whole deal? He really wants all of me? Then why doesn't he say anything? Why doesn't he do anything?

It's not like I can give him what he wants, but at least we'd both be on the same page.

Or maybe… maybe he's just trying to make me feel better about myself and doesn't really desire me?

I hate him so much for leaving me in the dark! I want to know all he's really thinking of me! Why can't he just tell he loves me and wants all of me – body and soul? If he really thinks this way, that is. Or would he just let me move out when time comes? Just like that?

And why on earth this thought of me living alone freaks me out?

"Damn…"

I push the plate with the pie aside and grunt. My stomach starts to cramp. Perhaps I really overdid it this time.

When Kaoru comes back, he looks composed again, as if nothing had happened. But I can't hide the pained look on my face and Kaoru becomes concerned.

"Are you alright?"

"No…" I mutter through gritted teeth. "I think my stomach hurts."

A smirk for a moment appears on Kaoru's lips, but he quickly hides it.

"Yeah, yeah, you told me" I mutter and glare at him. And this time Kaoru can't help but grin openly.

"Well you wanted to eat two huge pieces of cake, Kyo! _After_ eating dinner! Your little stomach can't survive from all the assaults!"

I glare harder, but it doesn't help. For the first time Kaoru seems to have fun out of my misery. But it's nothing I should be angry about. This misery was caused by my own stupidity and greed.

"Well, it's half your fault!" I glare at him.

"We'll look for a drugstore on the way out of this town" Kaoru smiles at me… lovingly? Yeah, he really does… He cares so much about me. I know I can ask anything from him and he would give everything he has to make me happy.

Then why can't he tell me his true thoughts? Why can't he tell me if he expects me to just move out and go on with my life alone or if he wants me to stay by his side?

"Thank you, Kaoru" I mumble, not looking at him.

Later we find some drugstore to ease the pains in my stomach and for some time I just sit silently in the car hugging my stomach and looking at the changing view outside.

"This feels familiar."

"What?"

What? Did I say it out loud?

"What feels familiar, Kyo-kun?"

I think for a moment, trying to understand my own thoughts.

"I'm not sure… But this… this situation – riding in a car with you and watching the changing scenery – it's as if it already happened…"

"Well… we had many rides in my old car before…"

"No, that's not it! It feels as if it's a fresh new start. As if I take a breath of air for the first time and feel free finally. It's hard to explain. Perhaps it's nothing and I'm just… I'm just being confused again…"

I can't see Kaoru's face, but he keeps silent. I can't really explain this feeling myself. And it's stupid.

"Is it still a long ride until we reach Nara?" I ask, wanting to change the subject.

"Not really. We're already half-way."

"I want to see the deer."

"Sure."

"And I want to take a walk in some calm place."

Kaoru nods agreeing.

"I'll take a nap now" I say. Perhaps Kaoru nods yet again, but I don't see it anymore. My eyes are already closed and I fall asleep lulled by the gentle lullaby of the engine and the gentle rocking of the car.

**Gosh, I'm so tired.** The bed feels so comfy that I just sink in and close my eyes immediately. I hear Kaoru in the shower and it feels like home even if we're somewhere far away from home. It doesn't bother me. My home is where Kaoru is. So even if we stay in an old-fashioned hotel somewhere in Nara, I feel at peace.

Time flies by, but I can't fall asleep for some reason, even though my body is so heavy and so tired from a long ride in a car during the whole day.

I suddenly understand that the shower is turned off. I didn't hear when Kaoru finished showering. I listen for some time and finally hear him enter the room. He walks slowly and lies next to me in bed. I feel weird – as if he would be watching me. Perhaps he thinks I'm asleep.

Suddenly I hear the shuffling of sheets and feel Kaoru leaning closer to me. In a moment I feel his lips on my forehead – hot, moist and tender. They linger on my skin for just a moment and then are gone.

"Goodnight, Kyo-kun" I hear Kaoru whisper. "Sweet dreams…"

His voice is heavy with emotions – so heavy with emotions that I don't need to be told what these emotions are. The most prominent one of them – strong affection. I should say love, but I'm afraid to voice it even in my mind. And it doesn't feel only like love. What I hear in his voice is even stronger – devotion, patience, endurance, dedication, lust, tenderness and so, so much more that I can't even grasp it all.

I feel my body go stiff from anticipation and surprise.

But nothing else happens. Kaoru lies down and then it's all silent and calm.

After some time I hear his breathing equalize as he falls asleep.

But now I can't sleep. My head feels as if it will soon explode. I dare to open my eyes and for a moment all I see is darkness, but soon Kaoru's face slowly drifts out of the dark. His face looks relaxed and calm. So calm…

I hesitantly extend my hand and touch his chin with the tip of my fingers. His skin is covered in short sharp stubs of beard. I draw my fingers further up until they reach the softer, hair-free skin. My fingers feel like they're touching open source of electricity. The power of the touch goes through my whole body and I stare in amazement at Kaoru's face.

It's as if I see him for the first time. He's beautiful. And he's all mine.

I close my eyes and sigh in content. I was tired from the long ride in the new car for the whole day, but I had a wonderful time. Alone with Kaoru.

His face remains in my head until I fall asleep.

**All is dark.** But I know he's here – lurking in the shadows, watching me.

God, I hate him so much! I want him to leave me alone! To let me go! Or at least kill me! But let me escape from this hell-hole once and for all!

I hate when he's touching me! I hate every single breath he exhales on my skin! And I hate even more every single perverted fantasy he tries doing with me!

I know what he's planning now! He's going to tie me up on the floor, forcing my legs spread with a metallic stick between them, preventing me from closing them, he's going to smear some pheromones or who knows what exactly all over my ass and then he's going to bring that huge dog of his, that fucked-up stupid dog -

Oh God, no, no, no -

"No, please, no…"

Tears are already here and I can't stop them. I want to die right now. I feel so humiliated. I don't know what's worse – when he's bringing that animal and watching us or when he's tying me at one of his inventions for sex and watching me being fucked by a machine or when he injects something to me and watches me wither in agony from pain for hours and hours or when he's trying to watch me being violated by some bigger animal, like that time… that horse… my broken bones…

"No, please, please, I beg you…"

But he doesn't hear me. He never hears me. He never pities me.

"Please, don't do this to me… just… just let me die…"

I struggle to stand up, but it's all so dark around me. I can't see anything. How do I escape from here? Where should I go?

I scream so loud when I feel hands on my body so unexpectedly. I try to fight him, but he's holding me tightly to himself, pressing me to his body. I try to shout for help, to kick him anywhere I can, but he's not letting me go.

"NO NO NO! PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME ANYMORE!"

I hear him speak but I can't understand a word – as if he was talking in some foreign language. But then I hesitate for a moment. His voice – it sounds familiar.

"Kyo, you're safe, you're safe, Kyo-kun! Please, calm down!"

For a moment I remain still, listening to the voice. The darkness slowly forms shapes in front of my eyes and I don't understand why I see furniture in this jail of mine.

"Kyo-kun, you're alright! You're safe!"

I turn my head hesitantly and look at my torturer's face. But it's not him. Even in the darkness I can see a different face – a face that I know so well. A gentle face that is so dear to me.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, yes, it's me, it's Kaoru! Kyo-kun, you have to calm down – we're in a hotel! We don't need any problems! And you're safe, Kyo! Nobody's here except me and you!"

I look him in the face intently until I remember.

Yes, it's Kaoru. And I'm really safe. And we're in a hotel. We're having a trip.

I'm safe.

I lunge into his arms and try to suppress my sobs, but some still escape. Until I let out all the pain and fear, I can't control myself. My whole body goes numb after the tension is released.

I feel his hands on my back, stroking me gently and I relax. It feels safe – being like this in his arms.

"It was just a nightmare, Kyo-kun, just a nightmare…"

Yes, just a -

Just a piece of my past coming back to haunt me in my sleep.

"Don't leave me alone, Kaoru, please, don't ever leave me alone, I need you, I need you so much…"

He's saying something to me but I can't hear it – my head resounds with the sobs that now erupt from my chest like an unstoppable volcano.

**Kyo's been very silent for the whole day. **He seemed to be deep in thought during our whole ride to Beppu. And even in the ferry he just gazed somewhere ahead, but seemed not to notice anything around himself.

Was he really so affected by the nightmare tonight? Why was it so different this time?

But I don't dare to ask. I don't want him to remember that again. I let him have his privacy for as long as he wants. He seems not to be able to shake it off and it worries me a bit. But I hope it will soon go away. That is, if he won't have another nightmare tonight again.

In the morning we went straight to the direction of Beppu. We didn't even see the deer. Kyo seemed to want to get out of that place as soon as possible.

I tried suggesting him going back home, but the look he gave me was clearly against this idea. And I didn't argue. Maybe a couple more days out of Tokyo wouldn't do more harm.

So by the time we reached the little town of Beppu, it was still not dark. We checked in the biggest ryokan we found and settled. Actually, there was nothing for us to do, just to bring the one bag I had in the room and look around. The room was beautiful – Japanese style, had tatami mats instead of beds and a wonderful view to the little garden.

"I want to go to bath now" Kyo suddenly says making me flinch from the unexpectedness of it. He didn't say a word since this morning.

"It might be cold outside…"

But I fall silent not finishing the sentence as Kyo's angry look tells me there's no point in arguing. We take the shower and then go to the water dam outside the hotel. There are some people besides us, but not that many. We find ourselves a place where we can be completely alone, hidden from other people's eyes by the rocks.

It's actually a wonderful place. We're outside, by the steamy hot water, on the right there's an old fashioned Japanese style hotel, ryokan, on the left, further away – mountains going up to the sky and disappearing in the clouds. My naked feet are already getting cold from standing on cold stones. I glance at Kyo and become puzzled at the look he is giving me.

"I want to get in the water" he says and looks sternly at me. At first I don't understand what the problem is, but then I finally get it. I turn around giving him privacy and listen as Kyo takes off the robe and gets into the water.

Then I drop the robe down and get into the water myself. Every second I spend in the chilly autumn's air my skin starts to get cold. But as soon as I am in the water, it starts getting warm again. It's wonderfully hot and relaxing. The mountains in the distance and the silence seem to put a spell on me.

Kyo was so right. I needed this escape. I needed this change of surroundings.

I glance at Kyo and my heart sinks a bit. Kyo still looks bothered and unhappy. There was something I wanted to tell him for the whole day and only now I seem to gather enough courage. And the timing seems perfect. I clear my throat and Kyo glances at me questioningly.

"There's something I want you to know, Kyo. I've been meaning to tell you that… you don't need to be afraid to be alone. I will stay by your side as long as you need me. You're never going to be alone unless you choose to."

Kyo looks surprised for a moment, then he lowers his head and looks at his legs in the water.

"But I will have to move out of your place as soon as I'll be announced sane…"

It is true. When I won't be his official guardian anymore, there will be no reason for me to keep him by my side. Still…

"You can stay with me as long as you want, Kyo. Even after that. I mean it."

Kyo lifts his head again and looks at me. His look is so intense, that I get uncomfortable for a moment, but I manage to withstand his stern gaze not lowering my eyes for the whole time.

"For as long as I want?"

I nod.

"Yes, for as long as you want."

Kyo smiles slightly and suddenly I feel relieved. It was an answer he wanted! Thank God it was what he wanted!

Kyo suddenly shifts closer to me, keeping his eyes on my face. I quickly look around, but in this place we're alone. I hear some voices coming from somewhere, but we're covered by rocks from the whole hotel and we're all alone here, on this side of the water dam.

But when I look back at Kyo, I find his face too close to mine. Actually, his face is dangerously close to mine. But what I feel the next second I wasn't expecting at all – Kyo nestled close to me, he pressed with his whole frame to my body. And I painfully remember that we both are naked all over.

"Kyo…" I uttered, but my mouth felt so dry that I just couldn't say anything more. I felt his hands on my shoulders, his chest on my chest, his hips on my hips and his belly pressing slightly lower on my one. His penis getting trapped between his hip and my thigh, his left leg pressed firmly to my right one.

Doesn't he notice we're both naked? Doesn't he notice we're both SO close to each other?

My body is numb and stiff from anticipation and fear. What the hell is happening?

I look back up at Kyo and find myself starring right into his deep dark eyes. His black hair moist from humidity and are sticking to his skin, framing his perfect cheekbones and his forehead. The look on Kyo's face – I have never ever seen such a look before.

But I have no time to think about it. The next thing I know he is leaning even closer to me, finally closing the space between us to the one almost non-existent and then -

Then his lips touch mine – so gently and so carefully as if they were poisonous. His dry and quivering lips, like a touch of a fragile and powerless butterfly at the verge of falling down on the ground and dying. The first moments seem so surreal that I just let it happen, not knowing if I myself am finally loosing it and getting crazy and delusional.

But the lips remain, Kyo's hands holding me over my shoulders, his chest pressed to mine so tight that I can count every frantic breath he takes in, his stomach going wild and pulsating in fits and starts. I have to gather my whole willpower not to let my thoughts go lower. But I feel my body betraying me, I feel it getting excited and wild with just this one innocent touch of his lips.

I almost moan in pain when I put my hands on his chest and push him away as gently as I can, because it feels as if I'm tearing off a part of my own body.

I see his puzzled eyes, his face in a fluster. He doesn't understand.

"I'm sorry, Kyo-kun" I whisper, my throat so dry it almost hurts to talk. "You don't have to do it. You don't have to do anything to repay me. You don't have to."

He still looks at me puzzled and confused, looking a bit lost.

"But… but what if I want to?" he asks, his voice barely a whisper.

I shake my head slightly, not wanting to believe this sudden burst of emotions, this sudden desire for me, for my body.

"Kyo-kun, I won't let you repay me like that. It's not what I'm after. Yes, I love you, love you to death, and that's why I won't let you hurt yourself, even if it would be what I dream of. I'm not going to ever use you."

I push him farther away as gently as I can, but he still screws his face into a grimace now looking angry. The fragile and vulnerable boy gets lost in a moment and I am faced with the hard and cold Kyo I've grown accustomed to during many months.

"You're such a two-faced bastard!"

He lets go of me and draws back, anger fuming from his whole posture.

"So you can kiss me whenever you feel like it and that's ok? Because you're sane? And when I want to do that – it's already not ok? Not ok because I'm fucked up in my head? Because I can't distinguish real feelings from delusions? Affection from duty and debt?"

I shake my head while he talks, but actually I get even more confused.

Kyo _wants_ to kiss me? He really does?

But I have no time for questions or actions. Kyo is already climbing out of water, angrily putting his robe back on and walking back to the hotel. Leaving me so taken aback and so shocked.

What the hell has just happened?

I can still feel his body pressed to mine. My damn cock is half hard now and I can't will it to go away. I feel weak in my legs and... and just so shaken all over.

I somehow manage to get out of water myself. Thankfully the robe is thick enough to hide my hardness from everyone. I head after Kyo, but my head is still void of anything useful or coherent enough.

I only know I have to make him understand my point of view.

I find him outside our room. The balcony doors are open and Kyo is sitting on the threshold, looking at the little garden just the two of us own for this night.

He flinches as he hears me stepping into the room and coming closer to him. But I don't dare to sit next to him. I just stand a few steps away looking down on him – at his back covered in the robe, his hair damp in the ends, sticking to all directions, his one leg drawn to his chest, the other one hanging over the threshold. But he is still. He waits for my next move.

"Kyo…"

My voice in silence sounds shaky and weak. I gulp and start all over again.

"Kyo, please, don't be mad at me. Please, just try to place yourself in my place for a moment. You said you feel in debt for me, that you own me, and… and you know that I love you, I really do. And the only thing I won't ever want you to do because you feel in debt for me is… is trying to answer my feelings just because you know I have them. It's not what I wanted to achieve by taking you home with me. It's not what I wanted, Kyo. And I hate to think you'd try to repay me like that."

I'm out of words finally. The silence feels even heavier between us now. A dreadful feeling starts to creep into my chest, but Kyo's voice resounds in the air unexpectedly and I stiffen, listening to every single word he says.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru…"

I wait patiently, but he doesn't say anything else.

What are you sorry for, Kyo? For kissing me? For trying to repay me in a way I didn't want you to? For what?

"But you should also know that I'd never do anything like this just because I feel in debt for you."

My throat feels horribly dry while I try to force out the next question.

"Then you… you kissed me because you... because you wanted to?"

He nods only once – quickly and curtly. But it is an affirmation nevertheless.

"Then… does it mean… What does it mean, Kyo?"

For a moment he keeps silent and I wait, tense from anticipation and hope. Finally I see Kyo's shoulders slump in defeat.

"I don't know, Kaoru… I'm sorry, but I really don't know yet… Now the feeling is gone and I… and I don't want to kiss you anymore."

Tears stuck in my throat, but by some miracle I manage to force them back down and shift awkwardly where I stand. I missed my only chance and now it's gone. Gone for God knows how long if not gone for good.

I should have kept my mouth shut and enjoyed the moment, enjoyed the kiss Kyo was willingly giving me because he _wanted_ to, not because he felt he needed to.

Well… no point in crying over the spilled milk now. Even though it was a one in a lifetime opportunity…

But perhaps at least this is the right moment for being sincere to each other for once. If I lost this one opportunity, then at least I will make use of the situation we're in as much as I can.

"Kyo, is there anything you would like to ask me? You know I'd never lie to you, I'd tell you all answers you want to hear. I don't want any more misunderstandings between us."

Kyo keeps silent for some time, but I wait patiently. I always give him time. I always try to.

"What do you really expect from me, Kaoru? You say you don't want me to move out, that you love me, that you want to be with me, but then the next thing you do is push me away. You kiss me goodnight, but you never… you never… "

Kyo falls silent and I don't wait anymore.

"The only thing I want is for you to be happy, Kyo" I manage to say. Because it's the truth. "If you want to move out, if you want to get away from me, to forget all about me, it would hurt, but I'd survive. Because I chose this path willingly and I never asked anything in return. And when you say that you feel in dept for me… I don't want you to feel this way, because I'm not expecting anything in return, I'm not asking anything in return from you, Kyo. If you ever want to stay by my side willingly, because you really want to, then I'd be the luckiest man alive. But I don't need anything from you that you're not willing to give. I only just try to keep my hopes low. Because… because I know we're not living in a magical world where all the dreams come true. In a magical world nobody would have ever hurt you in the first place…"

Suddenly Kyo turns to look at me and I see tears in his eyes. I feel warmth spread in my chest for him.

"But you're unhappy, Kaoru. Aren't you?"

I shrug my shoulders a bit. True, I don't have all I want. But on the other hand, I have something I never expected to have. I have total Kyo's trust and love. Even if that love is not exactly of the kind I crave for.

Kyo stands up and comes near me. He stops just a few inches away from me and looks me in the eyes searching for something there.

"I don't understand my own feelings, Kaoru" Kyo says silently, as if he was telling me a secret. "But the only thing I know is that I don't want you to leave me. It doesn't matter where we are – at your flat, in a hotel or sharing a small rented room. I want to be by your side. I need you by my side."

He grabs a hold of my robe and clenches his hands into fists, holding on me tightly.

"Because you're all I have now. All I have…"

I hug him and he lets me do that. I gladly feel that my now diminishing erection is far from Kyo's reach. I don't want him to feel it.

"But Kaoru, tell me… are you ok with this? With this situation we're in?"

I nod. Because I really am ok with this. I have to be.

"But I… I don't know what to tell you, I can't sort out my feelings myself. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it!"

"You will."

"But it tortures you, Kaoru! I torture you! You obviously want more from me, but I just…"

"Let's not look so far ahead to the future, Kyo" I interrupt him. "Let's just live the way we are used to and see what tomorrow brings. And if you one day will understand that you don't need me anymore, just say it to me. Just be sincere with me. I will understand. Because I never would demand anything from you. You're back with me – with us – and it's all that matters. And I'm not lying to you."

I feel him nod and hug him tighter.

Too many thoughts in my head for me to sort them out. But I can't help but feel a tiny sparkle of hope awakening in my chest. Perhaps after all there was a slight chance that Kyo would come to love me in a way I love him.

And even if he didn't -

I already was the most important person in his life and that was already something I never dreamed of becoming.

So what more can I ask?

Perhaps now I had no rights to ask for more. Kyo was still healing, he was still bearing scars, huge scars from his past. He didn't need more pain in his life now.

"Kaoru, why wouldn't the nightmare go away?" Kyo asks, whispers into my chest. I stroke his head gently, kissing him on the forehead.

"I don't know, Kyo-kun."

The magnitude of his scars… He can't bear living with them on his own. Perhaps that's why he starts talking. He begins with the nightmare he had in Nara. Then he starts telling me the things he had to go through. And I listen. I let him talk. I let him let out all the fears he has, all the pain he has kept locked only for himself to see.

And the more he talks, the more relieved his voice sounds. Even if with every sentence he says his face clouds with sadness.

But perhaps he needed to let it all out. He was keeping these horrors to himself far too long.

And I patiently listen, even if his every word stabs my heart like a knife.

**It's strange, really. **

I never wanted Kaoru to know anything, not the smallest detail of what I had to go through in that horrid place. But yesterday I told him everything and now I feel relieved. As if a heavy weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders. And it's not awkward between us. I can look him in the eyes and even if he knows everything, I don't feel ashamed.

It was the only thing keeping us apart. The only thing I never wanted to share with any living soul. And now Kaoru was that only living soul who knew all about that.

His look changed a bit, he seemed to pity me more now, but it'll go away with time. It wasn't a mistake. Now nothing tore us apart. We knew all our secrets.

I knew he loved me, desired me physically, but was willing to wait as long as was necessary, or give up on me at all if only I would tell him to do so.

And he knew me inside out now. If he used to know everything about my body – every inch of it, every curve and no place was a secret for him – he now also knew what was inside. He knew my whole horrid nightmarish past with all the details, and he knew I wanted to live with him, even when he won't be my official guardian anymore. He also knew I loved him very much. But he also knew this love wasn't like the love for me that he bore in his heart. My love for him was constructed from habit, the feeling of safety and friendship. Kaoru's devotion for me attracted me like moth to a flame - I love being taken care of and loved so much. And he knew that now there was a slight chance of me actually wanting him like a lover. A slight chance, but a chance nonetheless.

I can't make any promises to him. And he is fine with that.

We spend a couple of days in this calm little town and headed back to Nara. This time we spend the whole day sightseeing, but I didn't want to stay for the night. The nightmares didn't come back yet and I didn't want to test my luck by staying in a place where they last came back to haunt me.

We came back to Tokyo and found the flat where we left it. Everything was fine.

This time, when we stepped over the threshold, it felt like coming back home.

**TBC**

**Author's Comment: **

THANK YOU so much to everyone who left me reviews! 3 It really motivates me and makes me happy to know other people love and enjoy this story and not only me :)

Chapters are getting longer the closer we're nearing to the end… I love the part in the water of the ryokan in this one :) One of my favorites :P

Anyway, I should stop rambling :P Sorry for not updating for long again :(

Best wishes to everyone ^^


	19. Chapter 19

**CHAPTER 19 **

Kaoru was writing music in his study, but this time I didn't stay there with him to listen, because I wanted to be alone today as long as I can. I could still hear his new guitar even in the living room. When he got it from me at Christmas, I again had to listen to his nagging about me wasting money on him. When will he get tired of being a pain in the ass? I'm already thinking about his birthday present, and if he didn't like how much money I spent on the guitar, he definitely won't like the birthday present's costs as well. As if I care!

It's a cold January morning today. The sky is dark, the clouds grey and dirty. There's no snow in Tokyo. The entire city is a vast land of concrete colorless buildings.

I try to count how many years have passed since that faithful night after the concert. Nearly six years. Kaoru loved me for so much time. And he still does. Even though I'm now as much useful as discarded goods. I was forced to accept the fact that perhaps I will never be the same as I was. I'll never be completely sane and healthy until I die.

I had a major breakdown in early November.

It scared the shit out of me.

Kaoru said I was 'gone' for nearly four hours. By the time I 'came back', I was in my doctor's office, with Kaoru by my side, looking like he saw the devil himself – he was so scared.

Why did it have to happen again? I was doing so well.

My doctor made me go to the psychiatrist. But soon Kaoru had to join. He was an undistinguishable part of my life now and whatever triggered this setback in my recovery, Kaoru would know or would be a part of the cause.

Weeks went by and it didn't happen again to my relief. The psychotherapy helped at least in a way that it helped me to learn to control my fear for this 'black-out' to come back. My doctor also said that perhaps the biggest trigger was the changing situation in my life. Or, to be more exact, our little trip to Beppu.

Well, at least she convinced Kaoru that not making trips like that would also be not good, because the first thing Kaoru did was blame himself and then swear to never go anywhere until I totally recover.

The doctor said perhaps the trip should have been shorter and not so extreme as for the first time, considering the fact that after I 'came back', I didn't go anywhere outside Tokyo. But she said that the biggest stimulus must have been what has happened between me and Kaoru. Mainly the kiss. And the fact that I finally told Kaoru everything that had happened to me, or at least everything that I can remember.

At first I didn't want to discuss any of those things – not about my past, and certainly not about my relationship with Kaoru in spite of whatever that relationship was. But she was a shrink. And she knew how to convince people.

So we – me, Kaoru and her – discussed the trip thoroughly to my utmost displeasure. I refused to say a word to her about the time that I was in that place and thankfully she gave up trying when she understood that I could keep my ground if I wanted. But other topics were open for her.

We discussed the situation me and Kaoru are in and in a way it helped me to calm down a bit. She said that most probably I won't be 'gone' again so severely if I would look after myself from now on. I already knew Kaoru was in love with me and Kaoru knew I didn't have an answer ready for him, so whatever comes next should not affect my mental state as it did, because it would be more or less expected.

Kaoru, being so insightful as he is, then asked if this state of mind could be aroused from other very stressful situations. And she said that it was probable. If it happened once after so much time, there was no way to tell if it won't happen again.

I asked her – why didn't it happen immediately after the trip? And she asked me in return – have I been thinking about all that have happened since we got back.

Yeah, I did. All the time. I started to observe Kaoru closer. I started to notice little things that he did not out of friendship, but out of love. I sometimes noticed the looks he was giving me – longing looks filled with lust and desire for me. And I constantly was thinking what I should do.

It wasn't fair for Kaoru. He said I could stay with him as long as I wanted, but the longer I stay, the harder it will be for him when I will finally go. And I was constantly asking myself if I should stop being selfish and let go of Kaoru. I should live on my own and should let him finally get on with his life. For as long as I was around, Kaoru would always have hopes. And I didn't know if I could be this cruel to him.

But on the other hand… I didn't want to let go. I wanted to be with Kaoru. I want to be with him all the time. Only when he's around I feel safe. I had many friends before, but now I've got only a few of them. Nobody, and I mean, NOBODY else except for my parents, my sister, Die, Toshiya and Shinya now come to visit me.

Of course, my parents didn't allow anyone to visit me in that institution. Only my former band mates were allowed to do that as they were a big part of the search party and thus met my parents quite often back then. So when they asked a permission to visit me after I was found, my parents included them in the list. Apparently you can't just drop by in a mental institution. You had to be a family member or have a pass.

And after all, the state I was in was the same as if I wasn't back at all. Any of my friends wouldn't have had any use of their visits. My own and my band mates' friends were not the same, so my friends didn't know anything about my condition. And up until now I never really wanted to meet anyone except Ru-chan.

So perhaps it's not a wonder that now I face the situation I am in – just a couple of friends and disappointed parents. No wonder I cling to Kaoru so much. He proved me that he was the only one who really cared. After all, if I had a real true friend, he would still be here, even after all this time. But apparently I had no real friends back then, just a bunch of losers under the pretence of friendship in reality only wanting to have a part of my fame.

It was a depressing thought, but such was the reality. Even Die, Toshiya and Shinya didn't visit often. They had jobs and their own lives now. They couldn't just leave everything behind and come here every week.

But I have wondered miles away from Kaoru.

Kaoru is what I think about all the time now. If he's not around me, he's still planted deep in my brain, constantly nagging me, constantly looking at me with his loving and all-forgiving eyes.

The way his naked body felt pressed against mine.

His hardening cock.

Did I like that?

Then, even if I felt it, I didn't notice. At that moment it was the least important thing.

But whenever I remember that moment, I get so shy if Kaoru is around me at the same time.

It was so intimate. So intimate. It was as if we became one at that moment. One body and one soul. I've never felt so close to him before, so open for him and so vulnerable. At that moment I've let all my walls down, I've opened my heart and my soul – I've given myself to him completely.

And that one brief kiss, our bodies pressed to each other so tightly that all the lines disappeared leaving one flesh instead, his careful touches, his skin -

It was perfect.

Until he ruined it by pushing me away.

Yes, I understand his trail of thought, I understand his reasons, but… but I wish he hadn't pushed me away. Because I'll never get to know what might have happened. What else I would have done. How much I would have given to him.

Now I don't want to do that anymore. I'm afraid of his touches again. Afraid of his love for me. Afraid of his desire for my body.

Was it only a moment? Was I caught up in a magical spell of a different beautiful place? Of the silence, the false sense of freedom that I actually didn't have? His face looking so kind and his words sounding so sincere?

I hate to think about it now.

There are days when I think I won't ever touch him that way again. That I won't ever even consider kissing him again. And I'm not talking about more intimate things beyond that. Sometimes I think I should finally pack my things and go. That is, when he won't be my official guardian any more.

But then there are days when I look at him – at his dark brown eyes, his serious and concerned look on the face, his muscled arms and his thin lips – and I want to touch him. I want to feel his skin on my own again. I crave for closeness, but never dare to ask for it.

And this is exactly what, according to my shrink, drove me to mental breakdown.

We discussed this without Kaoru, thankfully. My feelings towards him were not touched when he was around. But she made me tell her all she wanted to know when we were alone. It was best for me, she told me.

She said I should try to sort out my feelings for Kaoru as soon as possible. Well, that much I know myself, than you very much.

She also talked alone with Kaoru, but he didn't tell me about what. He said 'just some stuff I already know myself'. Well, that was insightful! But I didn't press the subject. He had a right to have some private thoughts for himself.

The doorbell rings distracting me from my thoughts.

For a moment I feel puzzled, but then remember – that was why I wanted to be alone today as long as possible! Because my parents and my sis were coming today!

I stand up and go to open the door.

They came to Tokyo to see the new flat my sister moved in with her fiancé. They will get married soon and the preparations had to be made. My parents wanted to take a part in all of this, so they came to Tokyo. I was just an additional errand they had to run.

But this time I knew what they wanted to talk about.

My sister got to know about the setback in my recovery. And she, of course, told our parents. So they were coming to make sure I was still sane. And to nag of why I didn't tell them about it at all.

This year I spent Christmas and New Year at Kaoru's parents' place. It wasn't as bad as I imagined. Apparently Kaoru's parents had already made peace with Kaoru's decision and welcomed me quite kindly. I guess now, when I'm not a veggie any more, they hope that soon it will all end. But more so, I think, they are proud of Kaoru and aren't angry on him anymore.

Their son sacrificed so much for a mere friend and faithfully stuck to the obligation he himself has made. He was worth respect and his parents finally acknowledged that. Even if it took quite some time for them to do that.

My parents weren't like that. They weren't happy that I didn't come home for holidays. My sis did. With her fiancé. But there was no way on earth I was going there without Kaoru. And I know Kaoru would have had a shitty time if he went with me, so I didn't want to ruin holidays for him. So we simply didn't go.

When I reach the hall, Kaoru is already there. But he is looking at me, waiting for me to open the door.

When my parents get inside the flat, they just nod at Kaoru's direction and ignore him from then on. Kaoru silently excuses himself, says he has work to do, and disappears in his study again. I am left with my parents and my sister in the kitchen. My mother takes the job of the host and starts preparing coffee. My sis takes out a box of pie and brings the plates. My father lights himself a cigarette and sits on a chair, watching me intently.

"You look fine, Tooru. I wouldn't tell that your condition worsened" my mom says, keeping her back turned to me and pouring coffee in the mugs. She has only four mugs prepared.

"I told you I am fine. That didn't happen again and perhaps it won't" I try to keep my irritation out of my voice.

"So for how much longer he's going to be your guardian?" father asks, still starring at me as if looking for something.

I shrug and expect that it will be enough of an answer, but it isn't. The prolonged silence makes my mother stop busying with the coffee and turn to look at me, waiting for an answer.

"I don't know, but it's still months, maybe even a whole year. I don't know."

"This is getting ridiculous" my father murmurs. "You don't look like you need a babysitter anymore. You could do just fine on your own. Why live with a man for longer?"

"And why not?" I shot back. My temper is really bad today and I can't stop myself, even if I know I should just let them talk and pretend I agree. "At least I'm not constantly alone! Kaoru is a great guy! A close friend and I'm lucky that he's been willing to put up with me for so long!"

"What kind of talk is this?" my father asks, putting out his cigarette and putting his hands in front of him on the table.

I bite my lip and try to be patient. There's no point in arguing with them, I try to remind myself.

Mother puts the cups with steaming coffee on the table and they clatter angrily, because she uses too much force. My sis sits at the end of the table, but our parents don't even notice her. She's the good child – getting married to a man and will soon make them be the happy grandparents. A proper and honorable life.

"So what are you planning to do now, Tooru?" my mother asks, now also starting to stare at me, not even blinking. This makes me even more uncomfortable. It's as if I was some criminal in an inquisition room.

I shrug again and my mother's lips purse in displeasure.

"You have to think about your future, Tooru. Of course, the first thing for you will be to move back to your house. I know you've started already thinking about it as you asked money for furniture and redecoration. So it's a step forward. I'd actually like to go over your house and see the furniture you bought. Maybe I would suggest you how to…"

"I didn't buy any furniture" I interrupt her and she stares back at me surprised. I see my sister bite her lip nervously. She knew about the car. She helped me to buy it. But my parents thought that the huge amount of money was needed for my house.

"What do you mean?" my father asks, his voice sounding cold and stern.

"I bought Kaoru a present."

They keep silent, waiting for more explanation. Sometimes they can be so ridiculously dramatic.

"I bought Kaoru a car."

My mother gasps and looks at my sis accusingly. Before she can say anything, I add:

"She didn't know. I didn't tell anyone about it."

My sis has to keep good relationship with them if I seem to fail to do that. My parents deserve at least one decent child they could be proud of.

"Are you mad?" my mother barely manages to keep her voice as low as possible. "You spent so much money for that man?"

She stops, obviously wanting to say so much more, but suddenly changing her mind and looks at my father. He sighs and glances at my sis.

"Leave us alone with your brother for some time."

She glances at me, but I smile to her and nod. I can deal with them. There's nothing they can threaten me with. There's nothing they can do to me. Even if they would now start to object to Kaoru's status as my guardian, I was very near the day when I wouldn't need anyone like that at all. So there would be no point in threatening me with things like that.

The only thing they could do is not give me my money. But I had enough for Kaoru's present already, so I wouldn't really need so much anytime soon. And my sis would always lend me if I asked.

So I was pretty much out of their reach. They lost their power over me and I was positive that there was nothing they could do to make me act according to their wishes.

My sis stands up, puts another peace of pie in her plate, takes additional fork and goes away slowly, silently closing the kitchen door behind us. I turn to look at my parents again.

"Do you realize, Tooru, that this man might be using you? That what this man is trying to achieve is to get your money?"

I just shake my head, trying not to laugh into their faces.

"This is no joke, Tooru" my father says. "The next thing you know, he will be asking you to give over your house to him."

"And I would give it to him if only he needed that fucking house!" I say, feeling very irritated. I wish they would just leave me alone finally.

"Oh no, this is not happening! Where would you live then? On the street? There's not much money left in your account, you wouldn't buy even a good flat with what is left for you!"

"Don't you realize that Kaoru doesn't want my money? He actually got angry that I bought him a car!"

"Yes, got angry, but took it nevertheless!" my father almost spat the words out.

"He took it because I wanted him to have it! Don't you think Kaoru deserves it? Don't you think my life doesn't even cost as much as one fucking car?"

"He didn't save you life, for God's sake!" my mother says, finally making her voice sound steady. "They would have done the same with you in the hospital!"

"No, I don't think so."

"Tooru, we're just wanting what's best for you. That man's intentions are not clear. So please, try to understand us! He takes a car from you now, but he might be asking much more later. And isn't it enough already? He had you all to himself – he did whatever he wanted to you while you couldn't resist. So leave him now! Leave this place and start a respectable and honorable life! Don't sink lower. Don't let that man use you anymore!"

I stand up slowly, leaving the untouched coffee and cake on the table.

"Please, go away now."

They stare at me, as if not understanding the meaning of these four words.

"You are guests at Kaoru's home. At a home of a man who was the only one not to abandon me completely. So be kind and don't drag his name through mire. I'm not going to sit here calmly and listen to all of this. I'm not going to let you degrade him so."

I myself am surprised at how calm my voice sounds. Perhaps I wasn't expecting anything else from them. After all that has happened to me, my relationship with my parents worsened significantly and today I didn't expect anything else from them.

"Tooru, you're still not thinking clearly" my mother starts, but I silence her by lifting my hand in front of her face.

"Please, if it's all you wanted to say, leave now. If not, let's have coffee and cake like any normal parents and their son. But if you're going to continue talking shit about Kaoru without knowing him at all, I am not going to listen to any of this."

They look at me for some time, considering, and then my farther stands up angrily and glares at me.

"I always said that rock band and tattoos and dissolute life will never turn out in a good way and damn I was right about it. At least your sister grew up to be a proper young lady."

He then turns and leaves the kitchen. My mother closes the distance between us and takes a hold of my face with her hands, forcing me to look at her.

"Tooru, son, why are you hurting us this way?"

"Mom, I'm not a child, look at me. I'm a grown up man. Do you really think you will come here, order me to behave a certain way and I will?"

She shakes her head a bit, but seems to still look at me as if I was having a fever and was blundering out.

"But people are talking that this Niikura wants certain things from you… things that only a woman should be providing him…"

"And what if he does?"

She stares at me as if I told her I killed somebody.

"Even if he does, do you think he will just take it? Or make me give it to him? Do you really think so low of him, mother?"

"What has that man done to you, Tooru?"

I feel her fingers shaking and suddenly feel guilty for saying things to her that I knew will hurt her.

"About what man are you talking exactly, mom? Because there was only one man who fucked up my life. And that man is not Kaoru."

She looks at me with so much pain in her eyes that I already regret being so cruel to her. She was a good mother and always wanted the best for me. She believed her son to be dead to only later find him again, but completely mad and broken, violated in so many ways she would never even imagine. And it broke her heart apart. I could see that. And now, she truly believed Kaoru was a threat to me as well. Not only physically and financially, but also mentally.

"Please, Tooru, just leave this place. Come back home to Kyoto until you will completely recover and we'll see what we can do about your future. But just… just leave this man… escape from his grip already…"

I shake my head and take her hands from my face.

"I won't, mother. And the sooner you will accept that, the sooner we will have a normal relationship again."

"So what are you telling me? That you will live with him forever?"

I shrug a bit.

"I don't know. All I know is that at least for now I have no intentions to go anywhere. I'm not going anywhere without Kaoru."

She studies my face for a moment then composes herself and straightens out.

"Think about it, Tooru. Think about it very carefully. Because in the end you might not only loose your money, your dignity, but also your family. Your father is not as patient as I am."

She then kisses me on the forehead quickly and goes away, closing the door behind herself. I sit down and take a deep breath.

I've lost my family a long time ago. I started loosing what little I had whenever I said I hated studying, when I said I wanted to join the band instead of finding a decent job, whenever I got a tattoo or whenever I laughed too loud or used bad language. Or just was my withdrawn and strange self.

At least I had a wonderful little sis I could always trust. And when she grew up, she turned out to be an even more wonderful person that she was before.

I was lucky to have her. Because without her Kaoru would never have had the opportunity to take me home with himself and I'd still be in that madhouse and crazy.

And whatever they say, I know that without Kaoru I wouldn't have ever recovered so steadily and so quickly. And I don't need a doctor's diploma to state that. I just know it.

I just know it.

oOoOoOo

**I TRIED TO FOCUS** on my work, but it was impossible. I knew Kyo was there in the kitchen with his parents and sister. And so far every time he talked to his parents, they always managed to upset him. So why today would be any different?

I was arranging and rearranging the papers on my table not really seeing them. My thoughts were far away from my job. The sudden, silent knocking on the door surprised me a lot. It seemed that just some minutes passed since their arrival.

"Come in" I say, suddenly feeling nervous. But as I see Kyo's sister stepping into the room with a plate of two big pieces of pie on it, I relax. My relationship with Kyo's sister was very good.

She is smiling a bit apologetically while she nears the table and puts the plate in front of me.

"I'm sorry to bother you while you're working, Kaoru-san, but I had to leave them in privacy."

I can feel a frown on my face, but try to look neutral. Still, she notices.

"It's just… Kyo told them about the car."

Great. This is what I wasn't waiting for. I know they'll think I made Kyo buy it for me. I just know it.

"I'm sorry" she says and sits in the armchair in front of me.

"No, don't apologize for nothing" I say to her. She smiles a bit. She looks so much like Kyo. I still can't help but be surprised. And today she especially reminds me of him. She's so frail and small, so gentle-looking. But the face – her face reminds of Kyo the most. She has the same eyes, the same lips, the same cheekbones.

"What is the matter, Kaoru-san?" she asks. Perhaps I was starring at her too openly.

"I'm sorry, it's just that sometimes I still can't help but be surprised at how much you look like your brother."

She smiles a bit sadly for some reason, but nods.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you while you work, but they wanted to talk to Tooru in private, so I thought I'd come to you."

"It's ok. I couldn't really concentrate on work at the moment."

"Kaoru-san, I've been meaning to ask you something for quite some time now, but never had enough courage…"

"You can ask me whatever you want" I smile at her in attempt to encourage.

"Have your feelings towards Tooru changed during these years?"

Well, this wasn't really what I had expected to hear. She never asked anything like this at all. I feel a bit awkward to speak about this with her. But I can't also ignore her questions.

"No, they haven't. They only grew stronger."

"Does he know?"

I can only nod. I get an unpleasant feeling. Somehow I'm afraid that this isn't leading to anything good.

"So if he wants to stay with you even if you're not his official guardian anymore, you will let him?"

I nod again.

"I'm so relieved" she smiles suddenly and I raise my eyebrows. This is definitely a surprise yet again.

"I was so afraid of what will become of him in the future, but if he's not going to be alone, if he's going to remain by your side, I won't ever worry about him. I'm so happy you will remain by Tooru's side."

"Aren't you worried about the nature of my feelings to him?" I ask, trying to avoid any terms like 'gay' or 'sex' or 'serious relationship'.

She shakes her head and smiles.

"I've seen my brother in love once. He had a secret lover in Tokyo that no one knew about. Tooru never even showed us the lover's picture or told us the name. I now suspect it might have been that guy from the magazine. That would be a logical explanation why he never introduced us to his lover. But Tooru was so in love. He was constantly walking with a stupid smirk plastered on his face, he was singing to himself everywhere he was and he was happy about everything, even the warm summer rain that he usually hates.

Whenever he would talk with his lover on the phone, his face would soften so much and I could see so much love in his eyes. He was so happy back then.

He's not so euphoric now, but I can see the same look in his eyes again. It's the same look – a look of a man deeply in love. And he's looking with these loving eyes at you, Kaoru-san."

The only thought I have is denial. She can't be right. I shake my head passionately.

"He's not. He's not in love with me."

At first she gets flustered and confused, but soon shakes these feeling off and looks at me sternly.

"I know what I'm talking about. And I know that I am right."

"You can't be right. I wish you were, but you aren't. Kyo said so himself. He loves me as a friend, but nothing more."

She purses her lips in displeasure and thinks for a moment.

"We'll see about that, Kaoru-san."

I want to tell her something back, but the door opens without any warning and Kyo's father appears on the doorstep. Though he doesn't come in. He throws a nasty, full of spite, look at me and then turns to his daughter.

"We're leaving already. Let's go."

"But we just came!" she looks worried immediately. But her father stares at her for one more moment and then leaves the room. Kyo's sister stands up and sighs.

"I was afraid of something like this to happen. Out parents were coming here already with a lot of negative emotions in store."

I stand up as well and escort her to the hall. Kyo's mother soon enters the hall as well and glares at me quite angrily. But she also looks very upset for some reason.

"We're leaving" she tells me and I nod. I would never object to this. "There's just one thing that we want you to know, Niikura-san."

Kyo's farther also now looks at me and I can't wait for them to finally go.

"We are grateful for what you've done to Tooru – for taking care of him for so many years. But if you will cross the line of simple friendship – it will not be forgiven. Don't you ever lay a hand on our son. Don't you ever corrupt him. His mind is still unstable and it's easy to use him when he's like that. You've done enough already for him. Just let him go now and don't… Don't make him choose the wrong path against his own will."

Well, they wrapped it up nicely. They could have saved my time and just said 'don't fuck Kyo'.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Nishimura, but I don't make decisions like that. It's up to Kyo to decide where we will be going from now on. If he chooses to be with me in every possible way there is, I will not object."

It took me the whole courage I had to tell them this. But what's here to hide? I told them the truth. If Kyo wants to stay with me for as long as he will wish, I won't throw him away. And they better make peace with this as soon as possible.

Suddenly though Kyo's farther grabs a hold of my sweater and shakes me roughly, glaring at me.

"Then it's where your little pretence mission ends! We're talking to the doctor and you're loosing your guardian status as soon as possible! And Tooru is moving back to his house! And you're never showing your face in front of him again!"

He pushes me back and turns around, puts on his shoes and his coat. Kyo's sister looks pretty scared. She dresses as quickly as she can, but her hands are trembling a lot and by the time she finishes, her mother and father already are stepping out of my flat.

She turns to lastly look at me and I manage to smile to her.

"Goodbye" she manages to whisper and closes the door silently.

Poor girl. She shouldn't take it all to heart so much.

I lock the door and head to the kitchen. Kyo is still there, he doesn't look too happy. As soon as I enter, he looks at me studying my face.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru."

"Don't apologize for them, Kyo."

I step closer to him and try to calm down myself. I'm a bit worried over what Kyo's farther just said. But I hope that his threats are empty.

"What did they say to you? I heard voices in the hall."

I sigh, but decide that I should tell him everything. Kyo's face gets angrier and angrier with every word I say. And when I finish, he looks almost mad with anger.

"Sometimes I hate them so much! I just-"

But he can't find the right words.

"Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut…"

"No, Kaoru! You did the right thing! I'm not going to lie to them like a teenager anymore. If they don't like the truth, it's their fucking problem! And it's their fucking problem if they don't like me living with you!"

"Let's just forget about them, please. At least for the rest of the day."

Kyo nods slowly and his face relaxes a bit.

"I want to listen to you composing music. You are still going to write today, won't you?"

I nod. We make ourselves coffee and head to my study. After some time the music fills the room and I relax. It's just me and Kyo again. He sits in his armchair and watches me while I play my new guitar. The melodies resound in the cool air of the room and I relax.

And when Kyo falls asleep a few hours later, still sitting in the armchair, I feel like there was nothing in the world that could take this away from me. This was my life now. Kyo was my life.

**TBC**

So sorry I made you wait for so long for an update :( I'm posting the last two chapters at once (chapters 19 and 20), so I hope this makes up ;) And they both are pretty long ;)

I would LOVE to get comments! Pretty please ^^


	20. Chapter 20

**CHAPTER 20 **

„Fucking bastards" I mutter for the hundredth time today.

I already broke two cups and three plates during the last two days. And one plate was smashed into the kitchen wall on purpose. Now there's a little dent on the wall – the paint has peeled slightly at that place. But I don't give a damn about some stupid kitchen wall or my dishes!

I look at the calendar on the wall, right beside the dent I made and my hands clench into fists involuntarily.

28th of February, 2009.

I marked this day with a red marker. I don't even know why, but I still did. It's been only two days after that, but I still boil with anger inside.

They fucking did it! I still can't believe they did it!

They came here with two doctors and took Kyo away! They reclaimed my status of an official Kyo's guardian and sent him to the institution again.

I don't think I'll be able to even look at their direction calmly ever again!

"Fucking bastards!"

For two days I haven't seen Kyo or even heard his voice. His parents have the right to set the visitor's list and I was marked as an exception – in no way I was to be let near Kyo while he was there.

"Shit!"

I light myself a cigarette and sit down. I have to try to calm down. It's not the end of the world. Kyo still had just some months until total recovery would be officially announced and we'll see each other again then.

But… this is just so fucking unfair…

I rub the temples with my fingers and close my eyes for a moment.

This is like a nightmare.

I still take two cups when I make tea. I still take two plates when I prepare dinner.

I feel so horrible, like I'm physically sick. Kyo was taken away from me. Taken away from me for no reason. Shit, I can barely sleep! I'm so lost now – I don't know what to do without him!

Kyo's sister promised to try and make her parents let me see Kyo. But to be honest, after their last visit I think I have no chance at all. And this thought is killing me. It might be months until I get a chance to see him! Maybe even a year!

"No! No!"

Even the thought itself is too hard to bear.

What the fuck should I do now? Maybe I could still try to go see him. Even if they won't let me in, I might see Kyo somewhere on the way. Maybe he'd be outside when I would come. Or maybe I could see him through the gate if the institution has a gate, not a brick wall as his former institution. It would be enough at least to see he is all right.

For a start I could live at least with that.

Suddenly I hear my mobile ringing and I snatch it from the table. It's Kyo's sister.

"Hello!" I answer, my voice rising high immediately.

"_Hey, Kaoru." _

"Kyo? Kyo, it's you?"

"_Yes, Kaoru. Calm down, will you." _

"Are you all right, Kyo? How are you?"

"_I'm fine, Kaoru. Pissed of as never before, but I'm fine." _

"God, Kyo, I… When will they let you out? What did they tell you? How are you feeling? Did they put you among the crazy ones again?"

"_Calm down, Kaoru, please! I'm fine! Actually it looks more like a normal hospital than a mental institution. I'm in a section where the least crazy ones are. I already found a few people that I can actually talk to, even though I could so see that they recognized me and were dying to ask me questions." _

It was heaven hearing his voice. It worked like magic to me. I already felt much calmer.

"But how are you, Kyo? Did you have any nightmares? A blackout?"

The other line is silent and I get worried again.

"Kyo? Kyo, please tell me!"

"_Just a nightmare the first night I was there…" _

"Kyo… where you all right? Did anyone come to sooth you?"

"_Not really… I sleep in a ward together with other three people and of course I woke them up. They lit up the lamp and shook me until I came round. We agreed that we'll leave the light at my bed turned on, so that I could calm down quicker next time. It worked." _

"Kyo…"

I'm so angry that I even don't know what to say.

"_But I'm fine, Kaoru. Really. The doctor says I'll be out of here in a matter of months." _

"Really? Are you sure?"

"_Yes. The doctor said I'm almost there – they just need to make sure I am really fine and can handle life on my own." _

"I can't visit you" I blurt out. It sums up everything. I can't see him, I can't be with him, and thus, I can't help him.

"_I know"_ Kyo says and his voice sounds bitter.

We're both silent for some time. There's so much I want to tell him. So much to ask. But above all, I just want to see him, to hug him and make sure he really is fine.

"_It's forbidden to even make calls while I am here, so we can't talk for too long"_ Kyo says. _"My sis is at the door, trying to look out for somebody coming, but we might still be caught and then she'd be in trouble. But she is going to help us out as much as she can." _

"Tell her thanks from me."

"_Sure." _

A moment of silence again. I still can't believe he's somewhere away from me. Locked in that fucked up institution.

"_Have you finally calmed down, Kaoru?" _

"Yeah" I chuckle a bit. "Yeah… I'm sorry, but I just…"

"_Yeah, I know…" _

We keep silent again. I hear him sigh on the other line and a wave of sadness washes over me. My whole body was itching for physical contact, but all I got was his voice. My longing doubled after hearing his voice again. I ached for him and it was impossibly painful.

"Kyo, what am I supposed to do now? I can't even see you! How am I supposed to help you?"

"_I don't need help, Kaoru. I'm fine. And this situation is just temporary. We'll see each other soon." _

Somehow he sounds too calm for me. I try to joke to lighten the mood.

"Huh, perhaps it's like a vacation for you! I mean, a vacation from constantly being with me 24/7!"

He keeps silent and my slight laughter dies away in an instant. Could it be that I am right?

"_Maybe it's the other way around, Kaoru"_ Kyo says silently.

"What do you mean?"

"_It's a vacation for you from babysitting me." _

"No, Kyo, you know it's nothing-"

"_Kaoru, just don't start!"_ Kyo interrupts me and sighs again. _"Look, we can't do anything in this situation as much as we hate it. We now can just grit our teeth and wait until I get released. So let's look at this as an opportunity to rest from each other. It might be good for you, Kaoru. Maybe you'll taste freedom and you see how much you missed during all this time. You can finally go out, meet new people-" _

"I won't do that!" this time I interrupt him guessing too well where this is going. "I already miss you terribly, Kyo, and you say this should be good for me?"

"_I'm sorry…"_ Kyo mutters silently.

"It's ok, Kyo. I'm sorry too. I'm just so frustrated! All I want is for you to get back."

Kyo keeps silent and a thought strikes me. When Kyo will be released, he'll be released as completely sane and independent person. And he'd be moving back to his own house then. Not back to me.

"_I have to go now, Kaoru. I don't want us to get caught talking. We'd lose the only way to keep in touch if I get caught." _

"Yeah, ok…"

But I don't want to hang up. I want to keep talking to him forever.

"_Please, try to calm down, Kaoru, ok? I'm fine, really. Get some rest and we'll talk tomorrow or the day after that. Ok?" _

"Ok."

"_Goodbye, Kaoru-kun." _

"Goodbye, Kyo."

He hangs up. I slowly lower my hand and put the phone on the table.

"Have a calm night, Kyo-kun. Sleep well. I love you."

I turn to look at the calendar on the wall and stare at it for some time.

I wish I knew the exact date when he is going to get released. I would mark it on the calendar and wait for the day to come.

I sigh and reach for my phone.

I have to tell the news to Shinya and to Toshiya and Die. I know they're waiting for my call.

They will probably drag me out drinking tonight, but actually I don't mind. I don't think I could stand another night in this empty apartment.

oOoOoOo

**I ENDED UP** marking the 11th of June on my calendar. This was set up as a date of Kyo's release. After four months of his hospitalization. Seems not much, but for me every day was like a constant battle. The only thing I could live for was Kyo's phone calls. Kyo's sister left him a mobile phone, but Kyo had to be very careful not to get caught. But somehow we managed.

I occupied myself with work. But I managed to do all of it much quicker than usual and was still left facing some free time. I used it to visit my parents and to meet with Toshiya, Die and Shinya more often, or hang out with the band I write music for.

Still, these were lonely and depressing days. I couldn't stop thinking about Kyo for a slightest moment.

What he was doing, did he eat well, was he bored or not, did he have any nightmares.

I couldn't visit him. Kyo's parents were immovable on their decision. And I started hating them with passion.

The only thing I tried not to think of was the future.

I couldn't stand the thought that it might actually be like this from now on. That Kyo would not come back to me, but move back to his house and live on his own from then on. Leaving me all alone. Leaving me with my love for him. Leaving me…

I tried not to think about it. There was nothing I could do now. And I promised Kyo to respect his decision. If he will want to move out and live without me, I said I would be fine with this.

I just don't know how to make this promise reality. I don't know how to be fine with this. If now hurts so much to be separated for some months, how more painful it would get to be separated from him forever?

I don't want to know that. I don't…

oOoOoOo

11th of June, 2009

oOoOoOo

"**GETTING EXCITED**, Tooru-san?"

I look at the nurse and nod. She smiles at me, collects the papers from the table and hands them to me.

"Your doctor will be expecting you after a month."

"Yes, he told me already" I nod. "We already arranged time for that."

"Ok then" the nurse smiles brighter at me. "Then that's all."

"Can I already go?"

"Yes, you can."

"Thank you for everything. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Tooru-san. Stay well!"

I nod at her and get out of the room without turning back. Outside I can see my sister waiting for me. I can't help but run up to her and hug her tightly.

"Someone's happy today!" she laughs, but hugs me back.

"You bet I am! I'm finally free in all ways possible! It has finally ended! I can live on my own, I can have my money and my house back, I can go where I please and do whatever I want and don't ask anybody's permission!"

"I'm so happy for you, Tooru!" she smiles. She really looks genuinely happy for me.

"You know what I'm going to do right away? I'm going to dye my hair blond again! I miss that color so much and I just want some significant changes in my appearance! I'm even going to get new tattoos! I always wanted to have more!"

"Wow, don't be so rash!" she laughs.

"It's not rash! I had four months to think about my life! It was so boring there!"

"Oh, really… What about Kaoru-san?"

I cast my eyes down avoiding her look.

"What about him?"

She suddenly grabs my hand and stops me, forcing me to look at her.

"Kaoru loves you. He really loves you so much."

I nod.

"I know that."

She still stares at me and I shrug my shoulders, trying to tare my arm out of her fragile grasp.

"What about you, Tooru? Don't you love him back?"

"I love him, of course I do. We were friends for so many years and he did so much for me."

"You know I'm not talking about that kind of love, Tooru."

I tear my hand out of her grasp and glare at her.

"Let's better hurry. I want to get away from this place as far as possible."

My sister nods reluctantly and we head to her car. She starts driving and I look out the window, suddenly feeling very nervous.

I haven't seen Kaoru for four months. It was strange to say the least to not have him near me all the time. I always missed him. Every minute passed feeling unsafe and as if lacking something very important, very crucial for my existence.

We're now going to Kaoru's place. All my most important things are there, so there's no point in going elsewhere. I need to come back home to Kaoru first. My sister has already started preparing my house so that I could go back living there. I need to pack my things and in a few days, after my house would be completely prepared, I will have to move back.

I don't know for sure what I should feel about this situation. I kind of got used to living without Kaoru now. And perhaps it would be only fair enough if I freed Kaoru from the burden I always was and set him finally free.

But the only problem is that I don't want to do that.

I want to be selfish and keep him by my side. I need him.

I sigh and close my eyes for a moment.

I haven't seen him for four months and the longing is hard to bear now. I miss him badly. I want to see his face, to hear his voice, to feel his touch.

It feels as if we were separated for four years, not four months.

"We'll soon be there" I hear my sister's voice and I turn to look at her. She smiles warmly and I immediately feel better.

"Don't worry, Tooru, everything's going to be fine."

I nod at her.

It has to be fine. I went through a lot during the last several years. I just hope the future will turn out to be brighter from now on and will treat me nicer than it has.

"Let's hurry, please" I ask silently. "Kaoru is waiting."

oOoOoOo

**I KNEW THERE WAS** no point in getting up early, but I still did. Not intentionally, though. I just woke up at 6:38 and couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up, cleaned up again, even though it was already very tidy, had a shower, got dressed and made breakfast. It was only 8:04 when I found myself sitting at the kitchen table with a cigarette in my hand and waiting, with nothing else to do.

Kyo and his sister had to be here only at around 11 o'clock.

I wanted to go take Kyo myself, but his sister beat me and said she was going to do it and didn't ask if I would like to tag along. So I decided I won't say anything and just wait at home. And perhaps it's better this way. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from hugging and kissing him all over when I'll finally see him. So no point in embarrassing us both in public.

I moved to the living-room and turned the TV on. It helped me not to get impossibly bored and even more nervous.

So when the doorbell finally rang at 11:14 I was overly emotional and excited. I ran to open the door and couldn't stop grinning like a fool when I saw Kyo at my doorstep.

"Good morning, Kaoru-san" Kyo's sister greeted and I nodded at her quickly, but my eyes were only on Kyo.

Kyo looked healthy and fine. It was such a relief. Even though he said he was fine, I had to see him myself to make sure it was true. Kyo was smiling and looked genuinely happy.

"Hey, Kaoru-kun!"

"Kyo, I missed you so much!"

I couldn't help but hug him. I missed him badly and I'd go crazy if I had to keep away from him for a second longer.

He hugged me back and for a moment we just stood there, in each other's embrace. Kyo smelled so sweet to me. I could feel his breaths on my naked neck, his hair tickled my cheek and his stubs on the chin irritated my skin, his hands around me, holding tightly on my t-shirt. His whole little frame was pressed to me so tightly that I even could feel his groin pressing to my hip. It was all wonderful.

"I missed you too, Kaoru" Kyo whispers and I squeeze him harder in my embrace. I can't find the right words to express exactly what I am feeling. But happy was at the top of the list together with relieved.

Kyo's sister clears her throat suddenly and Kyo draws back from me reluctantly. As much as I hate it, I have to let him go too.

"Come in" I say and step back, letting them both inside. "So everything's fine then? You're an independent person again, Kyo?"

Kyo nods and smiles to me.

"Feels great to get my life in my own hands again."

"I'm really happy for you, Kyo."

"Thanks" he says almost shyly and casts his eyes down. This startles me a bit, but I shake it off. There's nothing for Kyo to be shy about when he's around me.

"I brought champagne to celebrate this occasion!" Kyo's sister smiles and takes out a bottle from her bag.

"Cool!" I laugh and we all go to the living-room. We sit there, have a drink and talk a bit about Kyo's release. It seems like everything is really fine and Kyo just has to come for the check-up after a month. But doctor said he should be fine now.

"There's a party in honor of Kyo's release from the institution and also to celebrate his late birthday" I say and look at his sister. "Will you be able to come? It's this Saturday."

Kyo immediately glares at me and I smile apologetically.

"I told you already it was Toshiya's and Shinya's idea! Don't blame me!"

"I don't want any parties" Kyo mumbles stubbornly. He is convinced that people will come there to see if he is really not crazy any more. But I trust Shinya and Toshiya – they wouldn't invite anyone so nasty. Only some closest friends and work-related acquaintances.

"It's going to be just a few close friends, so it would be great if you would come too" I say to his sister again and she smiles.

"I will. Thank you for the invitation. And I think it will be good for you, Tooru. You need to finally get back to normal life."

Kyo just makes a face, but I know he will be there. It's our friends, after all. And a party was long overdue – we all need to relax a bit.

When Kyo's sister finally goes away, we are left alone. I make us something to eat as it was nearly lunch time and we sit at the kitchen table, silently eating our food, but not lowering eyes from each other for a moment.

"So what now, Kyo?" I finally dare to ask him. I don't really want to hear an answer, because I know what it will be. Kyo has recovered and he is going back home.

He shrugs and smiles a bit.

"We eat and then I want to go for a walk. I haven't been out of that place for four months. I hated to be locked between four walls all the time!"

I bite my tongue and keep silent.

Maybe he really didn't understand my question or then maybe he didn't want to answer it now. But that's ok.

"Let's go for a walk then" I nod finally.

"You know, let's take your car and go somewhere outside Tokyo. I want to get out the city at least for a few hours."

"Sure! That's a nice idea!"

When we get dressed to go out and head to the parking-lot, I barely stop myself from taking Kyo's hand. I want to walk hand in hand with him so much, but I don't know what he'd say about it. If he wouldn't mind people starring at us, I'd take his hand and proudly walk by his side. But for now it will have to be enough to just be by his side again and to see him, to hear his tender voice and silent laughter.

We ended up driving around the edges of Tokyo for the rest of the day, walking around in parks and just wondering around in the streets. When we got back home, it was almost midnight. Kyo looked tired, but happy. I guess I also looked the same. But it was a magical day for me.

At first we talked a lot and I nagged him about his health and his stay in that institution. I had to make sure he was really fine and nobody hurt him.

Then I told what less I had to tell him about my daily routine, though there wasn't much to say.

Soon we found ourselves just walking side by side in a park, glancing at each other from time to time and enjoying the closeness. We kept silent most of the time, but it was wonderful. I've never felt so close to him before. We didn't need words to tell each other that we both were happy. That we both enjoyed each other's presence. That we both finally were fine.

When Kyo slumps down on the chair in the kitchen I can't help but chuckle. He seems so spent.

"What do you want to eat?" I ask.

"Actually, I'm not hungry. I'll just go straight to bed."

"Ok."

I watch him leave the kitchen and suddenly feel worried. I prepared his bedroom for him, but I want him to sleep with me in my bedroom. I know there's no point to do that as he doesn't have nightmares half as bad as they used to be. But I don't want to be separated from him even for a night.

But as I go to the bedroom myself, I see that there was nothing to worry about. Kyo hasn't even opened the door to his old room and headed straight to my bedroom. He was now in the shower, so I undressed and took out pajama pants for both of us.

When Kyo finally comes out of the bathroom, I then go and quickly have a shower myself. I feel refreshed and lighter after it. I'm still dead tired, but I no longer smell badly.

I step into the bedroom again and find Kyo already in bed, curled up in the blankets, his eyes closed.

A feeling of completeness fills me and I stare at the view before me for a second.

It was all I was lacking for the last months. And now I have it back. Now I have all I ever wanted.

I just had to believe that my life was not going to change again.

I climb carefully in the bed and turn off the light on the table. As soon as I lie down, Kyo shifts closer to me until we're almost touching each other. I can't see his face clearly, but as light from the building opposite mine reaches the bedroom through the window, I can make out the contours of his face slightly. He looks as if he was smiling.

I fight the urge to touch him. I don't know if I can. But I want to so badly. So badly that I almost hold myself back.

But suddenly Kyo extends his hands just a bit and touches my chest with his palms.

"Kaoru?" he whispers, his voice muffled by the sheets and by his tiredness.

"Yeah?"

"I really missed you a lot. I wasn't lying."

"Of course you weren't. Why would you lie about things like that?"

"I don't know… I just want you to know that I really missed you. A lot."

"I missed you too. Every fucking day."

Kyo chuckles a bit and I feel his palms on my chest press harder. I extend my hand and touch his lower belly. It slightly quivers under my touch.

"I'm so tired…" Kyo whispers.

"Then sleep. We'll have a lot of time tomorrow to talk."

"Mmm…" Kyo answers. He lowers his head and lays it on my shoulder. I feel his breaths on my neck. He is so close to me now.

We lie like that for some time and Kyo's breathing equalizes. I guess he already fell asleep.

But I can't fall asleep even if I am tired. When I understand that Kyo's finally sleeping, I feel brave enough to circle my hand around his waist and draw him closer to me. Kyo, still sleeping, snuggles in my arms and holds on my shirt with his hands. One of his legs shifts forward and comes to lie between my legs, his knee now propped against my crotch.

Not exactly what I wanted, but Kyo now has a tight grip on me and I can't get away from that. It's not that I want to, but this closeness has its consequences.

I try to will myself to sleep, even if it's a bit hard to do when you have a raging hard-on.

I don't know how much time passed, but I guess I somehow managed to fall asleep in the end.

oOoOoOo

**WHY THE HELL** we forgot to draw the curtains yesterday? The stupid sun shines right in my eyes and I have nowhere to turn my head to escape it. I lower my head a bit and feel it being propped against something. A rhythmical, but calm beating of the heart makes me smile a bit.

Kaoru.

I open my eyes and find myself looking at the shirt on his chest. _My_ lousy t-shirt with 'brown bunny' written on it.

I cuddle up to him to find a more comfortable pose and close my eyes again. It feels so comfortable and I still feel a bit sleepy. It is an indescribable feeling to wake up and remember that everything was finally OK. I am healthy, free in all possible ways and together with the most important person in my life.

Kaoru is still deep asleep and I put my arm around his waist and my head on his chest. The beating of his heart is now heard even better. I draw my other hand under my head to support it and lie like this for some time.

I know I was thinking that perhaps Kaoru would reconsider his priorities while I was away from him. I thought he would go out, have fun, get wasted, meet new people. But apparently he didn't. He asked me to call him every day at least once and I tried to do that, because when once I didn't call him for two days, next time I did I had to calm him down for ages until he believed me that I was fine and nothing bad happened.

Kaoru didn't call me himself, because I always kept my phone turned off. Patients couldn't have phones in the hospital. So I had to charge it as rarely as possible so that nobody would see it. That's why I turned it on only when I was going to call Kaoru and this left me completely in charge of our communication.

But Kaoru didn't back off at all. Not even slightly. The way he yesterday seemed to be so damn happy seeing me made all my doubts disappear.

Kaoru still wanted me. In all possible ways.

Speaking of that…

I open my eyes and look down, but the sheets cover everything up. But I am sure I can feel something very hard press up against my side.

I look up carefully and look at Kaoru. He seems to be asleep.

I slowly take my hand off his waist and draw it under the blanket and then lower, praying all the time for Kaoru not to wake up.

I hesitate for a moment when my fingers reach the end of his belly. I can feel his pajama pants with the tip of my fingers and hold my breath.

I'm not so sure what I am doing right now and why. I guess I want to find out. To find out what it would feel like to touch him there…

I take a breath and run my fingertips over the front fabric of his pants.

There's definitely a hardness in there. By the feeling on my fingers it's either only a half-hard cock or a small penis. Considering the fact that Kaoru is asleep, perhaps the first option is more likely.

I gulp too loudly to my ears and look up at Kaoru's face again. He seems to be asleep.

What the hell am I doing? Why do I need to molest him in his sleep?

I just… I tried to always never think about this one aspect of being with Kaoru. I know he wants me. I'm not stupid. But he has never done or said anything to let me know he expects _that_ from me. On the contrary, he is afraid I would let him use me because I feel in debt to him. So I know he would never say anything about it. He would never ask, even though he needs it. And he needs it badly, by the looks of it.

But do I need it?

That's what I want to find out.

And just a moment after deciding this, I slip my hand in his pants and grab his crotch with my hand.

His cock feels hard and hot in my palm. It twitches just the slightest under my touch and I glance at Kaoru yet again. But thankfully he seems to be asleep. I look down again and lift the sheets from our bodies a bit, so that I could see where my hand disappears to. I only can see his pubic hair and a bit of his cock, but this is enough to make me blush hard. I can feel my cheeks burn hotly, but I stubbornly keep my eyes on the view in front of me.

Even though my hand is trembling slightly, I start exploring what little I can reach. I run my fingers over the full length, then measure the thickness and hardness of his dick. My fingers for a moment stop at the slit, then go up again to explore the balls. They feel heavy in my palm and after just some time I think his cock hardens a bit more. The last thing I explore is his pubic hair.

All this time I listen carefully to his breathing to make sure Kaoru is still asleep.

I feel bad at feeling him up while he's unconscious. But there's no other way for me to do it. I couldn't do it with him watching my every movement.

Why the hell I need to do this at all?

Because I'm curious. Because Kaoru did more than this to me when my mind was 'turned off' and this is nothing compared to what he's done. Because I don't want to find myself in an intimate situation like this and freak out on him. I need to find out in advance how I would feel faced with this part of him. With the part that only his lover can see.

And I suddenly feel happy because he feels nothing like that man.

It's nice to touch Kaoru. It doesn't bring me back any memories. It only makes me blush madly and makes my heart beat a hundred miles per hour. It doesn't feel strange. It feels natural, as if I've done it hundreds of times before, but just the excitement remained. It feels new because I never touched him there and at the same time very familiar because it's Kaoru.

My Kaoru. Kaoru who belongs to me. And I know if I asked him, he'd give me anything I wanted if it was in his power.

God, this is… too overwhelming.

I draw back my hand and sit in bed. Thankfully Kaoru is still fast asleep, though his face now has a bit harder expression. I guess I made him more miserable than he already was. Being this hard and having no release is tough.

I get out of bed and practically run to the kitchen. I don't want him to wake up and find out what I've done. I feel embarrassed enough already.

Strong coffee and a sandwich will be best to freshen up in the morning. I sit to eat, but I can barely swallow. My mind is only on Kaoru.

Is he horny because of me?

I guess he might me… Maybe he had a dream, or maybe just the fact that I was pressed up to him throughout the whole night made his body respond like that. I don't know when was the last time he had sex. I have no idea.

Will he ever make an approach on me?

I have no idea.

Do I want him to?

…

Do I desire him physically?

In some level I do. I need him by my side, I love when he hugs me, or lets me cuddle up to him, or just is very near me so that I can just reach out and touch him whenever I want.

But do I want to be intimate with him? For real?

Not right now, but… But I guess I am very close to wanting that myself… Not yet, but…

…

And does it mean I… What does it mean?

"Good morning!"

I jump in my chair and the cup falls down from the table and breaks, already cold coffee spilling all over the floor and on my right foot.

"God, Kyo, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you!"

Kaoru rushes up to me and grabs a towel from the table, starts cleaning the floor and my toes.

"I'm fine."

I want to collect the peaces of a broken cup, but Kaoru pushes me away and bows down to do it himself.

"You have no slippers on, you might cut your feet. Step away."

I just do as he tells me. He is like a mother hen sometimes. And there are times that it irritates me more than amuses me.

"I didn't hear you come in."

"I'm sorry Kyo."

"It's fine, I told you."

Kaoru straightens up with the pieces of the cup in both his hands and looks at me. His cheeks are a bit flushed. I guess he took care of the little morning problem he had. I quickly glance between his legs. Yep, seems like he did.

"What are you doing up so early?" he asks.

"So early?"

"It's not even 9 o'clock."

I stare at him dumbly.

"Did you sleep well?"

I should be the one asking him that. But I bite my tongue to prevent myself from commenting.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah, of course. But it was a change for you again, so I was worried that you would… I don't know…"

"I slept just fine, Kaoru" I finally smile at him and Kaoru smiles back.

"What would you like to do today?" he asks and throws the broken cup away.

"Well, first of all you have to make me another cup of coffee as you ruined this one. Then I want to go to my house. I want to see what's been done in there and if I can move back already. There's a lot to do. And there's going to be a lot of packing as a lot of my stuff is now at your flat."

Kaoru stares at me for a moment, then turns away and takes two new cups and starts to prepare coffee. When he speaks, his voice sounds forced.

"OK, sure. I will help you to pack. Your sister left the keys to your house here, so we can have breakfast and go."

"OK, I'll go quickly take a shower."

I leave the kitchen feeling a bit down. Kaoru got so upset at me just mentioning moving back to my house. But it's the best decision. My house is bigger and more comfortable than his flat. It's much better to live in there than here.

At least I think so. I just hope Kaoru will be of the same opinion as me.

oOoOoOo

**KYO WANTED** to drive my new car. He seems to really enjoy it. The radio is turned on, he hums along with the song that is on now. The windows are opened and warm wind messes our hair. A cigarette between my fingers, his hands gripping the wheel tightly. Though Kyo enjoys the drive, he still is more attentive and tensed than normal. He hasn't driven a car for many years now, so he lost some of his skills that he'll have to relearn again.

He glances at me shortly and I force a smile for him. I don't want to go to his house. I don't want him to move out. We'll be together from now on, I don't doubt it a second. But I really don't want to finalize the thought that it's not going to be exactly what I want.

And I want to be Kyo's lover. His partner for the rest of his life. Not his friend.

I have no courage to ask him of this. And I don't think I'll ever will. What's the point? He'll say it eventually. And if he won't, then at least I would be able to live always hoping that maybe one day he will change his mind and turn to me for more than friendship.

It's better this way. At least for me. I hate the reality. I don't want to hear anything except good news from now on.

Kyo takes a few wrong turns but finally we stop in front of his house. I always liked his house. It's in a good neighborhood, has a fence all around it, so when you're outside the house, you've got total privacy. And there's a backyard. Even if it's small, it's still wonderful to have one. We used to stay outside his house in the backyard having drinks, smoking and listening to the cicada making the usual noise in the grass. It used to be wonderful evenings. So calm and perfect.

Why did I never use one of these to confess my feelings for him? Why did I never do that way before his disappearance? Things might have been different. If we would have become an item then, we would have spent the time in the bus together after the show and he would have never gone anywhere alone.

If only…

It's no use playing this stupid guessing game now. Kyo is finally alright. I should just be happy for him. Not sit here and pity myself. And wish for more.

Kyo gets out of the car smiling brightly and it infects me as well. I can't remain frowning when he is all smiles.

"This car is pure pleasure!" he laughs and I laugh along with him.

"And you were mocking me for almost having an orgasm after the first time I saw it!" I can't help but remind him.

"Yeah… Sorry. This baby is really gorgeous!" he laughs and locks the car.

We head to the house and Kyo unlocks the door. I expected the air inside to be stuffy, but it isn't. It's fresh and smells nice. I guess his sister really took her task of taking care of her brother's house seriously.

We take off our shoes and go deeper into the house. Kyo looks around intently, a serious expression on his face. From time to time he glances at me and I always answer him with a smile. I want him to feel reassured.

He can do whatever he wants. It's his life.

"Nothing seems to be different" Kyo says silently, looking pleased. "Though she left some unnecessary things."

"Like what?"

"Like these glass figurines. Or those girly cushions on the couch."

"She wanted to make the house look homey."

"It's a bachelor's house, it's supposed to look cool and a bit messy."

"You know you're complaining for no reason like an old man, Kyo" I tease him.

"Do you like the house, Kaoru?" Kyo turns to look at me questioningly, completely changing the subject.

"Of course I do. I always liked your house. I wish I bought a house instead of a flat when I still had the money. Well, too late now."

"Would you like to live in a house like this?"

"Of course. It's a wonderful place and a nice house, Kyo."

"So that means yes?"

"What? What do you mean 'that means yes'?"

Kyo suddenly looks very nervous and fidgets, lowering his eyes for a moment. I must admit I really don't understand where he's getting at. But Kyo looks me in the eyes again and this time he looks determined.

"I mean, would you like to move in this house and live here? With me?"

Come again?

Did I just hear him right?

"Move in with you? Here?"

"Yes" Kyo nods vigorously. "Don't get me wrong, I like your flat, but living in a house is always better. And we would even have a backyard! There's so much more privacy here! No neighbors listening through the walls! More space!

And you could sell your flat. Or if you don't want to, you can rent it. But there's no need to keep two places for living. At least I think so. I want to include you in the documents as officially living here, in this house, so that if anything happens to me, you wouldn't find yourself on the street. It's only fair enough. You would be an owner of the house together with me, living here with me and having the same rights as me. So that's why I suggest you to just sell your flat.

There's a lot of room here. I already thought of where your study could be. We would need to share one bedroom, but I guess that wouldn't be a problem, would it?"

I shake my head a bit, as Kyo looks at me waiting for an answer.

"So what do you think, Kaoru?"

I still can't force out a word, it's as if they have stuck somewhere in the throat on their way out.

"Please, just say something, Kaoru" Kyo suddenly gets agitated. "Yes or no?"

"Yes" I choke out. "Of course yes!"

A huge smile immediately appears on Kyo's face and he beams at me. And I want to pinch myself.

Is this for real?

"You want us to live together? For a long time to come?" I have to make sure I got it right.

Kyo nods.

"For as long as we live. Forever."

"Sounds so corny."

"Yeah, I guess it does. Sorry."

"No, don't be sorry! I never dreamt you'd ever tell me anything close to that!"

Kyo doesn't say anything and studies my face for some time. But soon a gentle smile reappears on his face again and he looks right into my eyes. It's as if he can see through me. Can see all my dirtiest and lowest secrets and still wants to be with me. In whatever way he wants that.

I have millions of emotions inside me.

Here I was just a minute ago thinking that Kyo will leave my flat and I'd be alone and miserable. But suddenly I have his heart laid out in front of me without any secrets.

Kyo wants me in his life forever.

Forever.

"This is like a fucking dream come true" I can't help but say out loud and it makes Kyo smile again.

"No, this is what had to happen, Kaoru. What did you expect?"

I shrug my shoulders. There's no point in voicing all my doubts now. They were wrong after all.

"I want you in my life, Kaoru. And you said once that whatever I'll decide, you asked me to be honest with you. So I'm doing just that. I'm being totally honest with you. I don't want to be separated from you ever again."

"Kyo, I… I don't know what to say. I have so many sentimental and stupid things in my head, but I would only embarrass myself if I said them out loud."

Kyo laughs and turns his back to me.

"Come, let's take a look at the garden."

I follow him, feeling my heart beating miles per hour. It'll explode from all the emotions. I just want to lunge at Kyo, squeeze his life out of him and kiss him all over.

Would he push me away if I did that?

Now, right at this moment, I believe anything I want could happen.

Kyo stops at the balcony door and after unlocking opens the door widely then looks at me eagerly. He's like a kid on Christmas, who just got the best present on earth and wants to show off. Or like a bad student who finally got a good mark and wants to be praised. The most important thing for me is that my opinion and my approval are crucial to him.

He looks at me expectantly. I step closer to him and look at the garden.

It's as beautiful as I remember. The trees and bushes cover the neighboring houses and streets. There is a little flower garden in the back – his sister's doing I guess. It's cozy and beautiful. A little place of paradise – a private paradise.

Kyo goes out of the room and sits on the floor, leaning on the outside wall. I step outside and sit beside him. I still can't believe I'm going to live here with Kyo from now on. Perhaps I should have never doubted his feelings for me. Kyo loves me. Maybe he doesn't desire me physically, but that might be just the only backdraw in his feelings for me.

I should have never been so blind.

But… To have Kyo wanting me is like the most wonderful and miraculous thing happening in my life. Everyone has their biggest dreams and they rarely come true. So why was I different? I had my dream. Which for most of my life was only that – a dream.

I turn my head slightly and look at Kyo. His face is irradiated with the rays of sun, and he squints his eyes a bit because of that. His black hair as always looking more like a messy nest on his head than a normal haircut. His dark deep eyes looking thoughtfully at me.

Suddenly I feel his fingers on my hand. He traces his fingertips down over my arm carefully until they reach my fingers and he slowly intertwines my ones with his.

I feel him squeeze my hand gently and I do just the same in response. He looks me in the eyes, then lowers his head and puts it on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry you'll have to put up with my parents after they'll hear the news. But I don't want to lie to them. There's no point. The sooner they get to know that you'll be living here, the sooner they will leave us alone."

"It's ok."

I'm actually happy with this, because when Kyo will tell them the news, they won't be visiting Kyo here at all. But they're Kyo's parents and I can't say that to him.

"I will put you in the documents as one of the house's owners, Kaoru, so you don't need to worry. You'll never be without home if anything happens to me."

"Nothing will happen to you, Kyo. Stop saying that. You'll get old and die from old age, as most of the people do."

"Well, you never know which one of us will live longer, Kaoru. So I want to make sure I did everything I could to leave you happy."

"I'll never be happy if you leave, Kyo."

I kiss him on the forehead carefully, still a bit afraid of his reaction. But Kyo only leans closer to me and closes his eyes. He puts his other hand on my chest and grips my t-shirt in his fist.

"Kaoru, I…"

If you would say it, I could die happy right here and right now, Kyo. Please, tell me you love me. I need you to voice it out. I need you to confirm it out loud.

I feel him squeeze my hand even stronger, feel him inch even closer to me. He lifts his head, opening his eyes, and looks right at me. I stare back, barely able to control myself. I think my body starts to shake from intensity of the closeness I am in with him.

I can feel the dreadful consequences again. The evidence is hard to miss. It's right there in my jeans, hardening and making itself visible.

Kyo leans in and I know where he's aiming. I close my eyes anticipating it and soon I feel his lips on mine.

We kiss gently, with calm, patient and careful touches of our lips. It's as if he's exploring what it feels like to kiss me. And I can just let him do how he pleases. It's our kiss. It's what I will always treasure in spite of whatever it is.

He draws back slowly and looks at me, with his eyes looking sodden and full of many emotions.

He releases his grip on my chest and traces his hand down. For a moment I want to move away from his exploring touch, but he holds my hand with his other one tightly and I remain where I am. He never turns his eyes from me, but his hand continues roaming on its own until it settles down between my legs, over my hardening length.

I feel him slowly measure the length of my cock with his fingertips and I blush madly. I don't want him to feel cornered. I don't want him to feel obliged to do things he thinks he has to do in order to be with me.

Shit, it's the worst time ever to get a hard on.

"It's ok, Kaoru." Kyo says silently. "This is ok" he repeats, pressing his fingers down on my length. My body reacts to this simplest touch immediacy and jerks violently, just from this one little touch.

"Kyo, I can't help it… I want you badly… But it doesn't mean that you-"

"Oh, shut it!" Kyo leans closer to me again and now when he speaks I can feel his breaths on my lips. I swear, he's trying to slowly kill me on purpose! All this physical tension in my body is going to be the death of me!

"Kaoru, it's totally normal to desire someone you… you want to be with. And it's not that I don't want to. Just… not yet."

I have to process this new peace of information, but when I do, it only makes me harder and needier than I already was.

Kyo is making promises to me. This time for real.

"Just think of me as something you just got – still wrapped in a package and brand new. You want to keep it somewhere everyone can see, perhaps in the living room on the table, so that everyone could see what you have. You admire it for days, until you no longer get excited seeing it like this. Only then you unwrap it finally and take the real thing in your hands. And then it's new again, and you have a new wave of joy over what you have. Do I make sense to you?"

I nod. I can only nod right now.

"When was the last time you… you know…" it's Kyo's turn now to blush slightly. But he keeps his eyes on me, his face so close to mine.

"A long time ago, actually…"

"Poor baby" Kyo whispers and kisses me again, this time braver and more daring than the first one. I can still feel his fingers on my cock, he doesn't draw them back and I soon find myself out of breath. He's pressing his fingers down on my length, kissing me gently. I can feel his chest pressed to mine, his heat radiating from his body.

I start to sweat, my body jerks a bit involuntarily, my free hand tangles in his hair, steadying his head, not letting him go, kissing him back forcefully. And when Kyo by some reason puts his whole palm on my length and squeezes hard, I come.

So unexpectedly that even I am caught off guard.

Kyo draws back and stares at me shocked. Then at the stain that starts to gather around the head in my jeans. I lower my head, ashamed to look him in the eyes.

Kyo kneels and puts both of his arms around my shoulders, hugging me and forcing me to lean into his arms, into his welcoming embrace.

I have nothing to say to him. I know I don't have to be ashamed of what just happened. But I bet Kyo didn't expect this. He knows I want him. But now he knows I want him badly.

But I'll wait. I can wait. It's just that my body is so tense from all the waiting and abstinence that I can't control it anymore.

I feel Kyo start stroking my back with his hands and I just can't help it – I cry. His t-shirt gets wet all too soon, but he doesn't let me go. He tries to sooth me in his arms, gently stroking my back and giving me a kiss on my hair from time to time.

When I manage to somewhat calm down, he still holds me in his arms, and I suddenly realize with amazement how strong his grip on me is. How strong he actually is. It was always me protecting him, taking care of him. It was always me thinking how vulnerable, how weak, how fragile he is in body and soul.

And it strikes me as a shock to realize that he is neither of those things anymore. That he does not need my protection and care.

"You've been taking care of me for so long, Kaoru. You've burnt yourself out. For me. But now you can relax. It's my turn to take care of you. And I want to make you feel happy, Kaoru. You don't have to ever be ashamed in front of me for anything. We're in this together from now on."

I nod a bit, thinking if I dare to speak.

"Thank you, Kyo…" I manage to utter.

I feel him kiss me on the head again and I can't help but snuggle myself deeper in his embrace.

"You've got nothing to thank me for, Kaoru. You deserve it. You've gained my trust and my love for you only with your efforts. You have to know that you're the only person in my life now that I can trust with my life."

"I know."

And I can't be happier than this.

It's still a long way ahead of us. Many problems to face. Many conflicts to deal with. Not only his parents, but perhaps even mine.

But at least it's a start. A good start, if anyone asked me.

"Let's go inside, Kaoru-kun" Kyo breaks the silence. "I'll find you a pair of new pants. We could go out and buy something to eat, then walk around the house and decide on how to furniture it and make it even more comfortable for both of us."

I nod.

Kyo stands up and I follow. He looks back at me and smiles gently. Then takes my hand in his and leads me inside the house.

And I follow his lead.

**THE END**

**Author's comment:** So it's done. Makes me very sad, actually, because it is my most precious story for me from all the ones that I have written. And most challenging one as well :D

I don't know if I ever mentioned it here, but there's a sequel :P It's shorter than the original story, but it's got 11 chapters :P I won't be posting it just yet, but I'll try to get it out soon... Hope there will be people interested in the sequel... :)

Anyways, this one is done :) Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it ^^

Comments are love ^^

Take care, guys ^^


End file.
